11-07-2018, 11:05 AM
11 months ago, Derek Adonis shocked the world!
He (Derek Adonis) turns, and Stacy (Kissinger, current (at the time) SCW Television Champion) has gotten up and a few feet away. She lands a dropkick that leaves Adonis slumping in the corner instead. Stacy gets up on the middle rope and throws some rights and lefts. Adonis covers up, but then drops to his ass and crawls out from under Stacy between her legs, a grin on his face despite the pain from her attacks. Stacy hops down as Derek gets to his feet. Stacy turns and Adonis runs at her again, this time smushing Stacy into the corner with the Kablam! The crowd loses it as Stacy slumps down. Adonis quickly grabs her arm and drags her to the middle of the ring, then hooks a leg for the cover.
1!
2!
3!
Stacy kicks out a second too late. The bell rings and Adonis hops to his feet much quicker than one might expect for a man of his size. His music plays and we see Cookie and Manvel running down the ramp excitedly.
Phillips: “Here is your winner and neeeeeewwwww SCW Television Champion.... Derek Adonis!”
Stacy beats the mat with her fist and rolls towards the apron just as Cookie and Manvel slide in. The referee hands Adonis the title belt. He looks down at it with a huge smile, then turns to Cookie and Manvel, showing it off to them. Cookie jumps up and down ecclesiastically and Manvel claps Derek on the back. Derek Adonis then holds the belt by both hands and raises it over head, the plate facing out, shouting as he does.
Adonis: “KABLAAAMM!!”
Sharper: “Oh my Lord.... Derek Adonis is your new Television Champion.”
The reaction to this moment – the most shocking in SCW in quite some time – was predictably mixed. Fans loved it…
Male Fan: “Man Mountain, man! KABLAM!”
Female Fan: “Does this make him sexy now? I’m so confused.”
The reaction among the locker-room was anything BUT positive.
@TotalWarOBrian - Derek Adonis of all people is the SCW Television Champion. And people decry me for being nihilistic?
@abigaillindsay_ – First sign of the apocalypse?
@TotalWarOBrian – SCW's apocalypse, at least. I'm not sure which is a worse scandal; dirty money laundering of UWA or Derek Adonis's TV Title reign in SCW.
@abigaillindsay_ - Adonis becoming Television Champion. UWA was always an organization that couldn't escape chaos, doesn't surprise me the fall of the company was due to money laundering.
The insults didn’t stop there, but at the risk of hurting the feelings of the Lady’s Man’s Man, we are going to stop recounting beyond that one hurtful conversation. Regardless, Derek Adonis reigned as Television Champion for an improbable 21 days, bringing his reign out of 2017 and making him the first Television Champion of 2018. He even had a successful defense of the belt, as he faced his… ugh… “bestie” Manvel for the Championship, a match that resulted in a draw as both men pinned each other, allowing Adonis to retain the Championship.
One week later, he would lose his Championship to Torsten Voigt. But in that time, his profile has grown tremendously – a shock to anyone who would have thought about Derek Adonis prior to his Television Championship reign. With the burgeoning success of the KABLAMASUTRA prior to and following his win, the institution of the KABLAMAEROBICS fitness program, and the newly-introduced KABLAMINDER application (available NOW in your Goggle Play and Pomme App stores), it’s a wonder that Man Mountain has become among the most beloved of SCW superstars. I guess there is merit to the “loveable loser” trope.
Regardless, we’re now 10 months removed from the END of Adonis’ reign, and while he spent time away filming KABLAMASUTRA: The TV Series (airing now), the fans of SCW has kept it going. What have they kept going?
KABLAM-a-MANIA, BROTHER!
~~~~~~~~~~~
The arena is still buzzing from what they just saw, but what we see now does not make regular SCW cameras. Derek Adonis makes it into the backstage area following his victory over Billy Breakdown in a match billed – at least by Adonis – as the DREAM MATCH OF THE CENTURY, earning himself a shot at the Television Champion, whomever that may be. There were two options: Josh Hudson, the current Champion whose demeanor intimidates Adonis, and Konrad Raab, who is one of the most popular figures in the locker-rooms. But Adonis didn’t let his thoughts get ahead of him. Instead, the “KABLAMICAN Dweem” looks around and finds SCW’s web reporter, Abby Hudson, looking over her own notes for the show. Derek, however, in a celebratory manner, moves over to her.
Adonis: “Did you see that out there? Did you SEE!?”
Hudson looks up, almost shocked at the sudden appearance of the sweaty man and “Baby Doll” Dreams, standing sandwiching her on either side.
Hudson: “Um… yeah! Congratulations.”
Adonis: “Thank you, Abby. Thank you.”
He looks her over a bit.
Adonis: “You know, you look like you could pull off the Internet Tornado costume I saw. There’s arm tassels, boot tassels… who doesn’t love tassels!?”
Hudson: “Yeah, that’s great. I actually have some work to do…”
Derek turns to face a camera that isn’t there, continuing with his “promo”.
Adonis: “First of all, I would to thank the many, many fans throughout this country that bought copies of the KABLAMSUTRA from Derek Adonis, The KABLAMICAN Dweem, while I was down.”
Abby looks around, confused.
Hudson: “Who are you talking to?”
Adonis: “The people…”
Hudson: “There’s no camera here. No one can hear you. Don’t you think, since Breakdown is still on the air, this would be televised?”
Derek stares blankly, almost glancing over to Cookie… er… Baby Doll for help. She doesn’t know what to do, and shakes her head in a frantic way, almost asking for help herself. Derek adjusts…
Adonis: “I’m just so excited, Tornado.”
Hudson: “Not my name.”
Adonis: “It could be. I’m just so excited that I have a chance to AGAIN become the Champion of Television! And I’m so excited, I’m gonna be your huckleberry all night long!”
Hudson: “Ew.”
Cookie: “Yay! Great save!”
Adonis: “Thanks, Baby Doll! See, I have wined and dined with kings and queens and I’ve slept in alleys and dined on pork and beans.”
Cookie again chimes in.
Cookie: “And that last part was just tonight!”
Adonis: “That’s right, Baby Doll. I love me some PnB.”
Hudson: “Is that what that is?”
Adonis: “Is that what what is?”
He looks to Abby, who looks like she smelled something.
Adonis: “Oh… a fart joke. I get it.”
Hudson: “It’s no joke, Derek…”
Then, Adonis smells it and gags a bit.
Adonis: “A fart gag?”
Cookie laughs, which brings a smile to Derek’s face. Derek then remembers why he was in this scene to begin with.
Adonis: “I get a shot to be Champion of Television again! KABLAM!”
He goes to kiss first Cookie, who reciprocates, then Abby, who dodges.
Hudson: “No thanks. I’m just fine…”
Adonis: “Your loss. Come on, Baby Doll… let’s go celebrate!”
The KABLAMICAN Dweem and Baby Doll Dreams exit the scene, leaving Abby bewildered and looking… intrigued? Well, this is an interesting turn of events…
~~~~~~~~~~~
Later that night, Derek Adonis would learn that his opponent for the Television Championship would be Konrad Raab, who many would say upset the now-former Champion for the strap, especially on a night where Josh Hudson declared his intention to use his Trios contract, which he earned back in February, to challenge Sienna Swann for the SCW World Championship. As we previously noted, Hudson’s general demeanor intimidated Man Mountain, so he was rather relieved that he wouldn’t have to face him. But he knew Konrad Raab, who had hungered for a Championship and had the desire to be a fighting Champion, wouldn’t be a pushover. That was okay, though. Adonis didn’t want a pushover.
Beyond that story, however, was the continuing saga of Derek Adonis and his baby-mama, the ironically named Chastity Rose, and his son, Ulysses Superman (SUCH a cool name). After his court case went through and his paternity was confirmed, Derek was left with another thought: How many other seeds had he sown throughout his years? Were there little Adonises… Adoni? I don’t know. But were there others out there? And if so, how many? Did he have enough to have his own personal security force? His own hockey team? Baseball team? Football team?
