Crystal Zdunich vs. Ricky James

[Ricky James]

Another week, another successful title defense for Ricky James. Despite The Silent Majority’s best efforts to have the match “thrown out”, Ricky still had to compete against Maria Salvatore. Ricky was able to defeat Maria and hold on to his coveted “Championship of Television”. On paper the match looked lopsided. Ricky James and The Silent Majority had every reason to feel confident in Ricky’s ability to retain. But instead, The Silent Majority focused on accusing Maria Salvatore of committing or being involved with a litany of felonies and complaining about how unfair it was that Ricky had to defend his title two weeks in a row.



We hate to break it to Ricky, Lucy, Rudy, and Kellyanne, but Ricky has yet another title defense scheduled for this upcoming week, this time against Crystal Zdunich. Everyone knows how the TV Title works in SCW - it is defended every week on televised broadcasts of Breakdown. For some reason, The Silent Majority cannot comprehend this. Ricky is the “only champion” to have to defend his title this often. It has “never happened before”.


Perhaps painting Ricky as this victim who is treated “more unfairly than anyone in SCW history” serves as motivation for him. Ricky has been on a hot streak since Lucy brought on attorney Rudy Powell. Other than stuffing his face with subpar “Italian” food and sweating out a river onto various surfaces, Rudy hasn’t really done anything at all for The Silent Majority. That much is clear to everyone besides the members of The Silent Majority. Be that as it may, Ricky’s success has coincided with Rudy Powell jumping on board, and The Silent Majority will surely see that correlation as meaningful rather than pure coincidence.


This upcoming week Ricky has yet another opponent who is basically half his size. Ricky shouldn’t have any issue defending the title against Crystal. He should be relieved he doesn’t have to compete with someone larger or more experienced. This should be as close to a sure thing as possible for Ricky. Of course, The Silent Majority won’t see it that way. Forget about the fact that Sasha is actually making things easier on Ricky than past champions. Nope, Ricky is once again being treated unfairly. The Silent Majority will surely find a way to spin this. It’s what they do. 



February 24th, 2021
Mall of America
Bloomington, Minnesota
15 minutes south of the Target Center, site of the February 25th edition of Breakdown


A crew of workers are finishing putting together the stage for what appears to be another Emergency Ratings Update/Press Conference in the Rotunda area of the Mall of America. This appears to be the most elaborate setup yet from The Silent Majority. In addition to the usual stage, American flags, TSM podium, and red, white, and blue pipe and drape, there are hundreds of red, white, and blue balloons with various messages written on them. Messages include “The Silent Majority”, “Champion of Television”, and “Impeach Shady Sasha”. There are also large 4K television screens on either side of the stage. The screens are displaying a slideshow of various “highlights” from Ricky James matches and Emergency Press Conferences. There appears to be as many photos of Lucy talking at the podium as there are of Ricky actually wrestling.


LHS: How are we looking, Kellyanne?


Lucy Huckabee Sanders stands in the middle of the rotunda, looking up at the stage and holding the SCW Television Championship over her shoulder. The belt is completely covered in American Flag stickers, including both the main and side plates of the title. Kellyanne, who had been directing traffic on stage, turns to Lucy and smiles.


Kellyanne: We’re looking great, Lucy! Isn’t it beautiful?


Kellyanne looks around at the setup, which definitely looks infinitely better than any other press conference setup The Silent Majority has had. Lucy actually smiles and nods her head.


LHS: It actually is, Kellyanne. It’s truly beautiful. I’m proud of you. How did you pull this off?


Kellyanne: Well, I couldn’t have pulled it off without my sisters.


Kellyanne turns and yells out to two other blonde women who are working on tying balloons to the stage.


Kellyanne: Girls! Come over here!


The two blonde women immediately hurry over to the front of the stage. Kellyanne introduces the women to Lucy.


Kellyanne: Lucy, I’d like you to meet my two baby sisters, Kelly and Kayleigh. 


Kelly, who looks slightly younger than Kellyanne, and Kayleigh, who looks much younger, both smile and wave at Lucy.


