Diamond Steele vs. Religious Wright

[Braddock]

The loud and obnoxious sounds of the electric guitar can be heard playing. Then the even louder and more obnoxious sound of Brother Douglas singing his heavy metal gospel lyrics can be heard.

“SELENA FROST! FUCK YEAH!
PRAISE THE LORD! FUCK YEAH!
GONNA BEAT DIAMOND! FUCK YEAH!
BREAKDOWN! FUCK YEAH!”

It is at that moment that Religious Wright comes dancing down the aisles of the ridiculously large auditorium, flanked by his right hand man Brother Douglas, who is playing his electric guitar. Both are wearing Pittsburgh Steeler jerseys for whatever reason.

“GONNA BEAT DIAMOND! FUCK YEAH!
FOR SELENA FROST! FUCK YEAH!
GOING TO TAKE THAT FLAME! FUCK YEAH!
GONNA MAIN EVENT RISE TO GREATNESS! FUCK YEAH!”

Religious Wright jumps up onto the stage. He is followed by Brother Douglas. Wright approaches the podium and brings the microphone to his lips.

“My brothas and my sistas…CAN I GET AN AMEN?!”

“Amen!” Brother Douglas shouts excitedly.

“Now, today’s scripture reading comes from The Book of AK Chapter 4 verse 7. And the integrity of SCW was sullied with shameful whores like Diamond Steele. Alas our LAWD and savior Selena Frost does not have the time to rid Satanic Cat Worshiping from all shameful whores. Thus Her Holiness Ms. Frost has decreed that I, Religious Wright, shall slay the one known as Diamond Steele!” He bows his head. “This is the word of Selena, for the people of Selena.”

“Thanks be to Selena.” Brother Douglas states.

“Before I speak about the scripture reading today, I want to begin by announcing that I AM ENTERING THE 2024 RISE TO GREATNESS BATTLE ROYAL!”

“Uh, Pastor?”

“Yes?”

“It’s TAKING HOLD OF THE FLAME.”

“That’s what I said! Anyway, like I said, I am declaring for the 2024 Under Attack Battle Royal! And when I win, I will be honored to main event the biggest event in the history of Satanic Cat Worshiping…Retribution…against our LAWD and savior Selena Frost! CAN I GET AN AMEN?!”

“Amen!” Brother Douglas shouts excitedly.

“But first the pastor of Selena’s flock must focus his attention on a filthy whore who wishes to bring shame upon Satanic Cat Worshiping. A villainous villain known to one and all as…Neil Diamond!”

“Diamond Steele.”

“Huh?” Wright looks over at Brother Douglas confused.

“Your opponent is Diamond Steele.”

“I thought that was the chick who is lustful over Donald Trump?”

“That’s Diamond and Silk.”

“I thought that was the guy who played the bongos!”

“That’s Diamond Platnumz.”

“I thought that was that popular multi-faceted Japanese celebrity!”

“That’s Diamond Yukai.”

“I thought that was the singer who lost in the 2nd season of X-Factor.”

“That’s Diamond White.”

“Then who the hell am I thinking of?!” Wright exclaims out of frustration.

“Diamond Steele.”

“I hate it that I have to kick her ass. I mean, she is a legend. Sweet Carolina is one of my favorite all time songs!”

“That’s Neil Diamond.”

“Huh?”

“Nevermind.” Brother Douglas shakes his head.

“Anyway…Diamond may be a STEELER but I will not let her STEAL victory from me!” He pats his Pittsburgh Steelers jersey.

“Pastor, I don’t think Diamond Steele is a fan of the Steelers. I’m not even sure she’s from Pittsubrgh.”

“Nonsense. Of course she is! And I will take her down, her and all of her Super Bowl wins will be awarded TO SELENA FROST! PRAISE BE TO FROST!”