It was possible that this was on his mind. Also, Derek had to worry about managing his KABLAMpire. We were currently on the fifth printing of the KABLAMASUTRA, the book that started it all. KABLAMSUTRA 2: Electric KABLAMaloo was currently in the scripting phase. He had just been renewed for season 2 of KABLAMASUTRA: The TV Series (a shocking thing considering Derek himself stars in it and participates in the “action”). KABLAMaerobics was spreading as the latest fitness sensation. And KABLAMinder had just launched. You never know what else was coming down the pipes… but Derek was sure to follow in the footsteps of Gene Simmons, trademarking his catch-phrase and life philosophy for anything he can. Just wait until KABLAMdoms are released. You can see the face of Derek Adonis every time you reach for a condom. How’s THAT for marketing genius?
Maybe that one’s a bit much…
~~~~~~~~~~~
The scene rises up to the crackling of a fire. In the distance, sounds of intense pleasure can be heard, though not immediately identified. We pan around, taking a look at the room, where we see various signed photos of insanely attractive women hanging in lieu of family photos or accomplishments. A tipped over bottle of wine and some shed clothes are strewn about between the table at the centre of our scene and what we can only assume, given the circumstances, is the bedroom. The red wine had spilled out enough that there was bound to be a stain. Have you ever tried to get red wine out of a carpet? Damn near IMPOSSIBLE. The sounds of pleasure grow more and more intense. Then, we see Derek Adonis sitting at the table, clad in only a loose-fitting housecoat, reading the KABLAMasutra with a mug of something set on the table beside him, his other hand unseen. We assume the mug has a low level of coffee, with the absence of steam from the top of it, but can’t know for sure. His laptop sits open beside him, a pornographic video playing on it, matching the intense pleasure from the other room, almost leading one to believe that the video is the celebration rather than whatever is going on. As Derek sits, a Scope video call request comes through. Derek reaches up and grabs his mouse with his previously-unseen hand, pausing the video and stopping the sounds throughout the scene (confirming what we had just thought) and answers the call, seeing a red-headed (and red-bearded) man on the other side of his screen.
Adonis: “Jeff-rey?”
Derek appears bewildered. His former man-servant/employee had been unheard from since he went on a journey of self-discovery never-before documented by our cameras. Seriously, it was some sort of “I need to find myself” type thing that Derek didn’t understand. Truthfully, when Jeff-rey gave his notice of resignation, Derek only listened to half of it. The shock of losing a close confidante – even one as persistent and pestering as Jeff-rey had been known to be – was enough to shock anyone, and Derek was also trying to set up the webcam he had installed in the honeymoon suite of his wedding chapel. Oh, don’t worry – that’s completely legal. The honeymoon suite allows couples to record their big (KABLAM!) day. But still, seeing Jeff-rey, now bearded and looking healthy, on the other side of his computer took Derek by surprise.
Jeff-rey: “Hello, Derek.”
Adonis: “Jeff-rey… I haven’t heard from you since…”
Derek tried to remember when it had last been, but the time escapes him. Jeff-rey, however, nods his head.
Jeff-rey: “It’s been 379 days, 21 hours, 19 minutes, and 44 seconds… 45… 46…”
Adonis: “Okay, okay… I get it.”
Derek squares up, looking at the webcam as Jeff-rey looks away.
Adonis: “What would you like, Jeff-rey?”
Jeff-rey: “Could you… um…”
Jeff-rey motions for Derek’s housecoat, which had stayed open (and even opened more so when he turned) during the conversation. Jeff-rey, not wanting to “see that”, turned away. Derek looks down, noticing that he was fully exposed. Shrugging his shoulders, he pulls his robe together.
Adonis: “I guess so.”
Derek appeared inconvenienced, even annoyed, by the request to cover his “shame”. Of course, Derek was not ashamed of his body. He was proud of his temple that had been only enhanced since the institution and practice of KABLAMaerobics.
Jeff-rey: “I saw you on the television the other day and wanted to reach out.”
Adonis: “Oh, did you see my tremendous victory in the DREAM MATCH OF THE CENTURY!?”
Jeff-rey: “No, I…”
Adonis: “Because I now have a claim to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Championship of the World now because of it.”
Jeff-rey: “Mr. Adonis, that’s not…”
Adonis: “Or do you mean my latest commercial for KABLAMinder?”
Jeff-rey hangs his head.
Jeff-rey: “It was your TV show.”
Adonis: “Oh.”
Derek takes a moment to think about it. He had been on and around TV shows for so long that specifying it down to a specific show was…
Adonis: “KABLAMASUTRA: The TV Series?”
…actually pretty easy. Jeff-rey’s face grows as red as the hair upon his head.
Jeff-rey: “I’m ashamed.”
Adonis: “Don’t be. People LOVE seeing Man Mountain in all his glory. That’s part of the appeal of the show… well, secondary to all the lovely ladies that come on to come on… ehh?”
Jeff-rey: “What?”
Adonis: “Get it? They come on to come on? EHHHHHH??”
Derek tries to force Jeff-rey to “get it”, but to no avail. He doesn’t. He won’t.
Jeff-rey: “That’s not it, Mr. Adonis. Quite frankly, I’d seen enough when I worked for you.”
Adonis: “Oh yeah. Remember the time you walked in on me and that one that looked underage though her ID said she was legal?”
Jeff-rey: “The time? That happened at least 7 times during my employment.”
Adonis: “Heh heh… yeah. Anyway, we have a kid now.”
Jeff-rey does a double-take.
Jeff-rey: “Come again?”
Adonis: “Nope. Just the once. Apparently, that’s all it takes.”
Jeff-rey: “Huh… anyway, that’s not why I was ashamed. I’m ashamed because, when I quit, it was because you were taking more and more advice from Cookie Dreams and Manvel than you were me. I though the KABLAMASUTRA would sink like a lead balloon, but here you are with a bestseller and a TV show.”
Adonis: “And a fitness program.”
Jeff-rey: “And a fitness program?”
Adonis: “And an app.”
Jeff-rey: “And an app? Look… the point is that I was wrong to doubt you, and I’m sorry.”
Derek finally clues in…
Adonis: “Wait. Hold on. Back up here. Give me a minute.”
Jeff-rey: “Okay…?”
Adonis: “You quit?”
Jeff-rey: “Yyyyyes?”
Adonis: “Then who have I been writing all those checks to?”
Jeff-rey shakes his head.
Jeff-rey: “I don’t know. But I just wanted to apologize for doubting you, and let you know that I’m very proud of you. Here I thought all you were interested in was sex with random women and…”
Jeff-rey’s eyes widen as Cookie Dreams steps into the scene behind Derek, dressed in lingerie approximately two-sizes too small. Clearly not Jeff-rey’s interest, but it’s hard not to stop in your tracks upon such an image.
Jeff-rey: “Is… is that…”
Adonis: “Yeah… the ol’ ball and chain if you know what I mean.”
Jeff-rey: “You… married her?”
Derek shrugs as though it isn’t a big deal. Of course, given their respective proclivities and the resulting openness of their marriage, it really wasn’t such a big deal to Derek. It wasn’t like Cookie was tying him down and not letting him sow his wild oats, and Derek was okay with her being sown as well. Still, as Derek sits in front of the computer, Cookie walks over.
Cookie: “Oh, is THIS why the video in the bedroom was paused?”
Adonis: “Yeah… it’s Jeff-rey! Remember him?”
Cookie: “Looking cute, Jeff-rey.”
Jeff-rey tries to look away while simultaneously remaining polite.
Jeff-rey: “Thanks. You look… as scantily-clad as ever.”
Cookie: “That’s so sweet!”
Cookie stands over Derek, running her hands down his chest in his housecoat.
Adonis: “Jeff-rey was just telling me how impressed he was with how the KABLAMpire was growing.”
Her hands go lower as she sinks towards his back.
Adonis: “And that’s not the ONLY thing that’s going to be growing IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.”
Jeff-rey: “Please stop.”
Cookie looks back to the webcam, realizing that Jeff-rey was growing more uncomfortable with what he was witnessing. She stands up and waves to the computer.
Cookie: “Sorry Jeff-rey! Maybe next time.”
She leans back to Derek’s ear…
Cookie: “I’ll be waiting.”
Cookie turns and exits the scene, with Derek staring after her. A bit of drool forms in the corner of his mouth, followed by more drool. He audibly slurps the drool back into his mouth and turns back to the computer.
Jeff-rey: “Not again…”
Derek looks down, having to pull his housecoat closed again.
Adonis: “So, yeah. Things are pretty great here and…”
Derek obviously has pull away from the table where he sits. Jeff-rey, noticing this, rolls his eyes.