LHS: Wait so...you’re Kellyanne and your sister is Kelly?


The three sisters chuckle.


Kellyanne: Yes, we get asked that a lot. I always joke that my name is extra long because I’m extra special. I was the first after all.


Kellyanne laughs, Kelly rolls her eyes, and Kayleigh just stares blankly off into the distance. Lucy points to the three women one at a time as she recites their names.


LHS: Kellyanne, Kelly, Kayleigh. Got it. KKK.


Kellyanne laughs again.


Kellyanne: Exactly! You know, a lot of people call us KKK for short. At first I didn’t like it, but I think it has a nice ring to it.


LHS: I agree.


Ricky James emerges from a mall restroom and walks over to Lucy.


LHS: Ricky, did you meet KKK?


Ricky: Excuse me?


LHS: Kellyanne and her sisters, Kelly and Kayleigh…


KKK wave at Ricky. Kelly whispers something into Kayleigh’s ear and the two chuckle. Kayleigh starts adjusting her hair and winks at Ricky. Ricky awkwardly smiles and nods.


Ricky: So, are Kelly and Kayleigh joining our team?


Lucy looks around again at the elaborate setup and smiles.


LHS: I believe so, Ricky. I think KKK are really going to help us get our message across.


Ricky looks at Lucy and then back at the girls before flashing a huge grin.


Ricky: Well I trust Lucy more than anyone, so KKK, welcome to The Silent Majority!


Kelly and Kayleigh scream like little girls and clap. Kellyanne smiles and pats them both on the shoulders.


Kellyanne: You’re in, girls.


The girls celebrate together with a group hug. Lucy and Ricky look on with smiles like proud parents. After a few moments, Lucy claps her hands.


LHS: Okay girls, back to work! We’ll be going on very soon!


The girls quickly break their hug and scramble back to their respective working positions. Lucy begins looking around like she is looking for someone.


Ricky: What’s up, Luce?


LHS: Where the hell is Rudy? He said he’d be here by now…


Lucy, who is wearing a watch, pulls out her cell phone to check the time. 


Ricky: I’m sure he’s just running a little behind, he’s a “big important lawyer” afterall. 


Ricky mockingly says this, which does not amuse Lucy.


LHS: Everything has gone right for us since we brought him on board and you know it, Ric.


Ricky rolls his eyes.


LHS: He is a part of this team, and the sooner you embrace that, the better it will be for all of us.


Ricky: Well excuse me for being a little skeptical, Luce. I thought this guy was going to get these matches thrown out, yet here I am having to defend my...our title week after week. 


LHS: Litigation takes time, Ric. You just keep doing what you’re doing. If anyone ever screws us over in the ring, we can have the match thrown out. I think Shady Sasha is afraid of litigation and that is why she’s actually given us some unbiased referees. I’ll keep an eye out on that, though. You just focus on Crystal this week.


Ricky: She’s like ninety pounds soaking wet, Luce. I think I’ll be fine…


LHS: Well she’s part Mexican. You of all people should know to watch out for those people.


Ricky again rolls his eyes and shakes his head. Rudy Powell finally enters the Rotunda, power walking in wearing the same suit we have seen him wear for weeks and holding a massive Auntie Anne’s pretzel in one hand, a Mountain Dew in the other. Rudy smiles as he sees Ricky and Lucy. He puts his soda down on a nearby trashcan and begins stuffing his face with the pretzel. He doesn’t let his chewing stop him from talking.


RP: Sorry guys. *Chewing sounds* Got caught up in a long line. *Chewing sounds* Had to grab a quick bite, it’s hard to get good meals when I’m on the road.


LHS: I can imagine…


Lucy is interrupted by the sound of Rudy slurping his Mountain Dew. He finishes it in one long sip and tosses it in the trash can. He lets out a long “Ahhhhhhh”. Ricky is completely repulsed and shows it on his face. Lucy doesn’t acknowledge any of this as she just continues on.


