12-03-2018, 11:35 AM
NOTE: Rpleplay split into two parts – apparently I wrote too much. Oops?
LEGEND
SPOKEN DIALOGUE
OFF-CAMERA SCENES NOT AVAILABLE FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION
ON-CAMERA SCENES AVAILABLE FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION
A FEW WEEKS AGO
The closing moments of Derek Adonis’ last RP
A pair of women’s feet can be seen protruding out from the end of some bedsheets. They’re folded together, almost as if the arch of one foot was being used to warm the top of the other, and they switch places semi-frequently. We move up from the feet because we’re not foot fetishists, moving up the feminine shape of the body under the covers. As we reach higher on the bed, we can see a slender arm out of the bed resting on the body. We move even higher still and see the shoulder, the neck and, finally, the sleeping face of September Mills. There’s no indication of clothing on her body as she begins to shift in place. As she moves, her eyes open and she rolls onto her back, rubbing her eyes.
Mills: “Ugh…”
Groaning, she looks around, seeing the walls where photos of scantily clad women hang on the walls… signed photos. This piques her attention and she rises from the bed, taking the sheet with her, wrapping it around her body as she goes. She walks over to the pictures…
Mills: “Why would someone keep these pictures in their bedroom?”
Looking at the pictures, she recognizes a picture… the nursing student that appeared on KABLAMASUTRA: The TV Series. Her eyes widen.
Mills: “No…”
She turns back to the bed and her eyes widen in horror as she sees the sleeping body of Derek Adonis. The horrifying realization sweeps over her as she begins to recall everything.
Derek explaining his confidence and persistence.
The move from the meeting room to a nearby restaurant for dinner. She ordered a salad. He ordered a steak. Medium-rare, she remembered. They had drinks… she drank wine, he drank whiskey sours.
They left the restaurant. Derek tried to get her a cab, but she didn’t want to go home alone. Derek offered her the couch. She accepted.
They went back to his place. Cookie was out, likely with Manvel. She and Derek talked… and talking led them to… no… led her to.
Mills: “What did I do?”
Derek rolls in his place, opening his eyes and seeing September standing in place, wrapped in his sheet.
Mills: “What did we do?”
Adonis: “Let me explain it to you.”
She nearly becomes sick. Derek, spotting this potential inevitability, rushes to her side, a bucket in hand, as he sits next to her. September, spotting the bucket, attempts to slide away from Derek, but is overwhelmed by the sense of what happened, vomiting into the bucket, her head coming too close for comfort to his crotch area.
Adonis: “Do you… do you need a minute?”
September, with her head still hunched over the bucket, nods. Derek looks around whistling the intro to “Wanna B Ur Lovr” – his entrance theme – which only prompts more vomit to come forth from the geyser that is her stomach.
Adonis: “Is that the wine or…?”
Mills: “I’M FUCKING REPULSED RIGHT NOW!”
Adonis: “Oh.”
That was all he could really say. It wasn’t like he hadn’t heard that before from a lady… he heard it enough times – usually after the woman sobered up and came to regret their time with Man Mountain. September especially so, as the night they had came after their meeting where she essentially decried everything Derek Adonis – the self-styled “KABLAMperor” – believed in. Still, despite the insult, he pulls her hair back out of her face, ensuring she doesn’t get sick into it.
Mills: “You have a lot of explaining to do, so get talking.”
Adonis: “Not much TO explain, really. We had dinner. You drank too much. You didn’t want to go home alone, so I offered you the couch. We chatted. There was a spark. And then…”
He grins, but seeing the mortified expression on the ill woman’s face, decides to withhold his customary “KABLAM!” … who says Man Mountain can’t be a gentleman?
Mills: “You mean I instigated… this?”
September sits up, appearing to be utterly repulsed, but starting to come to the realization that she was responsible for her own fate. Meanwhile, Derek nods with enthusiasm… enthusiasm that slowed as he nodded.