Jeff-rey: “You want to chase her?”
Adonis: “I do.”
Jeff-rey: “Then just go… we’ll chat another time.”
Adonis: “Thank you.”
Without another word, Derek closes the chat window and hits play on the video. Opening his housecoat and looking down, Derek smiles.
Adonis: “KABLAM!”
Then, he turns towards the bedroom himself…
Adonis: “Oh Cookie… here comes MAN MOUNTAIN!”
He rushes off in the direction of the bedroom, and the scene mercifully cuts away before we hear any of Adonis’ sounds of pleasure.
~~~~~~~~~~~
But, just while things appear to be amazing for Derek Adonis’ personal life, between a marriage that actually works for him (fifth time’s a charm?) and a burgeoning professional life, there is still a few things that don’t necessarily work in his favour. Enter September Mills. September is a representative of a vaunted television network in Canada, and her involvement in the wrestling industry before has been well-documented and mixed at best. She was responsible for giving a wrestler a guaranteed money deal, adding to the pot for a company to sign him and sticking the network with the remainder of his contract when that company folded anyway, so she was always pensive when it came to working with wrestlers. Derek Adonis, of course, was no ordinary wrestler, something she made clear to her superiors as often as she could.
Still, she wasn’t sure what to expect when entering into meetings pertaining to KABLAMASUTRA: The TV Series season 2…
~~~~~~~~~~~
Mills: “It’s filth.”
September Mills, the pant-suited executive of County-TV in Canada, wasn’t shy about voicing her objections to the content of… anything, really. She was a staunch crusader for ratings and the sponsorship dollars that came with them. But more than that, she wanted what was decent to be on the air. Derek Adonis, the second person in this meeting, was quick to defend his vision and his work.
Adonis: “Its CLASSY filth.”
Okay, to a point. But it really was a point worth making. For Derek, the series was never going to be an X-rated romp. He had a professional career to worry about. There were children who watched SCW programming, and the fact that he had to sell the KABLAMASUTRA, with all it entails, only to people AFTER they produced valid ID was a push enough. Sure, there was merchandise for the kids – a stuffed Derek Adonis bear that said “KABLAM!” when you squeezed it’s stomach was his favourite, despite wanting it to say “KABLAM!” when you squeeze lower. “That’s not appropriate for children” he was told time and time again. But with his TV series, he had always been free to express his vision, with as much nudity as was allowed after midnight.
Mills: “It’s like fucking Baby Blue 2 all over again.”
This reference confused Derek.
Adonis: “Huh?”
Mills: “Baby Blue 2… it was a weekly softcore series on City…”
Adonis: “WHEN DO I WATCH THIS!?”
Derek almost rises out of his chair, but ends up disappointed…”
Mills: “You don’t anymore. It was cancelled years ago because of the filth that it aired. Which is why I’m opposed to any renewals to this Kama Sutra…”
Adonis: “That’s KABLAMasutra… thank you very much.”
Derek sits back looking kind of snooty. September rolls her eyes though, not seeing much different in a series based off the actual Kama Sutra, nor Derek Adonis’ “inspired reimagining” of it.
Mills: “Whatever.”
See? She’s completely dismissive of the differences in the KABLAMasutra. That’s just poor knowledge of the source material, is what it is. But because of that poor knowledge, Derek finds himself facing an uphill battle.
Adonis: “But the series has already been renewed for another season.”
Mills: “Against my wishes, believe me. If the decision were up to me, it would have been cancelled 15 minutes into the first episode.”
Derek laughs, remembering what happened at 15 minutes into the first episode.
Adonis: “That was a GREAT scene. That girl is a nursing student now, and was VERY thankful to have the chance to make some decent money for a day’s worth of work.”
Mills: “And what happened with the 23 hours and 58 minutes that DIDN’T make the series.”
Adonis: “Are you suggesting that I hold onto the footage that doesn’t make the show for my own personal gratification? Because they sign releases for that!”
September shakes her head. In her mind, everything Adonis is saying only reaffirms the beliefs she already held.
Mills: “See, that’s the problem with you. Everything you do is supposed to feed into your sick fetishes, yet you find ways to completely circumvent common sense and decency, but do so in ways that are actually somehow LEGAL.”
Derek shrugs his shoulders.
Adonis: “I have good lawyers?”
Mills: “I’ll say. But while I can’t cancel your show without the board of directors signing off… and apparently the board of directors actually like your filth, there is something I can do.”
Adonis: “What’s that?”
Mills: “I can cut your budget. Make it so you have to spend all of your money to keep a half-decent production value and can’t afford your special “guests”. See how many girls you can convince to appear without flashing cash in their faces.”
Adonis: “I will have you know that it’s not CASH that gets flashed in their faces. KABLAM!”
Mills: “Ugh… gross.”
Adonis: “You liked it.”
Mills: “Have you not heard a WORD I’ve said? I didn’t like it. That’s why…”
September catches herself pausing before she says too much to Derek, who seemed to have an answer for everything she said.
Mills: “You know what? I’m not getting into it with you. Your budget is cut. That’s all there is to it.”
Adonis: “Okay.”
This seemed to enrage September more than anything else.
Mills: “That’s it? “Okay”? You should be desperate. You should be PANICKING. You should be offering me any concession you can give me to refund your precious money. You should be…”
Adonis: “Sacrificing my integrity as an artist and the KABLAMperor?”
Mills: “What does that even mean?”
Adonis: “Leader of the KABLAMpire… duh.”
Mills: “Well, yes! That’s what you should be doing. Why are you just rolling over and taking it.”
Adonis: “First, I do some of my best work on my back… KABLAM!”
September nods.
Mills: “Should have expected that one.”
Adonis: “But mainly… I’m not exactly desperate for money. I own like… 3 wedding chapels in Las Vegas, the shotgun wedding capital of the world! I get residuals from the KABLAMASUTRA, it’s movie and TV series, KABLAMaerobics, and sponsorships purchased from KABLAMinder. I’m fine if I have to top up a budget. As long as I have a spot on TV, I can make this work.”
Mills: “You… you just… AHHHHHHHHH!!”
September screams right in Adonis’ face.
Mills: “You have got to be the most MADDENING man I have EVER met in my entire LIFE! You just won’t give up! You won’t take “no” for an answer.”
Adonis: “I made it this far.”
September sighs, shaking her head and sighing heavily.
Mills: “I don’t get it… I really don’t.”
Adonis: “Well… let me explain it to you.”
September looks up to Derek, a resigned look in her eyes as she moves to a nearby chair. That’s right… apparently there were chairs in the room the entire time, but September and Derek both chose to stand. Isn’t that strange. Anyway, we’re not going to be privy to Derek Adonis’ philosophy of living a KABLAM lifestyle today, as our scene takes this opportune moment to cut away.
~~~~~~~~~~~
[REC].
Derek Adonis found himself in familiar territory: Preparing for an SCW Television Championship… er… Championship of Television opportunity that he earned. Last time he had a shot, it was treated as a joke or, worse, an abomination… but this was a fact that Derek was privy to. He heard it all… he saw the tweets, even interacting with some. He knew that the idea of him being Television Champion was looked upon as devaluing the Championship itself. In the end, this was false. His nearly one-month long reign didn’t destroy the value of the Championship, but it enabled him to do something he always wanted to do…
This time, he stands in front of the camera completely clothed (sorry… or not. Depends on what you thought about his in-the-buff recording), clad in a very loud neon green suit with bright pink highlights, aping the colour scheme from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air titles. But, despite his flamboyant, over-the-top presentation, Adonis’ face is that of uncharacteristic seriousness.
Adonis: “I understand that to a lot of you, I’m a joke. I really do get it. I know that there are people who look at me when I go to the store or on TV in KABLAMASUTRA: The TV Series or in a wrestling arena and think my entire existence is to be a joke. You wonder how I could possibly do this… ‘rassling? That’s something for bodybuilders or super-hot models to do… the fitness types. And I heard the words of people who don’t believe...”
Derek Adonis begins to mock the words he’s heard, after all, they are the very same words that Man Mountain has heard time and time again.
Adonis: ““Look at that Derek Adonis… He thinks he’s a lady’s man? HAH! Look at him. No way any lady worth having would give HIM the time of day.””
He laughs, if only to suppress some tears brought on by the sting of your merciless doubt. Shame on you, reader. Shame.
