02-25-2020, 08:58 PM
TURN THE PG
Woman: “Excuse me, Mr. Adonis. This way.”
Derek Adonis felt like a child in the Principal’s office, his stomach a bundle of nerves as he passed down the hallway riddled with non-descript offices. Looking around, he literally recognized no one along the way, which didn’t help matters. All Adonis knew was that earlier in the week, he was sent a message from Supreme Championship Wrestling headquarters. Apparently he was being requested for a personal meeting with SCW’s head of Standards and Practices, Eric Richards, pertaining to his public persona. It made Adonis nervous because the whole thing confused him. He didn’t know what “Standards and Practices” took care of. And as for his “public persona”, while he put his personality over the top - some advice he got from a wrestler-turned-movie star who once eloped in his KABLAM Wedding Chapel in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada - he didn’t know what was meant by that either. He walks into the office of Mr. Richards and chuckles a bit, imagining the man wearing a cardigan sweater and loafers. To his dismay, there was no sweater to be seen as he was clearly confusing Eric Richards with Mr. Rogers.
Richards: “Mr. Adonis, thank you for joining me.”
Derek walks in, shaking the man’s hand and imagining the cheesiest line he can muster…
Adonis: “Please, call me Derek. Mr. Adonis was my father.”
It wasn’t, and Eric knew this.
Richards: “Says here your birth name is “Marchetti”...”
Derek was caught. Flustered, he laughs half-heartedly before shrugging his shoulders, putting his hands in the air with an innocent…
Adonis: “You got me.”
Richards: “Please… take a seat.”
Eric motions to the chairs across from the desk. Derek looks to them and steps around, sitting back in one of them before wriggling in it just a little bit to get comfortable. As he focused on the feeling of his ass in the chair, Richards began to speak.
Richards: “I want to thank you for joining me here today. We don’t have an awful lot to talk to you about. You must be wondering why I asked for you here, and I just want to assure you that it is not my function to process terminations.”
Derek looks up with a concerned expression.
Richards: “That means you’re not getting fired.”
He breathes a sigh of relief.
Adonis: “Oh thank God! I know I come across kind of strong at times, and I was afraid that someone decided to take that and file a false report about me on the internet. You know they can ruin lives now just by saying you did something?”
Richards: “Mr. Adonis… Derek… please.”
Adonis: “Sorry. Just when I get nervous I start to ramble.”
Richards: “I… I get it. Just, please.”
Adonis makes the motion across his lips as though he’s zipping them shut. Richards pulls out a green file folder, opening it in front of him.
Richards: “Derek, Supreme Championship Wrestling takes great pains to monitor its talent to make sure the company remains… protected… should any legal issues arise. We’ve had some issues before where talent has done things like terrorize Sesame Street or…”
Derek tries to stifle a laugh.
Richards: “Is something funny?”
Adonis: “No… well, yeah… but it’s cool. I just remembered that episode.”
Richards: “Derek, I want to cut through the forest and get down to the heart of the matter here. We’re going to need you to tone it down a bit.”
Derek tilts his head in further confusion.
Adonis: “Que pasa?”
Richards: “To date, we’ve received several complaints about your programming choices on SCW television due to it’s overtly sexual nature.”
Adonis: “Come again?”
Richards: “There are people out there who seem to think you’re a “smut peddler”.”
Derek shakes his hands, waving off the criticism.
Adonis: “That was just Loretta. We’re cool now… there’s a truce and everything.”
Richards: “It’s not just Loretta.”
Adonis: “What!? Who? I want names and....”
Richards: “It’s not the policy of SCW to retain names for complaints of this nature.”
Derek is dumbfounded. Who could complain about the fun-loving Man Mountain? Purveyor of KABLAM!? The greatest wrestler to come out of the drive-thru wedding chapel industry?
Adonis: “So what? You’re censoring me? Suspending me? FIRING me?”
Richards shakes his head.
Richards: “What? No. You see, Mr. Adonis, you’re a popular draw for young males aged eighteen to forty-nine. Your level of popularity, while confusing to many purists, has been a financial windfall for SCW.”
Adonis: “But people are complaining?”
Richards: “Yes…”
He looks down over his papers.
Richards: “Derek, have you ever considered… going PG?”
This confuses Adonis, who tilts his head as if he was a puppy receiving admonishment for something he didn’t quite understand because, really, he didn’t quite understand.
Adonis: “Come again?”
He laughs, probably because he said co-...
Richards: “I mean toning down your act… keeping all the charm and charisma that draws people to you, but losing some of the smutty undertones.”