Mills: “God… now I have to kill myself.”
Adonis: “You don’t have to kill yourself.”
Mills: “Are you kidding me? Are you seriously FUCKING kidding me right now!? We… I… FUCK!”
She throws her face into her hands, shaking her head as she sits there.
Mills: “If this ever gets out, my career could be fucking OVER!”
Adonis: “I’m very discreet.”
September rolls her eyes.
Mills: “Right… like I would fucking believe THAT.”
Adonis: “Then tell me who else I’ve slept with.”
He sits back, challenging September.
Mills: “Cookie.”
Adonis: “Well we’re married so that doesn’t count.”
Mills: “What about what’s-her-name? Destiny?”
Adonis: “Chastity… how did you hear about that?”
Mills: “Professional wrestler ends up in court? It’s going to be a fucking story.”
Adonis: “KA-…”
Mills: “Don’t.”
Adonis doesn’t.
Adonis: “Okay. Who else?”
He smirks while September struggles to think of anyone else.
Mills: “Esperanza?”
Adonis: “…”
Mills: “Oh my God… REALLY!? I saw those pictures on the internet and just guessed there was something more there.”
Adonis: “I’m not confirming or denying anything.”
Mills: “So you DID!”
September begins to laugh, the first show of life she’s had since waking up and realizing how she spent her night… this was almost becoming a game.
Adonis: “MY POINT IS… you can’t be TOO sure about anyone who’s reached the summit of Man Mountain because I keep the identities of my partners private to protect them. There are a lot of women who are curious about the KABLAMperor, and they would descend on my partners like they were in a Hitchcock… heh heh heh…”
Derek laughs at the name “Hitchcock” because inside, he has the sense of humour of a 12-year-old boy. September snaps her fingers in his face.
Mills: “Focus.”
Adonis snaps out of his juvenile laughter.
Adonis: “…movie. I do it for your safety.”
September, grudgingly, cannot argue Adonis’ point. Public knowledge of his specific trysts is surprisingly limited, prompting some non-believers to act as though there is nothing there.
Adonis: “Of course, there’s also this…”
Derek reaches beside himself, pulling out a cloth bag with #KABLAM scrawled across it. He hands it to September.
Mills: “THIS is supposed to be discreet?”
Adonis: “Why not? I sell it alongside the KABLAMasutra, KABLAMaerobics gift packs, copies of the movie and TV series on DVD and Blu-Ray…”
Mills: “I… I get it.”
She looks through the gift bag that Derek apparently juts had handy for her following the tryst.
Mills: “The book… a catalogue… Plan B?”
Adonis: “Unless you’re craving having a little Adonis all your own…”
Derek didn’t even have to finish his sentence before September had ripped the Plan B open and tossed it into her mouth, swallowing in a single gulp. She turns back towards Derek, handing him back the gift bag.
Mills: “I’m not going to need any of this other stuff.”
Derek shrugs as he takes the bag back.
Adonis: “Suit yourself. Some good shit in here… like this…”
Derek pulls out a small photo frame with the word “KABLAM” carved into it. September nearly gets sick again.
Adonis: “A lot in here to commemorate our time together.”
Mills: “I want to forget that tonight EVER happened. I want to forget that I even knew you.”
Adonis: “Well that’s kind of rude…”
Mills: “And if you ever tell ANYONE about this… if word about tonight gets out to anyone worth listening to, I’ll sue you for so much defamation that your precious wedding chapel will end up a parking lot in Vegas!”
Adonis: “Ouch.”
She stands up, adjusting the clothing she has on and taking her purse.
Mills: “I mean it, Derek. Don’t fuck with me…”
She turns and looks for the exit, heading towards it as Derek mutters under his breath.
Adonis: “… KABLAM!”
Mills: “I heard that!”
The scene fades.