Adonis: “I hear it all the time. People look at me and hear my confidence and my enthusiasm over the fairer sex and assume that, somehow, I strike out every time I try. You’ve SEEN my box of conquests, and assume that the list inside of it is either written in super-huge type or is written on fortune cookie paper. Well, it’s legitimate, but for the privacy of the women on it… and there are a LOT of them… I keep that information private. Only a select few can actually validate the large number of names documented. But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about. Not today. There will be PLENTY of time to talk about my list and my success with the ladies. I mean, you only need to look as far as the Missus to see just how successful Man Mountain truly is!”
He lets out a hearty “KABLAM”, which the narration here has opted to tell you about rather than directly quoting simply as a means to break up his speaking. But now that we’ve successfully done that, and drawn enough of a break to build your anticipation back up, we return to our subject du jour.
Adonis: “And you need only look at my previous recording to realize that Man Mountain truly is MOUNTAINOUS! Did you see all those pixels? If there was a factory that manufactured pixels to cover me up, it would have been working overtime for weeks to reach the necessary number. Just another way of saying that KABLAM SAVES LIVES!”
Okay, so he kind of got sidetracked, but maybe he’ll get back to the point.
Adonis: “But I want you to understand something… Derek Adonis… Man Mountain… KABLAM… I’m so much more than your typical, run-of-the-mill ‘rassler. I may not look the part. I may not dress the part. You may think my cardio is lacking - which, BTW, is not something I’ve EVER had complaints about from the ladies… IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! … what was I saying again?”
He has to think about it, after getting himself sidetracked bragging about his romantic conquests again.
Adonis: “Oh! Right! I may not look like the guys you push out on the CAW feature of the SCW vidgee game. I may not look like the guy you build in Frankenstein’s lab as “The Perfect Wrestler” in a “They call him blank” kind of way. But that doesn’t necessarily matter, because Derek Adonis is a BRAND onto himself! Look at it all. Look at SCW. Look at GCW. Look at EMERGE. You see a bunch of athletes competing, but how many of those are truly BRANDED? I, Derek Adonis, the KABLAMperor of the KABLAMpire… ooh…”
He plays with his tongue a little bit, strangely for sure, but leaving a sense that his self-deemed titles just twisted his tongue and felt weird.
Adonis: “Maybe leave that one on the cutting room floor.”
Adonis shakes his head.
Adonis: “Look, what I’m trying to say is that there are competitors and then there are personalities. While my wrestling record may not be the greatest, my stardom cannot be denied! I’m Man Mountain! Wherever I go, whatever I do, people notice me. You talk about “larger than life”, my personality is I am larger than larger than life! So it was always destined that I would eventually find my way back into the conversation to be SCW’s Champion of Television! After all, Derek Adonis is a HUGE TELEVISION STAR!”
Adonis throws his head up, clearly peacocking. It’s a little awkward, but he wears it well.
Adonis: “If you take the physicality out of the equation, there are wonders that I could do for the visibility and… yes… prestige of that Championship. After all, between the KABLAMasutra - the book, movie, AND TV series - between KABLAMaerobics, between KABLAMinder… I am one of the most visible businesses in the company. Why would having a Championship with that much visibility be a bad thing? Huh? Why? Answer me!”
Derek, again, gets sidetracked, this time trying to force an answer to his question out of no one in particular… you, actually. But since you’re not in the room with Adonis as he’s recording this match promotion, his questions and protests fall on deaf ears.
Adonis: “That’s right… it’s not bad. If anything, giving that kind of spotlight to the Championship… the type of spotlight that comes with a guy who’s able to get on Breakdown to perform KABLAMaerobics in front of tens of thousands of people in the arena, and MILLIONS watching worldwide on their televisions. That’s the type of visibility I can bring the Championship of Television. But of course, there’s always the physical side, and Man Mountain is not afraid of being physical… just ask Cookie.”
Adonis obnoxiously winks to the camera.
Adonis: “In fact, in preparation for my upcoming Championship match against Konrad Raab, a man who Man Mountain respects, I have been putting in extra effort to be ready! MAXIMUM effort, if you weeeell… er…”
He clears his throat.
Adonis: “... will. I know what Konrad Raab is going through because I, too, was in that position back in December of last year, after I just won the Championship of Television. I know the bundle of nerves that can knot your stomach up as you go into your first Championship defense, not knowing when the ride is going to end. I know how long you have fought and worked for this moment, because you’re one of the few on the SCW roster who is older than me. I know how much you wanted to be a Champion in SCW and you made it! You finally got there! You are the SCW Champion of Television! And you are ready to defend it against whoever wins their Champion qualifiers to face you! And in England at the O2 Arena, you’re going to do exactly that when you defend your newly-won title against a man who many looked at as not being a serious threat! You’re going to defend against Man Mountain, Derek Adonis! And Konrad, I wish you the best in your defense…”
He looks off camera, almost embarrassed that he maybe just wished his opponent the best of luck.
Adonis: “But… I’m going to push for better than that. For the opportunity to be a TWO-TIME SCW Champion of Television is just too alluring! Think about the doors this could open for SCW and me! For my KABLAMpire! I could finally get a timeslot on the Home Shopping Network to market all things KABLAM… the KABLAMasutra… KABLAMaerobics… even give live demonstrations of how KABLAMinder works! That’s where you and I differ, Konrad… to you, being Champion is enough. Being Champion validates you and the hard work you put in to be there. But to me, being Champion is only the beginning… it’s the first step of many steps taken to profit. But there’s something I want you to do, Konrad… close your eyes…”
Derek demonstrates how this is accomplished by closing his eyes.
Adonis: “Are they closed? Good… close your eyes and imagine. Imagine. Imagine. Imagine me defeating you.”
He opens his eyes again, looking into the camera with something akin to sincerity in his eyes.
Adonis: “I know that you’re not going to be happy. I know that you want to retain that Championship, but the nature of the Championship of Television means that you may not get what you want. I want you to know that I’m going to give you everything I have for the shiny prize, and losing it to me will carry no shame. It’s not personal… it’s businessy. And for everyone else, everyone who makes fun of me for my weight or condition, everyone who questions my virility with the ladies… I want you to really watch… because with Man Mountain as the Champion of Television, we’ll be entering into a new age… the Age of…”
He pauses briefly, soaking in the moment of no crowd interaction. He closes his eyes again, lifts chin and inhales deeply, before he lets out another hearty, forceful…
Adonis: “KABLAAAAAAM!”
With that, the recorded scene goes to black.
~~~~~~~~~~~
A pair of women’s feet can be seen protruding out from the end of some bedsheets. They’re folded together, almost as if the arch of one foot was being used to warm the top of the other, and they switch places semi-frequently. We move up from the feet because we’re not foot fetishists, moving up the feminine shape of the body under the covers. As we reach higher on the bed, we can see a slender arm out of the bed resting on the body. We move even higher still and see the shoulder, the neck and, finally, the sleeping face of September Mills. There’s no indication of clothing on her body as she begins to shift in place. As she moves, her eyes open and she rolls onto her back, rubbing her eyes.
Mills: “Ugh…”
Groaning, she looks around, seeing the walls where photos of scantily clad women hang on the walls… signed photos. This piques her attention and she rises from the bed, taking the sheet with her, wrapping it around her body as she goes. She walks over to the pictures…
Mills: “Why would someone keep these pictures in their bedroom?”
Looking at the pictures, she recognizes a picture… the nursing student that appeared on KABLAMASUTRA: The TV Series. Her eyes widen.
Mills: “No…”
She turns back to the bed and her eyes widen in horror as she sees the sleeping body of Derek Adonis. The horrifying realization sweeps over her as she begins to recall everything.
Derek explaining his confidence and persistence.
The move from the meeting room to a nearby restaurant for dinner. She ordered a salad. He ordered a steak. Medium-rare, she remembered. They had drinks… she drank wine, he drank whiskey sours.
They left the restaurant. Derek tried to get her a cab, but she didn’t want to go home alone. Derek offered her the couch. She accepted.
They went back to his place. Cookie was out, likely with Manvel. She and Derek talked… and talking led them to… no… led her to.
Mills: “What did I do?”
Derek rolls in his place, opening his eyes and seeing September standing in place, wrapped in his sheet.
Mills: “What did we do?”
Adonis: “Let me explain it to you.”