LHS: So, do you have updated reports, Rudy? And not notes scribbled on the report from two weeks ago….


Rudy rifles through his jacket pocket before pulling out a handful of damp papers. He attempts to hand them to Lucy, but Lucy puts her hand up and takes a step back.


LHS: It’s okay, I don’t need them. I just wanted to make sure you had them for when we go on…


RP: Oh of course, Lucy. And I apologize for last week. I had some issues printing. But rest assured, you guys were the most highly viewed segment once again. And last week? EVEN BETTER, Lucy.


Rudy grins. Lucy cracks a smile and nods. Ricky just continues to shake his head in disbelief.


LHS: And the lawsuits? The match this week?


RP: Being held under protest once again, ma’am.


Rudy winks at Lucy. This annoys Ricky, who begins to take a step toward Rudy, but Lucy quickly catches on and gives Ricky a quick elbow, pushing him back. 


LHS: Excellent. Well it looks like we have almost everything in order. Rudy, can you head over to the stage and check in with KKK?


RP: KKK? You didn’t tell me my boys were here!


LHS: No Rudy, it’s the girls, actually. Kellyanne and her sisters. They should almost be ready, but can you see if they need anything?


RP: Oh, sisters you say?


Rudy looks up at the stage and sees Kellyanne, Kelly, and Kayleigh wrapping up the decorations. He weirdly licks his teeth and chuckles.


RP: Oh I love me some blondes...I’ll check in with them.


Lucy completely ignores Rudy’s predatory behavior as he makes his way towards the stage. Lucy pulls Ricky off to the side, grabbing him by the arm and bringing him over to a secluded area in the hall by the bathroom Ricky came from.


LHS: Oh by the way, RIC….


Lucy, having been unusually cheerful all day, suddenly looks extremely frustrated as she scolds Ricky.


LHS: Maria found that little note you left in the gym at my house…


Ricky: Maria? Impossible. I knocked her lights out on Breakdown…


LHS: Not THAT Maria, idiot. MY Maria.


Ricky: Oh yeah, the maid…


LHS: She doesn’t miss anything, Ric. Did you think you were clever with that note, huh?


Ricky puts his hands up, defensively.


Ricky: Lucy, look. I’m an important man in your life, he’s an important man in your life. I just figured we should meet each other and if you refuse to facilitate that, I figured I co..


Lucy turns bright red.


LHS: Ricky, you will NEVER meet him, okay? I don’t want to get into how bad of an idea that is. You just have to trust me. 


Ricky tries to look away but Lucy grabs Ricky’s head and forces him to look her in the eye.


LHS: Things will not end well if you keep trying this. Understand? You just have to TRUST me. You trust me, don’t you?


Ricky sighs and nods his head.


Ricky: I don’t understand why I can’t meet him, but yes, I trust you. I won’t try to pull anything like that again….


LHS: Good. Now let’s get ready. This is our biggest press conference yet.



---------------------------------------------


The stage is finally set at the Mall of America Rotunda. Five rows of chairs are placed in front of the stage, about half of which are filled with TSM crew members. Kelly and Kayleigh sit front row and center. The lighting on the stage dims and Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the U.S.A.” plays through the speakers as Kellyanne walks out from behind the pipe and drape curtains onto the stage and up to the podium. Kellyanne waves to the crowd, which is mostly just TSM crew members and a few random mall shoppers who are intrigued by the elaborate setup. The music slowly fades out and Kellyanne addresses the small crowd.


Kellyanne: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to MALL OF AMERICA for a special appearance from your American heroes, THE SILENT MAJORITY!


Kelly and Kayleigh, much like their older sister would, begin cheering loudly, which encourages additional applause from the crew members. The shoppers look around in confusion before slowly joining in on the applause.


Kellyanne: I am going to waste NO time as we have a lot to get to this afternoon. Without further ado, please welcome Rudy Powell, your Official Press Secretary of SCW, Lucy Huckabee Sanders, and your SCW Champion of Television, Ricky James, THE SILENT MAJORITY!