----------
If December of 2017 brought the most shocking moment in the lineage of the SCW Television Championship… the night where Derek Adonis claimed the gold… then the night of February 14, 2018, would go down in the annals of history as the second-most shocking moment in said lineage. On that night, in front of a deluge of fans in the O2 Arena in London, England, Derek Adonis would defeat Konrad Raab to claim the Championship for the second time in his career! The moment was accentuated with more than mere shock and surprise. There was a sense of delight in the fans in London – acceptance of the re-rise of Man Mountain as a fan favourite.
NOVEMBER 14, 2018
The O2 Arena
London, England
Shortly after winning the Championship, Derek and Cookie emerged through the curtain into the backstage area. Derek had the Championship belt pressed to his chest so tightly that an imprint of the belt might have reasonably been pressed in with it. With Cookie, his somehow-wife, hanging onto his as he walked, the most unlikely of couples were approached by a reporter from an unknown network. Dressed in a baby-blue suit completed with a Union Jack tie, the reporter had a flip book with him to take notes. This wasn’t a typical interviewer. This wasn’t going to be a typical interviewer.
Reporter: “Derek Adonis… congratulations on becoming the SCW Television Champion…”
Derek holds his hand up, immediately cutting the reporter off.
Adonis: “That’s CHAMPION of TELEVISION!”
The Reporter laughs, scribbling onto his notepad to correct his notes later.
Reporter: “Yes, of course. How silly of me.”
Adonis: “That’s okay, old bean. You didn’t know any better, so I can forgive your transgression.”
Reporter: “That’s most kind of you. How does it feel now that you’re a two-time Champion of Television?”
Adonis breathes heavily, wiping some of the sweat from his brow as he smiles.
Adonis: “It’s amazing, Chap! This is going to open up so many more opportunities for me! Another season of KABLAMasutra: The TV Series! We might even be able to launch the KABLAM Home Shopping Network, where you will be ordering all of your KABLAM merchandise like the book, KABLAMaerobics, Manvel’s Personal Body Oil… But before we can do any of that, Cookie and I have to go out to celebrate tonight. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!”
Adonis winks obnoxiously as Cookie begins to jump up and down excitedly, bringing the attention of the reporter exactly where you think it would go.
Reporter: “That’s certainly not unexpected for a man of your voracious appetite.”
Adonis: “Great word! “Voracious”! I’ll be sure to look that up later.”
Reporter: “Anyway, I wouldn’t want to keep you from your celebrations. But before you go, I wanted to reach out to you as the new Television… er… Champion of Television…”
Derek nods, satisfied.
Reporter: “And invite the two of you to come in and spend some time on the BBC.”
Derek’s smile suddenly freezes, replaced by confusion. Cookie appears to be ecstatic by the offer.
Adonis: “On the what now?”
Reporter: “You know the BBC… it’s kind of a big deal.”
Adonis: “That’s definitely what I heard. What kind of game are you trying to play with me here?”
Reporter: “I’m not sure I follow. You’re becoming quite the big deal yourself, and between you and the BBC there could be something truly memorable.”
Adonis: “I don’t doubt it would be memorable.”
Reporter: “And I could tell you that the BBC would LOVE you!”
Derek again nods, understanding the point even if he isn’t entirely on board.
Adonis: “Of course they would. I’m freakin’ ADORABLE! But… how can I say this without hurting the BBC’s feelings?”
Cookie: “Tell them the rules?”
Derek nods.
Adonis: “Great idea, baby!”
Cookie beams as Derek clears his throat.
Adonis: “Look, I’m flattered. In my younger days, I might have even been a little bit curious. But I have a reputation to maintain and, because of that, there are two rules I live by. The first one, which doesn’t really apply here, is that “Daddy Don’t Diddle”. I have a strict… strict… policy to make sure anyone who wants to ride Man Mountain is absolutely of the age of consent, because nothing would be worse for my KABLAMpire than to be caught with someone underage and thrown behind bars because of it. I don’t know if you can tell from my rough exterior, but I would NOT do well in prison.”
