12-06-2019, 06:48 AM
Been trying to write in here for ages, but I’ve struggled to put into words how depression effects me. Whenever I have, it’s sounded “melodramatic” to me and I’ve ended up deleting whatever I wrote. Then yesterday, in part thanks to Jon and in part due to just a lovely NHS doctor who gave me the first of two referrals I need for Gender Confirmation surgery, I had a good day. I started thinking about how depression effects me again to try to put it into words for my work (which I’m currently off sick from due to... depression!) and I think I’ve found a way.
So, the way that depression gets it’s nasty fingers into me is that I have a habit of believing that I am worthless, that everything I do, say and think is worthless, and that there’s no point in me doing anything. When that gets what my brain then perceives as confirmation from something, I drop a level and it begins again. Recently my brain has gotten so much “confirmation” that it’s been spiralling uncontrollably.
The more stuff happens, the more it feeds into this feeling that I’m worthless, everything I do, say and think is worthless, and I end up wanting to die. Because I’m not a confrontational person I take these feelings home, obsess over them, I can’t sleep because of them, all of this is going around and around in my head, and it all feeds into itself and drags me down further and further and further and further until I feel like I’m spiralling into an abyss.
Fortunately I have another week off work yet to attempt to drag myself back to a level where I feel like I have some kind of worth as a human being. Jon helped with that yesterday, Jax the dog helps with that because he’s adorable and loves me unconditionally because I’m his mommy and his favourite person in the world, and... for the first time in over a week I have a little bit of hope that I may feel better. Plus, I actually slept properly last night, which made a nice change. So thank you Jon, I heart you more than you will ever know.
So, the way that depression gets it’s nasty fingers into me is that I have a habit of believing that I am worthless, that everything I do, say and think is worthless, and that there’s no point in me doing anything. When that gets what my brain then perceives as confirmation from something, I drop a level and it begins again. Recently my brain has gotten so much “confirmation” that it’s been spiralling uncontrollably.
The more stuff happens, the more it feeds into this feeling that I’m worthless, everything I do, say and think is worthless, and I end up wanting to die. Because I’m not a confrontational person I take these feelings home, obsess over them, I can’t sleep because of them, all of this is going around and around in my head, and it all feeds into itself and drags me down further and further and further and further until I feel like I’m spiralling into an abyss.
Fortunately I have another week off work yet to attempt to drag myself back to a level where I feel like I have some kind of worth as a human being. Jon helped with that yesterday, Jax the dog helps with that because he’s adorable and loves me unconditionally because I’m his mommy and his favourite person in the world, and... for the first time in over a week I have a little bit of hope that I may feel better. Plus, I actually slept properly last night, which made a nice change. So thank you Jon, I heart you more than you will ever know.
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