08-20-2018, 04:38 PM
The scene opens up inside of a brightly-lit gym, where a class of people all clad in 80's-themed workout clothing - I'm talking spandex, headbands, cut-off belly tops, the whole nine-yards - stand waiting for something to happen. The glistening of sweat cascades over the scene, and you can basically SMELL the perspiration in the scene. It's kind of gross, but also oddly intriguing to you. Admit it.
The sound of some cheesy 80's music plays over, and a sight we will never forget emerges in the front of the group: Derek Adonis, the King of KABLAM, bursts out wearing a purple leotard and a bright pink sleeveless shirt with the word "KABLAM" scrawled across it in big, bold, neon-green letters on it. Seriously… just close your eyes and picture it.
Amazing, right?
Derek stands in front of the camera, a big smile on his face, and begins speaking into the camera.
"Coming soon… KABLAMAEROBICS!!"
The scene cuts to various PG scenes of KABLAM - alternately known as "Foreplay" or "Degrassi-ing", as an anthemic 80's-style theme pulsates overtop. At the end, the commercial goes back to Adonis, now covered in sweat, his leotard torn in the wrong places, and his shirt worn only around his neck like a necklace. He shivers, but has a great big smile on his face.
"K… K… KABLAM!!"
[i]Finally, another 80's cliché - a big on-screen message zooming right in front in more neon colours - occurs, once again introducing the term… "KABLAMAEROBICS!"
--------------------------------------------
AND NOW BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM
It has been eight months since Derek Adonis was someone who was getting regular airplay on SCW TV shows. That's right, eight long months ago, Derek Adonis was the SCW Television Champion, believe it or not. And at that time, he had a lot going on for him. An apparent wedding with Cookie Dreams, his shared valet with Mantastic Mountain AKA Golden Triangle partner, Manvel, and preceded his victory over Stacy Kissinger for said Championship and led him to a new business venture. Ever since releasing the KABLAMasutra, a… well… let's be honest… a sex guide, Adonis had various hands knocking on his door: Movies (KABLAMasutra: The Movie starring The Dependables), comic books (KABLAMasutra: The Comic Book coming soon from Zenescope Comics because… have you seen their art? It makes sense if you have), and, most prominently, TV show producers (leading to… wait, that's my next point).
As a result of the TV show producers and attaching itself to Adonis' TV Title victory, Derek had spent a number of weeks after losing said Championship to the now-invisible Torsten Voigt working on his life's dream: a Skinemax special series starring him! Yes, believe it or not, people actually paid Derek Adonis for some softcore petting. But, while Derek was away being a married man (surprisingly not blowing it) and working on what is sure to be a hit series in the vein of things like Co-Ed Confidential, he has not been identified as a professional wrestler, and he is… in part. Sure, he also has business mogul, wedding chapel owner and ordained minister credentials. You know what? That's actually pretty cool.
Derek coughs.
As our scene opens up, because we're still setting a scene, we can see Derek Adonis sitting back in bed, his shirt strewn out on the foot of the bed. There's the sound of running water in the distance as Derek sits back, his arms behind his head. The voice of a female can be heard in the distance…
Voice: "I've been meaning to ask why you do that…"
Derek sits comfortably as he hollers out.
Adonis: "A leopard can't change it's stripes."
Voice: "You mean "spots"."
Derek suddenly gets worried. What did this woman mean? Spots? Nervously, he lifts the bedsheet and checks down south before breathing a sigh of relief.
Adonis: "Nope. I'm clean."
Voice: "No… you mean a leopard can't change it's spots."
Adonis: "That's what I said."
Voice: "No, you said "stripes"."
Adonis: "I think I know what I said."
There is a brief moment of pause as, understandably, the still-unseen woman wishes to get away from the whole "leopard" part of the conversation.
Voice: "No, I mean the…"
Adonis: "KABLAM!?"
Voice: "I was going to call it a little more directly."
Adonis: "Sorry… PG audiences."
The woman, a marriage counsellor not seen since January when Derek Adonis was trying to figure out what happened to result in his wedding to Cookie, walks into the scene wearing a thin nightgown, sliding into the bed next to Derek.