Reporter: “Oh, I think…”
Adonis: “I know… you think I’m not giving myself enough credit, and I thank you for that confidence in me, but believe me: I wouldn’t last. The second rule, which is kind of what we’re looking at here, is that “Daddy Don’t Ding Dongs”. What that means is, no matter what kind of offer comes my way, and they come often, my eyes and the rest of Man Mountain is reserved for lady use only. So, while I appreciate the attention bestowed upon Man Mountain, and while I’m sure the BBC is friendly and all, I’m going to have to take a hard pass on that…”
Reporter: “Mr. Adonis, you don’t…”
Derek slaps himself in the face, realizing his faux pas.
Adonis: “RIGHT! Sorry… “hard pass” was probably a bad choice of words. Let me try again… I’m going to have to unfortunately decline…”
He nods, having found the right words to avoid an unfortunate visit with the BBC. The Reporter still appears befuddled by all of this.
Reporter: “I meant the British…”
Adonis: “No, no, no! Don’t go conflating the issue by making it about nationality. I don’t play that game. Why, a few nights ago in Amsterdam, let’s just say that there was a moment when I had someone screaming “Amster-DAAAAAMN!” if you know what I mean!”
Reporter: “I’m sure I do…”
Adonis: “It’s just that I believe in following my rules. And if that means missing out on some BBC’s whether British or black or what-have-you, well, I’ll learn to cope, mmkay?”
Reporter: “IT’S THE BRITISH BROADCAST COMPANY!”
Derek pauses again. He attempts to work out the math in his head, thinking about what was just blurted out. He thinks first about British, which begins with a B. He then looks to Broadcast, which also begins with a B. Finally, his mind comes to Company, which begins not with a B, but with a C. He then puts the three together, coming out with…
Adonis: “BBC! THAT’S what you meant!”
He felt like a genius for cracking the code. Adonis laughs at his mistaken initials.
Adonis: “Well that’s embarrassing! Here I thought that when you were inviting me for time ON the BBC, you were referring to the Big Black C-…”
Reporter: “I…”
He blurts out quickly, preventing Derek from finishing his sentence.
Reporter: “I know what you meant.”
But Derek wasn’t convinced, and as he was sure that the Reporter wouldn’t cut him off again, he clarifies.
Adonis: “Cock.”
The Reporter sighs heavily.
Reporter: “I figured that out.”
Adonis nods, feeling like he accomplished something.
Adonis: “Now, if you’ll excuse me, the Champion of Television COULD celebrate solo, but I really don’t want to… IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!”
Cookie: “Ooh! Ooh! I know what you mean!”
Cookie again bounces excitedly in place. Derek looks at her, almost drooling where he stands (though that could also be the sweat from his match cascading down his forehead around his mouth). He turns over to the Reporter for one final word…
Adonis: “KABLAM!”
…Before heading off towards the locker-rooms with Cookie in tow. The Reporter, still bewildered at the conversation that just took place, shakes his head. Our scene shifts away…
----------
“Ladies and gentlemen, MAN MOUNTAIN is back ON TOP (KABLAM) of the Television scene in Supreme Championship Wrestling! It was a hard (KABLAM) fought match between myself and Konrad Raab, full of near-falls and a single full-fall. I’m fortunate enough to say that the full-fall belonged to me and, because of it, I am a two-time Champion of Television. That’s how the industry seems to work. The people who get full-falls are declared the winners, and those who only get near-falls don’t win until that near-fall becomes full.
Look at me giving you lessons in the “business”. I’m such a humanitarian!
