Sapphire Taylor vs. Religious Wright

[Konrad Raab]

2 RP Limit for singles

3500 Word Limit Per RP

Deadline: 11:59:59 pm ET FRIDAY, September 6, 2024 (Show will be advertised as if taking place on Saturday, September 7 to avoid NFL Kickoff)

[Braddock]

We open inside the gargantuan gymnasium that plays host to the The Sword of Joshua Full Gospel Pentecostal Temple of Joy Holiness by way of Mt. Judea, Arknasas. The gymnasium is packed full of people. Staff at the church are passing out bulletins that read “Please cry when the cameras are rolling”. Eventually we spot Brother Douglas stepping up to the stage with his electric guitar.

“JESUS FUCK YEAH! JESUS! FUCK YEAH!
‘MOURNING SELENA! FUCK YEAH!
SHE LOST! FUCK NO! SHE LOST! FUCK NO!
GONNA GRIEVE! FUCK YEAH! GRIEVING SELENA! FUCK YEAH!”

As the upbeat heavy metal music plays, we spot the figure of Religious Wright making his way down the aisle, dancing he goes, slapping the hands of some onlookers in the gymnasium.

“SNOW QUEEN LOST! FUCK NO!
GONNA GRIEVE! FUCK YEAH!
GONNA KICK SAPPHIRE’S ASS! FUCK YEAH!
GONNA KICK SAPPHIRE’S ASS! FUCK YEAH!”

Religious Wright dances his way onto the stage and then approaches the podium. With one motion of his hand he signals for Brother Douglas to cut the music. The heavy metal rock comes to an abrupt end. Wright then takes the microphone.

Religious Wright: My brothas and my sistas, dearly beloved, and all you with tons of money, we are gathered here this day to mourn the passing, the end of our wondrous reign of integrity! We come here to grieve the end of the SCW World Title reign…of Selena Frost…

Brother Douglas holds up a sign that reads “Please chant WE BELIEVE!” The congregation does as they are told and “We believe” chants erupt. Wright nods his head.

Religious Wright: Yes! Yes, we are all believers this afternoon! And I promise you that the hefty donation you gave to join us in this funeral today will go to a good cause…helping our Snow Queen regain her title and helping The Sword of Joshua Full Gospel Pentecostal Temple of Joy Holiness build an upgrade to our gymnasium! But while Josh Brolin may be SCW World Champion for now…

Brother Douglas: Hudson.

Religious Wright: What?!

Brother Douglas: Josh Hudson is the SCW World Champion. Josh Brolin played Thanos and Cable in the MCU.

Religious Wright: I thought that was that country music singer…

Brother Douglas: That’s Josh Turner.

Religious Wright: I thought that was the geek from Dawson’s Creek…

Brother Douglas: That’s Joshua Jackson.

Religious WRight: Then who the hell am I thinking of?!

Brother Douglas: JOSH HUDSON!

Religious Wright: He shoulda kept playing Thanos in the MCU. Taking the SCW World Title away from our beloved Snow Queen is a crime far more heinous than wiping out half of all living things! But I will take out our pound of flesh! We will have revenge! And it begins with you, SAPPHIRE TAYLOR!

Wright shakes his head.

Religious Wright: You can run and hide all you want. You can hide behind that stupid boyfriend of yours from the Kansas City Chiefs all you want! HE WON’T SAVE YOU!

Brother Douglas: That’s Taylor Swift.

Religious Wright: Huh?!

Brother Douglas: You’re wrestling Sapphire Taylor. Taylor Swift is the one who dates Travis Kelce of the Kansas City Chiefs.

Religious Wright: I thought that was the hot British actress…

Brother Douglas: That’s Elizabeth Taylor.

Religious Wright: I thought that was the All Star with that awesome looking clothesline…

Brother Douglas: That’s Gavin Taylor.

Religious Wright: Then who the hell am I thinking of?!

Brother Douglas: Sapphire Taylor!

Wright rolls his eyes.

Religious Wright: Not only is she gonna lose, but her stupid boyfriend’s football team is gonna lose too! She should quit SCW and do another god damn eras tour!

Brother Douglas sighs and shakes his head.

Religious Wright: WE BELIEVE! WE BELIEVE! WE BELIEVE!