Adonis: “Guy, without the “smutty undertones”, I have no act. You think it’s bewildering that young males aged eighteen to forty-nine support me. I have no question about it. Look at Cookie.”
Derek procures a photograph of his buxon wife from seemingly nowhere.
Richards: “I’ve seen your wi…”
Adonis: “LOOK AT HER!”
Richards sighs, looking at the picture.
Richards: “She’s very attractive.”
Adonis: “Now imagine what would happen if we had to take this very attractive image and cover it up. That target market would shrivel up faster than…”
Richards: “I…!”
He interjects loudly, cutting Adonis off before he could finish his shrivelling thought.
Richards: “I think we both know what’s coming next.”
Adonis: “A balloon in cold temperatures?”
This surprises Richards, who was expecting something a lot more graphic.
Adonis: “You want to tone me down… make me PG. I don’t think that’s the best way to operate is to give into special interest groups. Once you give them KABLAM, what are they going to come for next? Sienna Swann’s photoshoots? Selena Frost’s sponsorship deals on EV-ER-Y-THING!? I’ve dealt with people like that in Vegas. Once you give them an inch, they’ll start singing Twisted Sister about how they’re not going to take it and you’re stuck giving them everything. Then they crank the Beastie Boys because they think you’re trying to trifle with their right to party. THEN… ohhh… THEN they…”
Richards: “Are you done yet?”
Adonis: “CLEARLY I’m not.”
Richards: “You could just be rambling.”
Adonis stops to ponder that.
Adonis: “Ok, that’s fair.”
Richards: “Derek, SCW has appointed you a personal content advisor.”
He gasps.
Adonis: “A PCA!? … What’s a PCA?”
Richards: “It’s just someone that’s going to be around whenever you record things to make sure they remain… family-friendly.”
Derek reacts with an offended expression.
Adonis: “Everything I do is family-friendly! It couldn’t possibly be FRIENDLIER for families! Heck… our work helps GROW families… IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!”
Richards: “Sadly I do. Look, Derek… the truth is, this was really only a courtesy visit. Miss Wright has already been assigned to your camera crews with the intent to evaluate first, then see where we can make changes and have more accountability.”
Adonis: “I’m sorry… Miss?”
Richards: “Portia Wright. She’s one of the top media consultants in the upper mid-northwest.”
Adonis: “And she’s going to make me PG?”
Richards: “That’s the goal.”
Adonis sits back, shaking his head.
Adonis: “And the KABLAM-a-sutra?”
Richards: “Your outside ventures will remain permitted, but will be held to stringent vetting standards. We’re trying to move away from the pornographic and towards something that will become more profitable for everyone.”
Voice: “What if “KABLAM” is something we can all feel comfortable with children saying?”
Eric looks up towards the door as Adonis spins, hearing the cadence of a female voice.
Richards: “Ah! I’m glad you could make it.”
He hurries out of his seat, approaching the woman and shaking her hand.
Richards: “Derek, this is Portia Wright…”
Wright: “And you must be Mr. Adonis. It’s a pleasure.”
Derek stammers.
Adonis: “Acquaintance to make your pleasure… I MEAN…”
Richards: “Derek! That wasn’t PG.”
Adonis: “That was a slip! Honest!”
Wright: “It’s quite alright, Eric. I’ve been doing this long enough to know that breaking out of old habits isn’t always the easiest.”
Richards: “Well come in… take a seat. We were just discussing some of the initial plans for this project.”
Derek watches as the woman walks in. For a censorship expert, she certainly appeared to be dressed to inspire thoughts of… no. No, Derek must resist those thoughts, no matter how smooth her legs were, or how much her necklace drew the eyes down her chest towards…
Wright: “Well, I’m just here now to be a sounding board and help keep things on the level. So what have we got so far?”
She looked to Adonis, adjusting her glasses as her crimson lips curled up into a smile. Derek was in trouble.
Richards: “Right now we haven’t got a whole lot of anything figured out. We just know that Mr. Adonis’ act here is not the most wholesome, family-friendly act and that’s brought about a few complaints. We want to be able to put those complaints to bed while retaining the integrity of the KABLAM brand within SCW.”
Wright: “Okay…”
She held an open notebook on her crossed legs, dangling her hanging foot off the ground as she wrote some notes down. Derek leans over, trying to see what she was writing.
Wright: “Have we thought about any products geared specifically for younger people. I know the KABLAM-a-sutra and other products you have are more… adult in nature.”
She was understating it.
Wright: “But anything that would encourage younger people to support your brand?”
Adonis: “Uhhhhhh…”
She waves her hand, shaking his thought bubble away.
Wright: “We can work on that. Marketing strategies? Things to show that you’re a progressive brand and interested in people of all ages?”