“Real American” plays through the speakers as Ricky, Lucy, and Rudy make their way up onto the stage. Kellyanne walks off and heads down to take a seat next to her sisters in the front row. Lucy and Ricky walk to the podium as Rudy stands and waves to essentially nobody. The microphone picks up Lucy loudly whispering “RUDY!” Flustered, Rudy turns and scurries over to the podium. Lucy, holding the SCW TV title over her shoulder, begins.


LHS: Ladies and gentlemen, today we have a very, very special EMERGENCY RATINGS REPORT! This will be a bit different today, as we have a few surprises for all of you. I’d like to quickly turn things over to The Silent Majority’s legal counsel, the honorable Rudy Powell, who will be providing this week’s ratings report as well as some other extremely important updates. Rudy?


Lucy steps back as Rudy Powell takes the podium. He reaches deep into his jacket pocket and pulls out the damp paperwork. He then pulls out his trademark handkerchief and wipes his forehead. He flashes a grin to the audience and begins.


RP: What a day, huh? And what a beautiful stage this is. You’ve gotta give it up for this team we have here, give it up for ‘em!


Kellyanne, Kelly, and Kayleigh begin applauding themselves. The other crew members join in soon after.


RP: Today we welcome our two newest members to The Silent Majority, Ms. Kelly and Ms. Kayleigh! The Silent Majority now has the full support of KKK!


The sisters cheer loudly. The mall shoppers who have no idea what is going on all look completely appalled. A few of them quickly walk away from the scene.


RP: And I have to tell you folks, SCW love The Silent Majority as much as I love me some KKK. 


Rudy winks at the sisters.


RP: Would you guys be so kind as to put up the Ratings Report please?


Rudy turns his attention to one of the television screens on the side of the stage. “SCW Ratings Report February 18th, 2021” appears on the screen.


RP: Next slide, please.


The screens turn over to the next slide, which shows a line chart incredibly similar to the previous charts. Rudy walks over to the side of the stage, almost falling off the stage completely before catching himself. He points to the screen and begins speaking, but he quickly realizes no one can hear him, as he had walked away from the microphone. He chuckles to himself and walks back over to the podium.


RP: As you can see on this chart, SCW Breakdown ratings hit an ALL-TIME HIGH this week when Ricky James pinned criminal Maria Sharapova to retain the Championship of Television for The Silent Majority. People then decided to change the channel after Shady Sasha paraded out her communist buddies in the Socialist Showcase for the SCW World Title.


The sisters begin booing loudly.


RP: In fact, in the same night we hit all-time high ratings, SCW also hit an ALL-TIME LOW rating the second Stalina Frost stepped into the ring and began pushing her Communist Agenda on the SCW audience.


The sisters continue to boo.


RP: People, this is getting out of hand. We cannot continue to let people like Stalina Frost poison the minds of young Americans watching SCW at home. But rest assured, this stops now. Guys, please put up the poster.


The following image is displayed on the television screens on the sides of the stage:



RP: As you can see, we are offering a $1000 award for the capture of Stalina Frost, Soviet spy. Please visit my website, www.RPTSM.com, for more details. 



The sisters begin taking this information down on their phones, as if they didn’t already know this was happening.


RP: I’d like to finish off….


Rudy stops and winks at the sisters. Kellyanne blushes.


RP: By letting you all know that the unconstitutional SCW Championship of Television match this week will once again be held UNDER PROTEST. If there is any funny business at all, I’ll have the match thrown out and Shady Sasha will be up to her chest in lawsuits. That, my friends, is a Rudy Powell guarantee.


Rudy again winks at the crowd. 


RP: Now ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our SCW Champion of Television, Ricky James!


The sisters and crew members give Ricky James a standing ovation as he takes the podium. Ricky reaches underneath the podium and pulls out a Clorox wipe, which he uses to sanitize the Powell-infected surface. He shakes his head before looking up at the crowd and smiling.