Where was I? Oh right! A TWO-TIME Champion of Television! And like I said before, with being the Champion comes opportunity. What does that mean for you, the loyal KABLAM following? It means that you may soon see NEW innovations from KABLAM Enterprises! Yes, KABLAMinder is a runaway success despite the fact that there were a few early kinks that had all the ladies match with yours truly, but I made a few wonderful friends because of that IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! But the rise of my Empire or “KABLAMpire” doesn’t stop there. I’ve already floated the possibility of having my own channel… the KABLAM Home Shopping Channel… where you could get everything you need to spice up your life, including the Spice Girls song “Spice Up Your Life”. I tell ya, if they came a-knockin’, it wouldn’t end with my door. I once had a dream where they all wanted to go their separate ways and it was up to me to convince them to stick together and show them they were a lot better with each other and BOY DID I SUCCEED THERE! KABLAM!
But that has nothing to do with KHSC. I’m also working on a SECOND book… not a sequel, but more of a memoir. I’m not going to spill my dirty secrets and tell you the ladies I’ve shared time with, but I am going to give you a motivational memoir so you, too, can live your best life! And maybe that will get turned into a movie which I can promise you would be the SAUCIEST MOVIE EVER MADE! Fifty Shades of Grey? Puh-LEASE! That might as well be BAMBI when compared to what I can deliver!
THE POINT I’m trying to make here is that none of this would have been possible without being the Champion of Television for a second time! I know Konrad Raab was disappointed in losing the Championship. He fought for a long time to get there and, in two weeks, it was callously taken away from him by the Stud of Studs. But that’s the way the cookie crumbles… not MY Cookie, mind you. She doesn’t crumble… she more melts if anything IF YOU KNOW… you know what I mean. WINK!!”
----------
Since winning the SCW Championship of Television, Derek Adonis had been on a bit of a whirlwind tour. He defended his Championship against his best friend Manvel in the first ever KABLAMARAMA Endurance Challenge, narrowly eking out a victory to retain his Championship. Bound By Blood came and went, with Derek and Cookie unable to persuade United States and then-Tag Team champion Bree Lancaster to become a spokesperson for the KABLAMpire. Something about being “repulsive” or something like that. It’s tough to say. But the KABLAMperor was undeterred, sending feelers (KABLAM!) out to the likes of Bianca Evans and Mikeala Street, both of which returned with very polite and cordial rejections. Since the narration says it’s polite, that must mean it was true, right?
Right?
Anyway, Derek decided to take a few days before returning to the SCW Tour to return home to Las Vegas, to his chapel, and to the child he only recently discovered he had. Sure, the mother – Chastity Rose – was largely embarrassed by even having her encounter with Man Mountain revealed, a complete 180 from her experience as it was going on (wink-wink), but the child was innocent. The child was pure. The child was somehow instantly corruptible. So as Chastity went out on a blind date with some goofus, Derek had his first bit of alone time with his kid.
What could possibly go wrong?
Adonis: “Hello, 911?”
Oh…
911 Operator: “What seems to be your emergency?”
Adonis: “Yeah, I have this kid who won’t stop crying and I don’t know what to do!”
911 Operator: “Okay… is the child in physical distress?”
Adonis: “Listen!”
He points the phone towards the child, who is screaming.
Adonis: “That’s not the normal sound I get from children. Kids love me! I remind them of Santa Claus playing Hugh Hefner! Kids love that shit!”
911 Operator: “Kids love Hugh Hefner?”
Adonis: “No… kids love Santa Claus. Work with me here! The kid keeps screaming! He won’t eat his chicken nuggets! He won’t dance along with the Elmo! He’s just slouching there like he’s had too much to drink.”
911 Operator: “When was the last time he ate?”
Adonis: “Well, his mother breastfeeds and she’s on a blind date right now, so…”
911 Operator: “Wait… you said the child breastfeeds?”
Adonis: “Yeah, the lucky bastard. Oh… I can say that because his mom and I aren’t together or anything.”
911 Operator: “Sir, I’m going to need you to focus. How old is your son?”
Adonis: “Um… 8 months or so?”
911 Operator: “Do you have any bottles?”
Adonis: “Yeah, what kind of host do you take me for? An unprepared one?”