Adonis: “Whoaaaa… Daddy doesn’t diddle! It’s one of the few rules of KABLAM!”
Both Richards and Wright glance to each other, and Portia nervously laughs.
Wright: “What does that mean?”
Adonis: “Well, I want people to know that KABLAM exists, yes, but I have no involvement in spreading the message to underage patrons. We’re like cigarettes in that way. VEEEEEEEEEERY phallic.”
Wright: “Okay… but what if… and stick with me here…”
She reaches out, placing a hand on Derek’s shoulder, which prompts him to shift uncomfortably.
Wright: “...it wasn’t?”
Adonis: “... Goooo oooooon…”
Wright: “What if you found a way to expand your product line so everyone could have something? Then as you transition from R to PG, it will be more of a natural fit.”
Adonis: “So like… what if the sex we talked about was…”
Wright: “What if you didn’t sell yourself on sex at all?”
Adonis shirks at the thought.
Adonis: “Well now you’re just crazy.”
Wright: “No… like, hear me out here. That’s what these groups of complainants have taken issue with. It’s all the sex talk. So what if you just took that and set it aside and used KABLAM as more of a life-affirmation thing… like you’re going to run head-first into your day! KABLAM!”
Richards: “She’s got a good point, Derek.”
Adonis knew she did. Stubbornly sticking to his point wasn’t going to win him any battles, nor did he have the mental sharpness to engage in defending the sexualization of his KABLAMpire. Still…
Adonis: “I don’t know…”
Wright: “What have you got to lose, really?”
Adonis: “Hmm… I never thought about it like THAT before.”
Wright: “Like what?”
Adonis: “Okay… we’ll test the waters. See where it goes. Who knows… it COULD let KABLAM survive for another 10 years.”
Richards: “You’ve been doing this for 10 years?”
Adonis laughs.
Adonis: “At LEAST! The KABLAM-a-sutra is my life’s work!”
Richards: “I don’t know if I should be impressed or sad.”
Wright: “Impressed. Definitely impressed.”
Adonis sits back beaming slightly, but also slightly nervous. He was about to be forced out of his comfort zone, a zone he had grown very comfortable in, and into an area that was very unlike him. One where his visit to Sesame Street over a year ago would actually be a pleasant experience not wrought with his attempts to get Elmo and Abby to hook up “finally”. Still, there was a certain daunting quality to what he was about to undertake… and how would others in his circle respond to it? How would Cookie feel? Or Beard? What would happen with Chesty LaRue and the KNN team? And of course the more Derek thought about it, the more in his head he became about it. His nerves grew…
What the hell did he agree to?
K A B L A M K A B L A M K A B L A M K A B L A M K A B L A M K A B L A M K A B L A M
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to 2020!
I know… I know… King KABLAMpo has been awfully neglectful to his adoring legions of fans lately, but hey, I’m going to make it up to you! I can’t spill the beans quite yet, but I can tell you that this year is going to be the BIGGEST in KABLAM history! We are going to reach out beyond our usual comfort zones and embrace things you would have never EVER expected out of us! Because if there’s one thing we believe in at KABLAM labs, it’s that constant innovation and evolution is the way of the future! KABLAM!
BUT as much as I would love to just give you a full rundown on EVERYTHING we’re going to be rolling out this year, this is sadly NOT paid commercial time. If it was, believe me… you would have your credit card in your hand and your pants… um… still on. Yeah, that works. I’m here with the task of interesting you in watching SCW Breakdown this week. Yes, Man Mountain returns to action on the number one wrestling program on television! And I don't think anyone would disagree with me there. Seriously… IS there a program that offers as much for as many different types of people as Breakdown? And this week is a doozy, because what we're offering is Derek Adonis against Chris Cannon.
Wow… even saying that just gave me goosebumps.
You would think that a guy like me would be intimidated going into a high stakes matchup against someone like Chris Cannon. You just have to look at his record and you’ll see it… TWO former World Champions have shared their bed with him. That’s impressive. But I won’t be frightened! Oh no! I am Derek Adonis! Man Mountain! The TWO-TIME Champion of Television! I am King KABLAMpo, and I have the X taped over my belly button to prove it!
I’m not expecting an easy match. I’m not expecting anything out of this. I’m going to soak up every moment I have in the ring in front of the people… MY people… because I know that time may be fleeting. I know Chris Cannon will have some bad intentions for me. The only intentions I have for him is putting him in the position to put some smiles on the people’s faces.
And if that means letting him experience a KABLAM the likes of which he will never… E-E-E-E-E-EVER be able to replicate? Well…
So be it.
KABLAM!”