She nearly becomes sick. The scene fades.
He (Derek Adonis) turns, and Stacy (Kissinger, current (at the time) SCW Television Champion) has gotten up and a few feet away. She lands a dropkick that leaves Adonis slumping in the corner instead. Stacy gets up on the middle rope and throws some rights and lefts. Adonis covers up, but then drops to his ass and crawls out from under Stacy between her legs, a grin on his face despite the pain from her attacks. Stacy hops down as Derek gets to his feet. Stacy turns and Adonis runs at her again, this time smushing Stacy into the corner with the Kablam! The crowd loses it as Stacy slumps down. Adonis quickly grabs her arm and drags her to the middle of the ring, then hooks a leg for the cover.
1!
2!
3!
Stacy kicks out a second too late. The bell rings and Adonis hops to his feet much quicker than one might expect for a man of his size. His music plays and we see Cookie and Manvel running down the ramp excitedly.
Phillips: “Here is your winner and neeeeeewwwww SCW Television Champion.... Derek Adonis!”
Stacy beats the mat with her fist and rolls towards the apron just as Cookie and Manvel slide in. The referee hands Adonis the title belt. He looks down at it with a huge smile, then turns to Cookie and Manvel, showing it off to them. Cookie jumps up and down ecclesiastically and Manvel claps Derek on the back. Derek Adonis then holds the belt by both hands and raises it over head, the plate facing out, shouting as he does.
Adonis: “KABLAAAMM!!”
Sharper: “Oh my Lord.... Derek Adonis is your new Television Champion.”
The reaction to this moment – the most shocking in SCW in quite some time – was predictably mixed. Fans loved it…
Male Fan: “Man Mountain, man! KABLAM!”
Female Fan: “Does this make him sexy now? I’m so confused.”
The reaction among the locker-room was anything BUT positive.
@TotalWarOBrian - Derek Adonis of all people is the SCW Television Champion. And people decry me for being nihilistic?
@abigaillindsay_ – First sign of the apocalypse?
@TotalWarOBrian – SCW's apocalypse, at least. I'm not sure which is a worse scandal; dirty money laundering of UWA or Derek Adonis's TV Title reign in SCW.
@abigaillindsay_ - Adonis becoming Television Champion. UWA was always an organization that couldn't escape chaos, doesn't surprise me the fall of the company was due to money laundering.
The insults didn’t stop there, but at the risk of hurting the feelings of the Lady’s Man’s Man, we are going to stop recounting beyond that one hurtful conversation. Regardless, Derek Adonis reigned as Television Champion for an improbable 21 days, bringing his reign out of 2017 and making him the first Television Champion of 2018. He even had a successful defense of the belt, as he faced his… ugh… “bestie” Manvel for the Championship, a match that resulted in a draw as both men pinned each other, allowing Adonis to retain the Championship.
One week later, he would lose his Championship to Torsten Voigt. But in that time, his profile has grown tremendously – a shock to anyone who would have thought about Derek Adonis prior to his Television Championship reign. With the burgeoning success of the KABLAMASUTRA prior to and following his win, the institution of the KABLAMAEROBICS fitness program, and the newly-introduced KABLAMINDER application (available NOW in your Goggle Play and Pomme App stores), it’s a wonder that Man Mountain has become among the most beloved of SCW superstars. I guess there is merit to the “loveable loser” trope.
Regardless, we’re now 10 months removed from the END of Adonis’ reign, and while he spent time away filming KABLAMASUTRA: The TV Series (airing now), the fans of SCW has kept it going. What have they kept going?
KABLAM-a-MANIA, BROTHER!
~~~~~~~~~~~
The arena is still buzzing from what they just saw, but what we see now does not make regular SCW cameras. Derek Adonis makes it into the backstage area following his victory over Billy Breakdown in a match billed – at least by Adonis – as the DREAM MATCH OF THE CENTURY, earning himself a shot at the Television Champion, whomever that may be. There were two options: Josh Hudson, the current Champion whose demeanor intimidates Adonis, and Konrad Raab, who is one of the most popular figures in the locker-rooms. But Adonis didn’t let his thoughts get ahead of him. Instead, the “KABLAMICAN Dweem” looks around and finds SCW’s web reporter, Abby Hudson, looking over her own notes for the show. Derek, however, in a celebratory manner, moves over to her.
Adonis: “Did you see that out there? Did you SEE!?”
Hudson looks up, almost shocked at the sudden appearance of the sweaty man and “Baby Doll” Dreams, standing sandwiching her on either side.
Hudson: “Um… yeah! Congratulations.”
Adonis: “Thank you, Abby. Thank you.”
He looks her over a bit.
Adonis: “You know, you look like you could pull off the Internet Tornado costume I saw. There’s arm tassels, boot tassels… who doesn’t love tassels!?”
Hudson: “Yeah, that’s great. I actually have some work to do…”
Derek turns to face a camera that isn’t there, continuing with his “promo”.
Adonis: “First of all, I would to thank the many, many fans throughout this country that bought copies of the KABLAMSUTRA from Derek Adonis, The KABLAMICAN Dweem, while I was down.”
Abby looks around, confused.
Hudson: “Who are you talking to?”
Adonis: “The people…”
Hudson: “There’s no camera here. No one can hear you. Don’t you think, since Breakdown is still on the air, this would be televised?”
Derek stares blankly, almost glancing over to Cookie… er… Baby Doll for help. She doesn’t know what to do, and shakes her head in a frantic way, almost asking for help herself. Derek adjusts…
Adonis: “I’m just so excited, Tornado.”
Hudson: “Not my name.”
Adonis: “It could be. I’m just so excited that I have a chance to AGAIN become the Champion of Television! And I’m so excited, I’m gonna be your huckleberry all night long!”
Hudson: “Ew.”
Cookie: “Yay! Great save!”
Adonis: “Thanks, Baby Doll! See, I have wined and dined with kings and queens and I’ve slept in alleys and dined on pork and beans.”
Cookie again chimes in.
Cookie: “And that last part was just tonight!”
Adonis: “That’s right, Baby Doll. I love me some PnB.”
Hudson: “Is that what that is?”
Adonis: “Is that what what is?”
He looks to Abby, who looks like she smelled something.
Adonis: “Oh… a fart joke. I get it.”
Hudson: “It’s no joke, Derek…”
Then, Adonis smells it and gags a bit.
Adonis: “A fart gag?”
Cookie laughs, which brings a smile to Derek’s face. Derek then remembers why he was in this scene to begin with.
Adonis: “I get a shot to be Champion of Television again! KABLAM!”
He goes to kiss first Cookie, who reciprocates, then Abby, who dodges.
Hudson: “No thanks. I’m just fine…”
Adonis: “Your loss. Come on, Baby Doll… let’s go celebrate!”
The KABLAMICAN Dweem and Baby Doll Dreams exit the scene, leaving Abby bewildered and looking… intrigued? Well, this is an interesting turn of events…
~~~~~~~~~~~
Later that night, Derek Adonis would learn that his opponent for the Television Championship would be Konrad Raab, who many would say upset the now-former Champion for the strap, especially on a night where Josh Hudson declared his intention to use his Trios contract, which he earned back in February, to challenge Sienna Swann for the SCW World Championship. As we previously noted, Hudson’s general demeanor intimidated Man Mountain, so he was rather relieved that he wouldn’t have to face him. But he knew Konrad Raab, who had hungered for a Championship and had the desire to be a fighting Champion, wouldn’t be a pushover. That was okay, though. Adonis didn’t want a pushover.
Beyond that story, however, was the continuing saga of Derek Adonis and his baby-mama, the ironically named Chastity Rose, and his son, Ulysses Superman (SUCH a cool name). After his court case went through and his paternity was confirmed, Derek was left with another thought: How many other seeds had he sown throughout his years? Were there little Adonises… Adoni? I don’t know. But were there others out there? And if so, how many? Did he have enough to have his own personal security force? His own hockey team? Baseball team? Football team?