Ricky: Well, what can I say? Here I stand before you all, my great fellow Americans, in the Mall of America, the greatest mall in the world, still YOUR Champion of Television. As I said before, I am a fighting champion. This past week I did what Shady Sasha and the authorities refused to do - I took out Maria Mussolini and shipped her back to Italy!


The TSM plants cheer loudly. A few additional shoppers who were not around for Rudy Powell’s ridiculous comments have taken seats in the back.


Ricky: I wish I could say Maria was a worthy challenger, but she was not. Neither was Fool’s Gold or Kelsai Antifa-Mason. And speaking of unworthy challengers, I have yet another one this week in Crystal Meth Zdunivichsky-Korsakov, which is her real full name, by the way. Shady Sasha has stayed consistent with awarding people title opportunities for absolutely no reason whatsoever. She likes to give handouts to her favorite types of people - and Crystal fits both categories - Communist AND Drug addict.


The sisters again begin to boo loudly. The mall shoppers who have taken a seat in the crowd just look around confused.


Ricky: You see, Crystal claims to be part Mexican, but we know this is simply not true. She is quite clearly a Russian posing as a biracial Mexican. Perhaps she truly thinks she is Mexican because of the drug use. I hear drugs can alter your mind like that, but I of course would not be able to speak from any experience there. Whatever the case, we all know Ms. Meth is yet another lazy left-wing burnout who hasn’t earned a single thing in her life. Perhaps she is trying to follow in the footsteps of Ashtray Hayes, who as we all know was the Fake News Television Champion for a short period of time before we had that “match” stricken from the record books. 


Rudy Powell can be heard yelling “DAMN RIGHT!” in the background.


Ricky: Fortunately it has been a few weeks since we have had to challenge the result of a phony match. Shady Sasha continues to treat me very unfairly, but week after week, I have been able to overcome the odds. Two weeks ago I easily defeated Fool’s Gold despite a slow-counting referee who continuously allowed Fool’s Gold to cheat. Last week I had to face a literal criminal. This week I get a criminal AND Communist…..well, all Commies are criminals, so I suppose that is a given. Regardless, the odds have yet again been stacked against me. I hate to sound like a broken record here, ladies and gentlemen, but I will continue to fight against Shady Sasha’s unfair treatment. I will take care of business in the ring yet once again. If for some insane reason I cannot overcome the rigged officiating, we will beat Shady Sasha and Commie Crystal in the courtroom.


The sisters begin to cheer loudly again.


Ricky: Ladies and gentlemen, your American heroes The Silent Majority will not stop fighting. Shady Sasha has launched two wars - the New Cold War and the New War on Drugs. Lucy Huckabee Sanders, Rudy Powell, KKK, and myself will rid the SCW of all socialists and drug addicts. We will make the SCW great again. I will continue to serve as your Champion of Television, saving the SCW from a communist takeover and saving the SCW from a complete ratings plummet. These are all not just promises, folks. These are GUARANTEES. 


Ricky slams his fist down on the podium, a familiar sight during these press conferences.


Ricky: Adonis the Adulterer. Bolshevik Blake. Kelsai Antifa-Mason. Fool’s Gold. Maria Mussolini. All criminals, drug addicts, and worst of all, socialists. They have all stood in freedom’s way, but freedom has prevailed every time. This week will be no different. The Silent Majority will walk out of Minneapolis STILL your Champion of Television, foiling yet another Shady Sasha plot.


Ricky puts his fist up in the air and Lucy holds up the American flag-covered SCW TV Title as Kellyanne, Kelly, and Kayleigh give another standing ovation. Lucy steps forward to the podium, still holding the title up in the air.


LHS: Ladies and gentlemen, fellow Americans, thank you for your time today. With Rudy Powell and Ricky James, I am Lucy Huckabee Sanders, Official Press Secretary of SCW. WE are your SCW CHAMPION OF TELEVISION. We are. The Silent Majority. For a better SCW.


Rudy steps in between Lucy and Ricky and holds both of their arms up as “Real American” plays through the speakers. The sisters continue clapping as people make their way out of the Rotunda.