07-23-2020, 04:59 PM
OOC: First of 3, Best of luck to everyone!
Off Camera
BlackOut Academy Gym
Monday, July 13, 2020
New Orleans, Louisiana
6 am
Imagine for a minute if you can what it must be like to live with major depression disorder with anxiety. You might wake up in the morning and feel just fine but something triggers you at some point throughout the day. After that it is downhill, where you are feeling tired you just want to be alone, even if you are surrounded by people. You could even be the center of everyone's attention, and yet you feel like that is probably the last place that you could even possibly be. You just want to go somewhere you can be alone and go to sleep, because sleeping is all you feel like doing, even though sleeping should be the last thing on your mind. If you can imagine this you know how it feels to be controlled by an invisible monster that we call depression and it feels like one of the most constricting things you could ever live through.
Or, you could say that you now know how it feels to be me, Kelsai Adamson-Mason.
What, are you shocked, finding it hard to believe that I could be the one who is living in such silent torture? It is true however, and to make matters worse, I am still living in this silent torture because I still have not told anyone what is going on with me. My psychologist Dr. Lucio (yeah I see a psychologist, people might find that surprising), she has been strongly encouraging me to tell the truth to my husband Victor Mason. Strongly encouraging might not be exactly correct either, as Dr. Lucio has told me that I either come back to her and tell her that I have told Victor about my condition or she will no longer be my psychologist.
I know that Dr. Lucio is right and I know that I should tell Victor exactly what is going on. Victor would be the start of such a strong system of support for me, if I would give him the opportunity. I also have my reasons why I have been unable to tell him so far, reasons that I believe are good even though it is probably never good to keep something like this from the person you are married to. Truth be told, you should never keep anything from your spouse at all and yet I do.
I am keeping this from everyone, and if I am really being honest it is tearing me apart, but don't expect to hear that from me anytime soon. I will just keep smiling that smile that only I know how to smile, keep being a great role model to all of the little girls out there in the crowd, keep suffering in silence and you, the fans who I have such a great relationship with, you will never know.
My mentor Amy Chastaine, a woman who is like a mom to me? She will never know.
My brother-in-law Blake Mason, a man who I am so close to that I call him brother, and I always have? He will never know.
And of course the love of my life, my darling husband Victor? He will never know either of course.
Don't you all understand? None of you are ever going to know unless I start to open my mouth and say something which at this time I don't that I ever will. This is my cross to bear, my burden, and right now I can handle this on my own, or at least that is what I am trying to tell myself as I sit alone inside the BlackOut Academy’s gym, watching TV of all things. The last thing that you would ever expect to see me doing, watching TV, alone by myself which is the last way you would ever expect to see me doing this. Doing the last thing you would expect me to do, and doing it alone. If anyone would find me here, that would almost certainly know that something is wrong, but nearby else is here, thankfully. Then again, it is 7 am.
Oh shit, there is somebody at the door, I wonder who that could be? I guess I had better think of something good because chances are this other person is not going anywhere and judging from the silhouette on the door I know this person all too well…
“Good morning, Jason.”
“Kelsai, I didn’t expect to see you, at least not soon. What are you doing here at this time in the morning?”
“You’re not an early riser yourself, or at least I have never pegged one for being one. So six o’clock in the morning, I could actually ask you the same thing and have it being a very valid question I might add.”
“Yes it would be valid, and so ignoring the fact that for you are choosing not to answer me and instead trying desperately to change the subject, let’s just say that I was trying to get in some early morning reps in get ready for Rise to Greatness before the place gets busy and we will leave it at that.”
Laughing and giggling, I can’t help it as I start to beam. “Wait a minute, are you meaning to tell me that Jason Helms needs to get some work in because he is concerned about facing Subarashi on the biggest stage in professional wrestling?”
“Well it is Rise to Greatness after all and I don’t even know for sure who in the hell that it is that I am facing, and since I really don’t like having my as...butt handed to me as it were, yeah, getting some extra work in seemed like the thing to do.”
I started giggling some more, having some fun now even though I knew whay I was saying wasn’t true. “I have to admit that I am a little bit shocked, you of all people saying that you’re afraid of an opponent.”
“Afraid? No I never said afraid and I think that you know that is not true at all. Now that I am done letting you have a good time with me, why don’t we get back to the big question.”
“And what question might that be?”
“Don’t get smart with me alright, you know exactly what I am talking about. You are alone, at six o’clock in the morning, and you of all people are watching TV.”
“Can I not watch TV?
“You can certainly watch TV, that is not the issue however. In the time that I have known you, how many times have I seen you watching TV?”
“This is probably the first.”
“I am sure it is the first. But, it seems like you don’t want to tell me what is going on right now, so, I guess that I will act then, what are you watching in the morning when most people are sleeping anyway?”
I beam. “It's a reality show called Charlie’s Heart and they are almost at the end. The series finale is on tonight and I was just catching up on the previous episode which is kind of just them looking back and reviewing everything that has happened so far to get to this point tonight. I have it on pause if you would care to join me?” I flash my eyes toward Jason, who shakes his head coming toward me and sitting down. “I swear, if anyone else finds out about this Kelsai….” I can convince him to do almost anything sometimes, I swear.