It was possible that this was on his mind. Also, Derek had to worry about managing his KABLAMpire. We were currently on the fifth printing of the KABLAMASUTRA, the book that started it all. KABLAMSUTRA 2: Electric KABLAMaloo was currently in the scripting phase. He had just been renewed for season 2 of KABLAMASUTRA: The TV Series (a shocking thing considering Derek himself stars in it and participates in the “action”). KABLAMaerobics was spreading as the latest fitness sensation. And KABLAMinder had just launched. You never know what else was coming down the pipes… but Derek was sure to follow in the footsteps of Gene Simmons, trademarking his catch-phrase and life philosophy for anything he can. Just wait until KABLAMdoms are released. You can see the face of Derek Adonis every time you reach for a condom. How’s THAT for marketing genius?
Maybe that one’s a bit much…
~~~~~~~~~~~
The scene rises up to the crackling of a fire. In the distance, sounds of intense pleasure can be heard, though not immediately identified. We pan around, taking a look at the room, where we see various signed photos of insanely attractive women hanging in lieu of family photos or accomplishments. A tipped over bottle of wine and some shed clothes are strewn about between the table at the centre of our scene and what we can only assume, given the circumstances, is the bedroom. The red wine had spilled out enough that there was bound to be a stain. Have you ever tried to get red wine out of a carpet? Damn near IMPOSSIBLE. The sounds of pleasure grow more and more intense. Then, we see Derek Adonis sitting at the table, clad in only a loose-fitting housecoat, reading the KABLAMasutra with a mug of something set on the table beside him, his other hand unseen. We assume the mug has a low level of coffee, with the absence of steam from the top of it, but can’t know for sure. His laptop sits open beside him, a pornographic video playing on it, matching the intense pleasure from the other room, almost leading one to believe that the video is the celebration rather than whatever is going on. As Derek sits, a Scope video call request comes through. Derek reaches up and grabs his mouse with his previously-unseen hand, pausing the video and stopping the sounds throughout the scene (confirming what we had just thought) and answers the call, seeing a red-headed (and red-bearded) man on the other side of his screen.
Adonis: “Jeff-rey?”
Derek appears bewildered. His former man-servant/employee had been unheard from since he went on a journey of self-discovery never-before documented by our cameras. Seriously, it was some sort of “I need to find myself” type thing that Derek didn’t understand. Truthfully, when Jeff-rey gave his notice of resignation, Derek only listened to half of it. The shock of losing a close confidante – even one as persistent and pestering as Jeff-rey had been known to be – was enough to shock anyone, and Derek was also trying to set up the webcam he had installed in the honeymoon suite of his wedding chapel. Oh, don’t worry – that’s completely legal. The honeymoon suite allows couples to record their big (KABLAM!) day. But still, seeing Jeff-rey, now bearded and looking healthy, on the other side of his computer took Derek by surprise.
Jeff-rey: “Hello, Derek.”
Adonis: “Jeff-rey… I haven’t heard from you since…”
Derek tried to remember when it had last been, but the time escapes him. Jeff-rey, however, nods his head.
Jeff-rey: “It’s been 379 days, 21 hours, 19 minutes, and 44 seconds… 45… 46…”
Adonis: “Okay, okay… I get it.”
Derek squares up, looking at the webcam as Jeff-rey looks away.
Adonis: “What would you like, Jeff-rey?”
Jeff-rey: “Could you… um…”
Jeff-rey motions for Derek’s housecoat, which had stayed open (and even opened more so when he turned) during the conversation. Jeff-rey, not wanting to “see that”, turned away. Derek looks down, noticing that he was fully exposed. Shrugging his shoulders, he pulls his robe together.
Adonis: “I guess so.”
Derek appeared inconvenienced, even annoyed, by the request to cover his “shame”. Of course, Derek was not ashamed of his body. He was proud of his temple that had been only enhanced since the institution and practice of KABLAMaerobics.
Jeff-rey: “I saw you on the television the other day and wanted to reach out.”
Adonis: “Oh, did you see my tremendous victory in the DREAM MATCH OF THE CENTURY!?”
Jeff-rey: “No, I…”
Adonis: “Because I now have a claim to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Championship of the World now because of it.”
Jeff-rey: “Mr. Adonis, that’s not…”
Adonis: “Or do you mean my latest commercial for KABLAMinder?”
Jeff-rey hangs his head.
Jeff-rey: “It was your TV show.”
Adonis: “Oh.”
Derek takes a moment to think about it. He had been on and around TV shows for so long that specifying it down to a specific show was…
Adonis: “KABLAMASUTRA: The TV Series?”
…actually pretty easy. Jeff-rey’s face grows as red as the hair upon his head.
Jeff-rey: “I’m ashamed.”
Adonis: “Don’t be. People LOVE seeing Man Mountain in all his glory. That’s part of the appeal of the show… well, secondary to all the lovely ladies that come on to come on… ehh?”
Jeff-rey: “What?”
Adonis: “Get it? They come on to come on? EHHHHHH??”
Derek tries to force Jeff-rey to “get it”, but to no avail. He doesn’t. He won’t.
Jeff-rey: “That’s not it, Mr. Adonis. Quite frankly, I’d seen enough when I worked for you.”
Adonis: “Oh yeah. Remember the time you walked in on me and that one that looked underage though her ID said she was legal?”
Jeff-rey: “The time? That happened at least 7 times during my employment.”
Adonis: “Heh heh… yeah. Anyway, we have a kid now.”
Jeff-rey does a double-take.
Jeff-rey: “Come again?”
Adonis: “Nope. Just the once. Apparently, that’s all it takes.”
Jeff-rey: “Huh… anyway, that’s not why I was ashamed. I’m ashamed because, when I quit, it was because you were taking more and more advice from Cookie Dreams and Manvel than you were me. I though the KABLAMASUTRA would sink like a lead balloon, but here you are with a bestseller and a TV show.”
Adonis: “And a fitness program.”
Jeff-rey: “And a fitness program?”
Adonis: “And an app.”
Jeff-rey: “And an app? Look… the point is that I was wrong to doubt you, and I’m sorry.”
Derek finally clues in…
Adonis: “Wait. Hold on. Back up here. Give me a minute.”
Jeff-rey: “Okay…?”
Adonis: “You quit?”
Jeff-rey: “Yyyyyes?”
Adonis: “Then who have I been writing all those checks to?”
Jeff-rey shakes his head.
Jeff-rey: “I don’t know. But I just wanted to apologize for doubting you, and let you know that I’m very proud of you. Here I thought all you were interested in was sex with random women and…”
Jeff-rey’s eyes widen as Cookie Dreams steps into the scene behind Derek, dressed in lingerie approximately two-sizes too small. Clearly not Jeff-rey’s interest, but it’s hard not to stop in your tracks upon such an image.
Jeff-rey: “Is… is that…”
Adonis: “Yeah… the ol’ ball and chain if you know what I mean.”
Jeff-rey: “You… married her?”
Derek shrugs as though it isn’t a big deal. Of course, given their respective proclivities and the resulting openness of their marriage, it really wasn’t such a big deal to Derek. It wasn’t like Cookie was tying him down and not letting him sow his wild oats, and Derek was okay with her being sown as well. Still, as Derek sits in front of the computer, Cookie walks over.
Cookie: “Oh, is THIS why the video in the bedroom was paused?”
Adonis: “Yeah… it’s Jeff-rey! Remember him?”
Cookie: “Looking cute, Jeff-rey.”
Jeff-rey tries to look away while simultaneously remaining polite.
Jeff-rey: “Thanks. You look… as scantily-clad as ever.”
Cookie: “That’s so sweet!”
Cookie stands over Derek, running her hands down his chest in his housecoat.
Adonis: “Jeff-rey was just telling me how impressed he was with how the KABLAMpire was growing.”
Her hands go lower as she sinks towards his back.
Adonis: “And that’s not the ONLY thing that’s going to be growing IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.”
Jeff-rey: “Please stop.”
Cookie looks back to the webcam, realizing that Jeff-rey was growing more uncomfortable with what he was witnessing. She stands up and waves to the computer.
Cookie: “Sorry Jeff-rey! Maybe next time.”
She leans back to Derek’s ear…
Cookie: “I’ll be waiting.”
Cookie turns and exits the scene, with Derek staring after her. A bit of drool forms in the corner of his mouth, followed by more drool. He audibly slurps the drool back into his mouth and turns back to the computer.
Jeff-rey: “Not again…”
Derek looks down, having to pull his housecoat closed again.
Adonis: “So, yeah. Things are pretty great here and…”
Derek obviously has pull away from the table where he sits. Jeff-rey, noticing this, rolls his eyes.
Jeff-rey: “You want to chase her?”