Adonis: "But it's like I've told you before… Cookie is ok with this."
Doctor: "A little cliché, don't you think?"
Adonis: "Cliché? Clichés are great. It's why a big ol' teddy bear like me has a shot with any bodacious babes."
Doctor: "Um… right. Still, I know about all that. I mean, it's not like I've never met Cookie before… and given how things are with Manvel…"
Adonis: "Yeah. We're great."
Doctor: "But that doesn't answer my question."
Derek rolls his eyes, clearly exasperated and incapable of reading minds.
Doctor: "Why do you light a cigarette after sex when you don't smoke it?"
Derek looks to the bedside table, seeing the lit cigarette cascading smoke from it into the air set on the rim of a glass ashtray. He coughs again.
Adonis: "Because it's just what people do."
Doctor: "It's what smokers do to unwind."
Adonis: "Who needs to unwind? I thought that's what climaxing was for."
Doctor: "Don't say…"
Adonis: "KABLAM!"
Doctor: "…"Kablam"."
She facepalms a bit, possibly wondering what she did in her life to find herself in bed with Man Mountain, but as the facts appear to be, she has known Derek for at least eight months and not fled, and Derek's marriage - in whatever form it may be - is still ongoing. It's the sort of thing that seems to betray what everyone thinks about Derek Adonis.
Maybe he truly IS a lady's man…
--------------------------------------------
"LADIES… I know you missed me. I have all the letters telling me all about it. You say things like "Man Mountain, I miss you"… okay, so that one isn't exactly creative, but you get the point. And it's not only my personal mailbox that's been blowing up. The mailboxes at my Las Vegas Wedding Chapel, "KABLAM I Do" and at the television network that commissioned and will soon be airing "KABLAMasutra: The TV Series" have been inundated with inquiries… that means "questions"… as to when they will see me on TV again. Well, I can tell you that soon you will be seeing ALL of this on your local Skinemax-substitute in the fall new season with some DELECTABLE starlets who are looking to get their big break. And let me tell you… they do get an exceptionally BIG break… IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!"
Derek winks at the camera.
"But those of you wanting me to return to SCW will have your prayers answered EVEN SOONER, as your Sugarbear is going to be on Breakdown this coming… heh heh… Wednesday, August 22! Yes, Man Mountain has FINALLY got an invitation to get back into the ring in a match against one of the newest LADIES in SCW, Slayter McKinney! And while it isn't exactly fair to the Lady's Man's Man to face someone without any SCW history… someone who hasn't been in a wrestling ring in eight years… don't you worry! I do my homework, and have scoured the internet high and low for any information I could find on my opponent… and do you know what I found?"
He sits back, throwing his arms up in the air a bit.
"No nudes! Not a single all-exposing photograph to give me a true gauge as to what kind of body I'm dealing with here. Sure, there are clothed photos, but we can never be too sure. Clothes can often deceive. You can see a picture of someone wearing a winter coat and assume they are comfy, only to find out that you can play an xylophone with their ribcage! That is NOT very KABLAMable. But don't get me wrong! I have seen some pictures of Slayter and what Daddy sees, Daddy likes!"
Again, Derek winks obnoxiously.
"But you want to know what happened… eight months ago, Man Mountain was on top of Television… the CHAMPION of Television, no less, and enjoyed a certain lifestyle among the Palmela Handersons of the world. And then he wasn't. And people started wondering if he was a flash in the pan… and I don't flash pans anymore! Too much splatter. My fans don't want to see me flash pans. My investors don't want to see me flash pan… and there are a lot of people INVESTED in Derek Adonis… IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!"
We do know what he means… and quite frankly, we're a little grossed out by it.
"But because I don't want to be accused of being a bad welcomer, I'm going to make a deal here. I'll face Slayter McKinney in the ring, and after the match, I'll invite Slayter McKinney out to party Man Mountain-style! Because, while my people demand a certain level of professionality in the ring, when the business suits are shed, Derek Adonis knows how to make a lady smile! So Slayter, I'll see you in the ring and, after the show, I'll show how we REALLY cut loose in SCW and introduce you to the greatest piece of writing there is in existence… the KABLAMasutra!!