Pressing pause on the remote while Jason gets comfortable in a chair alongside me, the two of us start watching and I am thankful that I no longer have to answer questions from Jason about why I was here so early in the morning. This is mostly because Jason is both a good friend as well as one of my coaches that I work closely with, and if anyone could get me to spill about my depression he certainly had a shot. Right now though, Jason is staring at the TV set open mouth and trying to come up with words for what he sees in front of him, which makes me want to laugh at him even more, but I am trying to be nice and so I don’t do that.
“I have heard about this!”
“Yeah? What have you heard?”
“Well I mean it is a reality dating show so there are two women left and they are each trying to get that guy to pick them. But these women, are you seeing what I am seeing Kelsai?”
“I don’t know, what are you seeing Jason?” I giggle, because I could have bet that I knew what was coming and I was correct.
“The taller one, she is a dead ringer for Bree! And the shorter one, she looks exactly like another woman that used to wrestle in SCW, Nicole Kinneck! And that guy, the Charlie guy, he looks like Otto, the homeless guy who is out here in front of the Academy sometimes!”
“Well that first one is definitely not Bree..”
“Well considering Bree is with brother, I might have heard something about it if it was.”
“Fair point. Her name is actually Gem, the other woman is April, and the guy who looks like sweet Otto, albeit cleaned up nicely, his name is of course Charlie.”
“Right, Charlie’s Heart, I get that. This is just so surreal that they all look like people that are associated with us, amazing.”
For the next several minutes we watch in silence, until the episode comes to a commercial, then Jason turns and looks at me curiously.
“What is that look for?”
“Just that I wanted to let you know that if you are ever needing someone to talk to, this is just like when you choose me for the Trios Tournament after Blake would go with you, I can be the person that you need to talk to if something is going on.”
Don’t do that Jason, please? “What makes you think that something might be going on?”
“Because I heard you talking to Dr. Lucio at the shelter a couple of times and I know that you have been seeing her as a client.”
Shit!
“I don’t know why but I am willing to bet that has something to do with why you are here right now, rather than at home in bed. So if you ever need to talk I can listen, alright?”
“I wish that I could tell you what is going on right now Jason. Life might be so much easier for me if I could and I will tell everyone what is happening at some point, but right now I am just not there yet, ok? So, if you could just be my friend and keep watching the show with me I would really appreciate it, alright?”
“You got it girl.
So my friend and I sat and finished watching a TV show together while I realized that I needed to tell my husband about my condition sooner rather than later.
The Walls Are Closing In
Off Camera
BlackOut Academy Gym
Monday, July 13, 2020
New Orleans, Louisiana
6 am
Imagine for a minute if you can what it must be like to live with major depression disorder with anxiety. You might wake up in the morning and feel just fine but something triggers you at some point throughout the day. After that it is downhill, where you are feeling tired you just want to be alone, even if you are surrounded by people. You could even be the center of everyone's attention, and yet you feel like that is probably the last place that you could even possibly be. You just want to go somewhere you can be alone and go to sleep, because sleeping is all you feel like doing, even though sleeping should be the last thing on your mind. If you can imagine this you know how it feels to be controlled by an invisible monster that we call depression and it feels like one of the most constricting things you could ever live through.
Or, you could say that you now know how it feels to be me, Kelsai Adamson-Mason.
What, are you shocked, finding it hard to believe that I could be the one who is living in such silent torture? It is true however, and to make matters worse, I am still living in this silent torture because I still have not told anyone what is going on with me. My psychologist Dr. Lucio (yeah I see a psychologist, people might find that surprising), she has been strongly encouraging me to tell the truth to my husband Victor Mason. Strongly encouraging might not be exactly correct either, as Dr. Lucio has told me that I either come back to her and tell her that I have told Victor about my condition or she will no longer be my psychologist.
I know that Dr. Lucio is right and I know that I should tell Victor exactly what is going on. Victor would be the start of such a strong system of support for me, if I would give him the opportunity. I also have my reasons why I have been unable to tell him so far, reasons that I believe are good even though it is probably never good to keep something like this from the person you are married to. Truth be told, you should never keep anything from your spouse at all and yet I do.
I am keeping this from everyone, and if I am really being honest it is tearing me apart, but don't expect to hear that from me anytime soon. I will just keep smiling that smile that only I know how to smile, keep being a great role model to all of the little girls out there in the crowd, keep suffering in silence and you, the fans who I have such a great relationship with, you will never know.
My mentor Amy Chastaine, a woman who is like a mom to me? She will never know.
My brother-in-law Blake Mason, a man who I am so close to that I call him brother, and I always have? He will never know.
And of course the love of my life, my darling husband Victor? He will never know either of course.
Don't you all understand? None of you are ever going to know unless I start to open my mouth and say something which at this time I don't that I ever will. This is my cross to bear, my burden, and right now I can handle this on my own, or at least that is what I am trying to tell myself as I sit alone inside the BlackOut Academy’s gym, watching TV of all things. The last thing that you would ever expect to see me doing, watching TV, alone by myself which is the last way you would ever expect to see me doing this. Doing the last thing you would expect me to do, and doing it alone. If anyone would find me here, that would almost certainly know that something is wrong, but nearby else is here, thankfully. Then again, it is 7 am.