Adonis: “I do.”
Jeff-rey: “Then just go… we’ll chat another time.”
Adonis: “Thank you.”
Without another word, Derek closes the chat window and hits play on the video. Opening his housecoat and looking down, Derek smiles.
Adonis: “KABLAM!”
Then, he turns towards the bedroom himself…
Adonis: “Oh Cookie… here comes MAN MOUNTAIN!”
He rushes off in the direction of the bedroom, and the scene mercifully cuts away before we hear any of Adonis’ sounds of pleasure.
~~~~~~~~~~~
But, just while things appear to be amazing for Derek Adonis’ personal life, between a marriage that actually works for him (fifth time’s a charm?) and a burgeoning professional life, there is still a few things that don’t necessarily work in his favour. Enter September Mills. September is a representative of a vaunted television network in Canada, and her involvement in the wrestling industry before has been well-documented and mixed at best. She was responsible for giving a wrestler a guaranteed money deal, adding to the pot for a company to sign him and sticking the network with the remainder of his contract when that company folded anyway, so she was always pensive when it came to working with wrestlers. Derek Adonis, of course, was no ordinary wrestler, something she made clear to her superiors as often as she could.
Still, she wasn’t sure what to expect when entering into meetings pertaining to KABLAMASUTRA: The TV Series season 2…
~~~~~~~~~~~
Mills: “It’s filth.”
September Mills, the pant-suited executive of County-TV in Canada, wasn’t shy about voicing her objections to the content of… anything, really. She was a staunch crusader for ratings and the sponsorship dollars that came with them. But more than that, she wanted what was decent to be on the air. Derek Adonis, the second person in this meeting, was quick to defend his vision and his work.
Adonis: “Its CLASSY filth.”
Okay, to a point. But it really was a point worth making. For Derek, the series was never going to be an X-rated romp. He had a professional career to worry about. There were children who watched SCW programming, and the fact that he had to sell the KABLAMASUTRA, with all it entails, only to people AFTER they produced valid ID was a push enough. Sure, there was merchandise for the kids – a stuffed Derek Adonis bear that said “KABLAM!” when you squeezed it’s stomach was his favourite, despite wanting it to say “KABLAM!” when you squeeze lower. “That’s not appropriate for children” he was told time and time again. But with his TV series, he had always been free to express his vision, with as much nudity as was allowed after midnight.
Mills: “It’s like fucking Baby Blue 2 all over again.”
This reference confused Derek.
Adonis: “Huh?”
Mills: “Baby Blue 2… it was a weekly softcore series on City…”
Adonis: “WHEN DO I WATCH THIS!?”
Derek almost rises out of his chair, but ends up disappointed…”
Mills: “You don’t anymore. It was cancelled years ago because of the filth that it aired. Which is why I’m opposed to any renewals to this Kama Sutra…”
Adonis: “That’s KABLAMasutra… thank you very much.”
Derek sits back looking kind of snooty. September rolls her eyes though, not seeing much different in a series based off the actual Kama Sutra, nor Derek Adonis’ “inspired reimagining” of it.
Mills: “Whatever.”
See? She’s completely dismissive of the differences in the KABLAMasutra. That’s just poor knowledge of the source material, is what it is. But because of that poor knowledge, Derek finds himself facing an uphill battle.
Adonis: “But the series has already been renewed for another season.”
Mills: “Against my wishes, believe me. If the decision were up to me, it would have been cancelled 15 minutes into the first episode.”
Derek laughs, remembering what happened at 15 minutes into the first episode.
Adonis: “That was a GREAT scene. That girl is a nursing student now, and was VERY thankful to have the chance to make some decent money for a day’s worth of work.”
Mills: “And what happened with the 23 hours and 58 minutes that DIDN’T make the series.”
Adonis: “Are you suggesting that I hold onto the footage that doesn’t make the show for my own personal gratification? Because they sign releases for that!”
September shakes her head. In her mind, everything Adonis is saying only reaffirms the beliefs she already held.
Mills: “See, that’s the problem with you. Everything you do is supposed to feed into your sick fetishes, yet you find ways to completely circumvent common sense and decency, but do so in ways that are actually somehow LEGAL.”
Derek shrugs his shoulders.
Adonis: “I have good lawyers?”
Mills: “I’ll say. But while I can’t cancel your show without the board of directors signing off… and apparently the board of directors actually like your filth, there is something I can do.”
Adonis: “What’s that?”
Mills: “I can cut your budget. Make it so you have to spend all of your money to keep a half-decent production value and can’t afford your special “guests”. See how many girls you can convince to appear without flashing cash in their faces.”
Adonis: “I will have you know that it’s not CASH that gets flashed in their faces. KABLAM!”
Mills: “Ugh… gross.”
Adonis: “You liked it.”
Mills: “Have you not heard a WORD I’ve said? I didn’t like it. That’s why…”
September catches herself pausing before she says too much to Derek, who seemed to have an answer for everything she said.
Mills: “You know what? I’m not getting into it with you. Your budget is cut. That’s all there is to it.”
Adonis: “Okay.”
This seemed to enrage September more than anything else.
Mills: “That’s it? “Okay”? You should be desperate. You should be PANICKING. You should be offering me any concession you can give me to refund your precious money. You should be…”
Adonis: “Sacrificing my integrity as an artist and the KABLAMperor?”
Mills: “What does that even mean?”
Adonis: “Leader of the KABLAMpire… duh.”
Mills: “Well, yes! That’s what you should be doing. Why are you just rolling over and taking it.”
Adonis: “First, I do some of my best work on my back… KABLAM!”
September nods.
Mills: “Should have expected that one.”
Adonis: “But mainly… I’m not exactly desperate for money. I own like… 3 wedding chapels in Las Vegas, the shotgun wedding capital of the world! I get residuals from the KABLAMASUTRA, it’s movie and TV series, KABLAMaerobics, and sponsorships purchased from KABLAMinder. I’m fine if I have to top up a budget. As long as I have a spot on TV, I can make this work.”
Mills: “You… you just… AHHHHHHHHH!!”
September screams right in Adonis’ face.
Mills: “You have got to be the most MADDENING man I have EVER met in my entire LIFE! You just won’t give up! You won’t take “no” for an answer.”
Adonis: “I made it this far.”
September sighs, shaking her head and sighing heavily.
Mills: “I don’t get it… I really don’t.”
Adonis: “Well… let me explain it to you.”
September looks up to Derek, a resigned look in her eyes as she moves to a nearby chair. That’s right… apparently there were chairs in the room the entire time, but September and Derek both chose to stand. Isn’t that strange. Anyway, we’re not going to be privy to Derek Adonis’ philosophy of living a KABLAM lifestyle today, as our scene takes this opportune moment to cut away.
~~~~~~~~~~~
[REC].
Derek Adonis found himself in familiar territory: Preparing for an SCW Television Championship… er… Championship of Television opportunity that he earned. Last time he had a shot, it was treated as a joke or, worse, an abomination… but this was a fact that Derek was privy to. He heard it all… he saw the tweets, even interacting with some. He knew that the idea of him being Television Champion was looked upon as devaluing the Championship itself. In the end, this was false. His nearly one-month long reign didn’t destroy the value of the Championship, but it enabled him to do something he always wanted to do…
This time, he stands in front of the camera completely clothed (sorry… or not. Depends on what you thought about his in-the-buff recording), clad in a very loud neon green suit with bright pink highlights, aping the colour scheme from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air titles. But, despite his flamboyant, over-the-top presentation, Adonis’ face is that of uncharacteristic seriousness.
Adonis: “I understand that to a lot of you, I’m a joke. I really do get it. I know that there are people who look at me when I go to the store or on TV in KABLAMASUTRA: The TV Series or in a wrestling arena and think my entire existence is to be a joke. You wonder how I could possibly do this… ‘rassling? That’s something for bodybuilders or super-hot models to do… the fitness types. And I heard the words of people who don’t believe...”
Derek Adonis begins to mock the words he’s heard, after all, they are the very same words that Man Mountain has heard time and time again.
Adonis: ““Look at that Derek Adonis… He thinks he’s a lady’s man? HAH! Look at him. No way any lady worth having would give HIM the time of day.””
He laughs, if only to suppress some tears brought on by the sting of your merciless doubt. Shame on you, reader. Shame.