KABLAM!!"
The sound of some cheesy 80's music plays over, and a sight we will never forget emerges in the front of the group: Derek Adonis, the King of KABLAM, bursts out wearing a purple leotard and a bright pink sleeveless shirt with the word "KABLAM" scrawled across it in big, bold, neon-green letters on it. Seriously… just close your eyes and picture it.
Amazing, right?
Derek stands in front of the camera, a big smile on his face, and begins speaking into the camera.
"Coming soon… KABLAMAEROBICS!!"
The scene cuts to various PG scenes of KABLAM - alternately known as "Foreplay" or "Degrassi-ing", as an anthemic 80's-style theme pulsates overtop. At the end, the commercial goes back to Adonis, now covered in sweat, his leotard torn in the wrong places, and his shirt worn only around his neck like a necklace. He shivers, but has a great big smile on his face.
"K… K… KABLAM!!"
[i]Finally, another 80's cliché - a big on-screen message zooming right in front in more neon colours - occurs, once again introducing the term… "KABLAMAEROBICS!"
--------------------------------------------
AND NOW BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM
It has been eight months since Derek Adonis was someone who was getting regular airplay on SCW TV shows. That's right, eight long months ago, Derek Adonis was the SCW Television Champion, believe it or not. And at that time, he had a lot going on for him. An apparent wedding with Cookie Dreams, his shared valet with Mantastic Mountain AKA Golden Triangle partner, Manvel, and preceded his victory over Stacy Kissinger for said Championship and led him to a new business venture. Ever since releasing the KABLAMasutra, a… well… let's be honest… a sex guide, Adonis had various hands knocking on his door: Movies (KABLAMasutra: The Movie starring The Dependables), comic books (KABLAMasutra: The Comic Book coming soon from Zenescope Comics because… have you seen their art? It makes sense if you have), and, most prominently, TV show producers (leading to… wait, that's my next point).
As a result of the TV show producers and attaching itself to Adonis' TV Title victory, Derek had spent a number of weeks after losing said Championship to the now-invisible Torsten Voigt working on his life's dream: a Skinemax special series starring him! Yes, believe it or not, people actually paid Derek Adonis for some softcore petting. But, while Derek was away being a married man (surprisingly not blowing it) and working on what is sure to be a hit series in the vein of things like Co-Ed Confidential, he has not been identified as a professional wrestler, and he is… in part. Sure, he also has business mogul, wedding chapel owner and ordained minister credentials. You know what? That's actually pretty cool.
Derek coughs.
As our scene opens up, because we're still setting a scene, we can see Derek Adonis sitting back in bed, his shirt strewn out on the foot of the bed. There's the sound of running water in the distance as Derek sits back, his arms behind his head. The voice of a female can be heard in the distance…
Voice: "I've been meaning to ask why you do that…"
Derek sits comfortably as he hollers out.
Adonis: "A leopard can't change it's stripes."
Voice: "You mean "spots"."
Derek suddenly gets worried. What did this woman mean? Spots? Nervously, he lifts the bedsheet and checks down south before breathing a sigh of relief.
Adonis: "Nope. I'm clean."
Voice: "No… you mean a leopard can't change it's spots."
Adonis: "That's what I said."
Voice: "No, you said "stripes"."
Adonis: "I think I know what I said."
There is a brief moment of pause as, understandably, the still-unseen woman wishes to get away from the whole "leopard" part of the conversation.
Voice: "No, I mean the…"
Adonis: "KABLAM!?"
Voice: "I was going to call it a little more directly."
Adonis: "Sorry… PG audiences."
The woman, a marriage counsellor not seen since January when Derek Adonis was trying to figure out what happened to result in his wedding to Cookie, walks into the scene wearing a thin nightgown, sliding into the bed next to Derek.
Adonis: "But it's like I've told you before… Cookie is ok with this."
Doctor: "A little cliché, don't you think?"