Oh shit, there is somebody at the door, I wonder who that could be? I guess I had better think of something good because chances are this other person is not going anywhere and judging from the silhouette on the door I know this person all too well…
“Good morning, Jason.”
“Kelsai, I didn’t expect to see you, at least not soon. What are you doing here at this time in the morning?”
“You’re not an early riser yourself, or at least I have never pegged one for being one. So six o’clock in the morning, I could actually ask you the same thing and have it being a very valid question I might add.”
“Yes it would be valid, and so ignoring the fact that for you are choosing not to answer me and instead trying desperately to change the subject, let’s just say that I was trying to get in some early morning reps in get ready for Rise to Greatness before the place gets busy and we will leave it at that.”
Laughing and giggling, I can’t help it as I start to beam. “Wait a minute, are you meaning to tell me that Jason Helms needs to get some work in because he is concerned about facing Subarashi on the biggest stage in professional wrestling?”
“Well it is Rise to Greatness after all and I don’t even know for sure who in the hell that it is that I am facing, and since I really don’t like having my as...butt handed to me as it were, yeah, getting some extra work in seemed like the thing to do.”
I started giggling some more, having some fun now even though I knew whay I was saying wasn’t true. “I have to admit that I am a little bit shocked, you of all people saying that you’re afraid of an opponent.”
“Afraid? No I never said afraid and I think that you know that is not true at all. Now that I am done letting you have a good time with me, why don’t we get back to the big question.”
“And what question might that be?”
“Don’t get smart with me alright, you know exactly what I am talking about. You are alone, at six o’clock in the morning, and you of all people are watching TV.”
“Can I not watch TV?
“You can certainly watch TV, that is not the issue however. In the time that I have known you, how many times have I seen you watching TV?”
“This is probably the first.”
“I am sure it is the first. But, it seems like you don’t want to tell me what is going on right now, so, I guess that I will act then, what are you watching in the morning when most people are sleeping anyway?”
I beam. “It's a reality show called Charlie’s Heart and they are almost at the end. The series finale is on tonight and I was just catching up on the previous episode which is kind of just them looking back and reviewing everything that has happened so far to get to this point tonight. I have it on pause if you would care to join me?” I flash my eyes toward Jason, who shakes his head coming toward me and sitting down. “I swear, if anyone else finds out about this Kelsai….” I can convince him to do almost anything sometimes, I swear.
Pressing pause on the remote while Jason gets comfortable in a chair alongside me, the two of us start watching and I am thankful that I no longer have to answer questions from Jason about why I was here so early in the morning. This is mostly because Jason is both a good friend as well as one of my coaches that I work closely with, and if anyone could get me to spill about my depression he certainly had a shot. Right now though, Jason is staring at the TV set open mouth and trying to come up with words for what he sees in front of him, which makes me want to laugh at him even more, but I am trying to be nice and so I don’t do that.
“I have heard about this!”
“Yeah? What have you heard?”
“Well I mean it is a reality dating show so there are two women left and they are each trying to get that guy to pick them. But these women, are you seeing what I am seeing Kelsai?”
“I don’t know, what are you seeing Jason?” I giggle, because I could have bet that I knew what was coming and I was correct.
“The taller one, she is a dead ringer for Bree! And the shorter one, she looks exactly like another woman that used to wrestle in SCW, Nicole Kinneck! And that guy, the Charlie guy, he looks like Otto, the homeless guy who is out here in front of the Academy sometimes!”
“Well that first one is definitely not Bree..”
“Well considering Bree is with brother, I might have heard something about it if it was.”
“Fair point. Her name is actually Gem, the other woman is April, and the guy who looks like sweet Otto, albeit cleaned up nicely, his name is of course Charlie.”
“Right, Charlie’s Heart, I get that. This is just so surreal that they all look like people that are associated with us, amazing.”
For the next several minutes we watch in silence, until the episode comes to a commercial, then Jason turns and looks at me curiously.
“What is that look for?”
“Just that I wanted to let you know that if you are ever needing someone to talk to, this is just like when you choose me for the Trios Tournament after Blake would go with you, I can be the person that you need to talk to if something is going on.”
Don’t do that Jason, please? “What makes you think that something might be going on?”
“Because I heard you talking to Dr. Lucio at the shelter a couple of times and I know that you have been seeing her as a client.”
Shit!
“I don’t know why but I am willing to bet that has something to do with why you are here right now, rather than at home in bed. So if you ever need to talk I can listen, alright?”
“I wish that I could tell you what is going on right now Jason. Life might be so much easier for me if I could and I will tell everyone what is happening at some point, but right now I am just not there yet, ok? So, if you could just be my friend and keep watching the show with me I would really appreciate it, alright?”
“You got it girl.
So my friend and I sat and finished watching a TV show together while I realized that I needed to tell my husband about my condition sooner rather than later.