Adonis: “I hear it all the time. People look at me and hear my confidence and my enthusiasm over the fairer sex and assume that, somehow, I strike out every time I try. You’ve SEEN my box of conquests, and assume that the list inside of it is either written in super-huge type or is written on fortune cookie paper. Well, it’s legitimate, but for the privacy of the women on it… and there are a LOT of them… I keep that information private. Only a select few can actually validate the large number of names documented. But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about. Not today. There will be PLENTY of time to talk about my list and my success with the ladies. I mean, you only need to look as far as the Missus to see just how successful Man Mountain truly is!”
He lets out a hearty “KABLAM”, which the narration here has opted to tell you about rather than directly quoting simply as a means to break up his speaking. But now that we’ve successfully done that, and drawn enough of a break to build your anticipation back up, we return to our subject du jour.
Adonis: “And you need only look at my previous recording to realize that Man Mountain truly is MOUNTAINOUS! Did you see all those pixels? If there was a factory that manufactured pixels to cover me up, it would have been working overtime for weeks to reach the necessary number. Just another way of saying that KABLAM SAVES LIVES!”
Okay, so he kind of got sidetracked, but maybe he’ll get back to the point.
Adonis: “But I want you to understand something… Derek Adonis… Man Mountain… KABLAM… I’m so much more than your typical, run-of-the-mill ‘rassler. I may not look the part. I may not dress the part. You may think my cardio is lacking - which, BTW, is not something I’ve EVER had complaints about from the ladies… IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! … what was I saying again?”
He has to think about it, after getting himself sidetracked bragging about his romantic conquests again.
Adonis: “Oh! Right! I may not look like the guys you push out on the CAW feature of the SCW vidgee game. I may not look like the guy you build in Frankenstein’s lab as “The Perfect Wrestler” in a “They call him blank” kind of way. But that doesn’t necessarily matter, because Derek Adonis is a BRAND onto himself! Look at it all. Look at SCW. Look at GCW. Look at EMERGE. You see a bunch of athletes competing, but how many of those are truly BRANDED? I, Derek Adonis, the KABLAMperor of the KABLAMpire… ooh…”
He plays with his tongue a little bit, strangely for sure, but leaving a sense that his self-deemed titles just twisted his tongue and felt weird.
Adonis: “Maybe leave that one on the cutting room floor.”
Adonis shakes his head.
Adonis: “Look, what I’m trying to say is that there are competitors and then there are personalities. While my wrestling record may not be the greatest, my stardom cannot be denied! I’m Man Mountain! Wherever I go, whatever I do, people notice me. You talk about “larger than life”, my personality is I am larger than larger than life! So it was always destined that I would eventually find my way back into the conversation to be SCW’s Champion of Television! After all, Derek Adonis is a HUGE TELEVISION STAR!”
Adonis throws his head up, clearly peacocking. It’s a little awkward, but he wears it well.
Adonis: “If you take the physicality out of the equation, there are wonders that I could do for the visibility and… yes… prestige of that Championship. After all, between the KABLAMasutra - the book, movie, AND TV series - between KABLAMaerobics, between KABLAMinder… I am one of the most visible businesses in the company. Why would having a Championship with that much visibility be a bad thing? Huh? Why? Answer me!”
Derek, again, gets sidetracked, this time trying to force an answer to his question out of no one in particular… you, actually. But since you’re not in the room with Adonis as he’s recording this match promotion, his questions and protests fall on deaf ears.
Adonis: “That’s right… it’s not bad. If anything, giving that kind of spotlight to the Championship… the type of spotlight that comes with a guy who’s able to get on Breakdown to perform KABLAMaerobics in front of tens of thousands of people in the arena, and MILLIONS watching worldwide on their televisions. That’s the type of visibility I can bring the Championship of Television. But of course, there’s always the physical side, and Man Mountain is not afraid of being physical… just ask Cookie.”
Adonis obnoxiously winks to the camera.
Adonis: “In fact, in preparation for my upcoming Championship match against Konrad Raab, a man who Man Mountain respects, I have been putting in extra effort to be ready! MAXIMUM effort, if you weeeell… er…”
He clears his throat.
Adonis: “... will. I know what Konrad Raab is going through because I, too, was in that position back in December of last year, after I just won the Championship of Television. I know the bundle of nerves that can knot your stomach up as you go into your first Championship defense, not knowing when the ride is going to end. I know how long you have fought and worked for this moment, because you’re one of the few on the SCW roster who is older than me. I know how much you wanted to be a Champion in SCW and you made it! You finally got there! You are the SCW Champion of Television! And you are ready to defend it against whoever wins their Champion qualifiers to face you! And in England at the O2 Arena, you’re going to do exactly that when you defend your newly-won title against a man who many looked at as not being a serious threat! You’re going to defend against Man Mountain, Derek Adonis! And Konrad, I wish you the best in your defense…”
He looks off camera, almost embarrassed that he maybe just wished his opponent the best of luck.
Adonis: “But… I’m going to push for better than that. For the opportunity to be a TWO-TIME SCW Champion of Television is just too alluring! Think about the doors this could open for SCW and me! For my KABLAMpire! I could finally get a timeslot on the Home Shopping Network to market all things KABLAM… the KABLAMasutra… KABLAMaerobics… even give live demonstrations of how KABLAMinder works! That’s where you and I differ, Konrad… to you, being Champion is enough. Being Champion validates you and the hard work you put in to be there. But to me, being Champion is only the beginning… it’s the first step of many steps taken to profit. But there’s something I want you to do, Konrad… close your eyes…”
Derek demonstrates how this is accomplished by closing his eyes.
Adonis: “Are they closed? Good… close your eyes and imagine. Imagine. Imagine. Imagine me defeating you.”
He opens his eyes again, looking into the camera with something akin to sincerity in his eyes.
Adonis: “I know that you’re not going to be happy. I know that you want to retain that Championship, but the nature of the Championship of Television means that you may not get what you want. I want you to know that I’m going to give you everything I have for the shiny prize, and losing it to me will carry no shame. It’s not personal… it’s businessy. And for everyone else, everyone who makes fun of me for my weight or condition, everyone who questions my virility with the ladies… I want you to really watch… because with Man Mountain as the Champion of Television, we’ll be entering into a new age… the Age of…”
He pauses briefly, soaking in the moment of no crowd interaction. He closes his eyes again, lifts chin and inhales deeply, before he lets out another hearty, forceful…
Adonis: “KABLAAAAAAM!”
With that, the recorded scene goes to black.
~~~~~~~~~~~
A pair of women’s feet can be seen protruding out from the end of some bedsheets. They’re folded together, almost as if the arch of one foot was being used to warm the top of the other, and they switch places semi-frequently. We move up from the feet because we’re not foot fetishists, moving up the feminine shape of the body under the covers. As we reach higher on the bed, we can see a slender arm out of the bed resting on the body. We move even higher still and see the shoulder, the neck and, finally, the sleeping face of September Mills. There’s no indication of clothing on her body as she begins to shift in place. As she moves, her eyes open and she rolls onto her back, rubbing her eyes.
Mills: “Ugh…”
Groaning, she looks around, seeing the walls where photos of scantily clad women hang on the walls… signed photos. This piques her attention and she rises from the bed, taking the sheet with her, wrapping it around her body as she goes. She walks over to the pictures…
Mills: “Why would someone keep these pictures in their bedroom?”
Looking at the pictures, she recognizes a picture… the nursing student that appeared on KABLAMASUTRA: The TV Series. Her eyes widen.
Mills: “No…”
She turns back to the bed and her eyes widen in horror as she sees the sleeping body of Derek Adonis. The horrifying realization sweeps over her as she begins to recall everything.
Derek explaining his confidence and persistence.
The move from the meeting room to a nearby restaurant for dinner. She ordered a salad. He ordered a steak. Medium-rare, she remembered. They had drinks… she drank wine, he drank whiskey sours.
They left the restaurant. Derek tried to get her a cab, but she didn’t want to go home alone. Derek offered her the couch. She accepted.
They went back to his place. Cookie was out, likely with Manvel. She and Derek talked… and talking led them to… no… led her to.
Mills: “What did I do?”
Derek rolls in his place, opening his eyes and seeing September standing in place, wrapped in his sheet.
Mills: “What did we do?”
Adonis: “Let me explain it to you.”
She nearly becomes sick. The scene fades.