Adonis: "Cliché? Clichés are great. It's why a big ol' teddy bear like me has a shot with any bodacious babes."
Doctor: "Um… right. Still, I know about all that. I mean, it's not like I've never met Cookie before… and given how things are with Manvel…"
Adonis: "Yeah. We're great."
Doctor: "But that doesn't answer my question."
Derek rolls his eyes, clearly exasperated and incapable of reading minds.
Doctor: "Why do you light a cigarette after sex when you don't smoke it?"
Derek looks to the bedside table, seeing the lit cigarette cascading smoke from it into the air set on the rim of a glass ashtray. He coughs again.
Adonis: "Because it's just what people do."
Doctor: "It's what smokers do to unwind."
Adonis: "Who needs to unwind? I thought that's what climaxing was for."
Doctor: "Don't say…"
Adonis: "KABLAM!"
Doctor: "…"Kablam"."
She facepalms a bit, possibly wondering what she did in her life to find herself in bed with Man Mountain, but as the facts appear to be, she has known Derek for at least eight months and not fled, and Derek's marriage - in whatever form it may be - is still ongoing. It's the sort of thing that seems to betray what everyone thinks about Derek Adonis.
Maybe he truly IS a lady's man…
--------------------------------------------
"LADIES… I know you missed me. I have all the letters telling me all about it. You say things like "Man Mountain, I miss you"… okay, so that one isn't exactly creative, but you get the point. And it's not only my personal mailbox that's been blowing up. The mailboxes at my Las Vegas Wedding Chapel, "KABLAM I Do" and at the television network that commissioned and will soon be airing "KABLAMasutra: The TV Series" have been inundated with inquiries… that means "questions"… as to when they will see me on TV again. Well, I can tell you that soon you will be seeing ALL of this on your local Skinemax-substitute in the fall new season with some DELECTABLE starlets who are looking to get their big break. And let me tell you… they do get an exceptionally BIG break… IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!"
Derek winks at the camera.
"But those of you wanting me to return to SCW will have your prayers answered EVEN SOONER, as your Sugarbear is going to be on Breakdown this coming… heh heh… Wednesday, August 22! Yes, Man Mountain has FINALLY got an invitation to get back into the ring in a match against one of the newest LADIES in SCW, Slayter McKinney! And while it isn't exactly fair to the Lady's Man's Man to face someone without any SCW history… someone who hasn't been in a wrestling ring in eight years… don't you worry! I do my homework, and have scoured the internet high and low for any information I could find on my opponent… and do you know what I found?"
He sits back, throwing his arms up in the air a bit.
"No nudes! Not a single all-exposing photograph to give me a true gauge as to what kind of body I'm dealing with here. Sure, there are clothed photos, but we can never be too sure. Clothes can often deceive. You can see a picture of someone wearing a winter coat and assume they are comfy, only to find out that you can play an xylophone with their ribcage! That is NOT very KABLAMable. But don't get me wrong! I have seen some pictures of Slayter and what Daddy sees, Daddy likes!"
Again, Derek winks obnoxiously.
"But you want to know what happened… eight months ago, Man Mountain was on top of Television… the CHAMPION of Television, no less, and enjoyed a certain lifestyle among the Palmela Handersons of the world. And then he wasn't. And people started wondering if he was a flash in the pan… and I don't flash pans anymore! Too much splatter. My fans don't want to see me flash pans. My investors don't want to see me flash pan… and there are a lot of people INVESTED in Derek Adonis… IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!"
We do know what he means… and quite frankly, we're a little grossed out by it.
"But because I don't want to be accused of being a bad welcomer, I'm going to make a deal here. I'll face Slayter McKinney in the ring, and after the match, I'll invite Slayter McKinney out to party Man Mountain-style! Because, while my people demand a certain level of professionality in the ring, when the business suits are shed, Derek Adonis knows how to make a lady smile! So Slayter, I'll see you in the ring and, after the show, I'll show how we REALLY cut loose in SCW and introduce you to the greatest piece of writing there is in existence… the KABLAMasutra!!
KABLAM!!"