911 Operator: “Kind of.”
Adonis: “That’s fair.”
911 Operator: “Sir, children at that age don’t eat chicken nuggets, especially full. You’ll have to feed him some jarred pureed vegetables and, for the love of God, give him a bottle!”
Adonis: “Will that make him stop crying?”
911 Operator: “Ideally, if he’s hungry, that will do the trick.”
Adonis: “Okay… okay thank you.”
Derek hangs up on his unnecessary 911 call. Moving to the fridge, he pulls out a bottle marked for that day and takes it to the child, young Ulysses Superman. Tantalizing the child with the tip of the nipple at his lips, the child accepts, opening his mouth and latching on, drinking. Derek sighs with relief.
Adonis: “New product: KABLAMdoms…. I’ll need to work on the name.”
Exhausted, he sits back in the chair as his son downs the entire bottle in relatively short order. However, it’s not long before…
911 Operator: “911. What seems to be your emergency?”
Adonis: “Hi! The kid won’t stop crying again! I don’t know what happened! I fed him, just like you said, and he was happier than a pig in…”
911 Operator: “Sir, please settle down.”
But Derek is undeterred from his previous description, having to finish what he was saying despite being rudely cut off.
Adonis: “…shit.”
911 Operator: “Right.”
Adonis: “And then he just started crying again! I really don’t know what to do this time! He isn’t hungry anymore, and this time his tears smell AWFUL!”
911 Operator: “Sir, are you sure those are his tears smelling awful? He could be defecating himself.”
Adonis: “I don’t know… he doesn’t seem to be losing any air.”
911 Operator: “No, not deflating. Defecating. Having a bowel movement. Pooping…”
Adonis: “Oh! Of course. I knew that.”
He didn’t.
Adonis: “So what do I do?”
911 Operator: “You’ll have to change your diaper.”
Adonis: “Right. Yeah. I knew that. Thanks.”
911 Operator: “You’re welcome, sir. But please, unless it’s an actual emergency, don’t call here again.”
The operator hangs up. Derek holds the phone away from his face.
Adonis: “Huh… rude.”
He shakes his head as he tosses the phone aside. Moving to his son, he lifts him out of the high chair, finally getting a full force of the smell.
Adonis: “Whoa! You are certainly ripe, aren’t you?”
Adonis carries the kid under his arm, rooting through the diaper bag provided by his mother to find a diaper and some wipes. He carries the child over to the washroom and sets him out on a mat inside the bathtub. Seems Derek has some instincts down…
Adonis: “The mat is there to clean up after sex.”
… or he’ll address the narrator directly and explain that to the world. After all, he wouldn’t possibly want his child to know that, would he? Well, knowing Derek Adonis, probably. He opens the diaper and immediately gets sprayed in the face. He shields himself with the diaper, causing some of the contents to flow out onto the child’s leg.
Adonis: “Son of a… sorry, I’m sure you love your mother very much.”
He turns on the tap of the bathtub and precariously shifts the child under it, leg first to wash away what had come on there, before turning him around to use the flowing water like a bidet. Using the wipe, he dries his son before laying him back down.
Adonis: “That’s why we use a mat. Easy to clean.”
He lifts the child’s legs up and slides the new diaper underneath. From there, it’s rather self-explanatory. He folds the front up, undoes the taped sides and applies them to the front, keeping the diaper firmly in place. Derek admires his job well done.
Adonis: “That wasn’t so bad…”
Derek smiles at his job well done. As the night passes, there are fewer 911 calls, and Ulysses passes out rather early. Derek decides to leave his child where he fell asleep, deciding that moving him would undoubtedly result in more tears. And the child would scream, too. Derek’s own maturation as an adult would be rather impressive, if we didn’t know any better.
Late at night, there was a knock at Derek’s door, stirring him awake. Groggily, he moves from where he had situated himself on the sofa near the sleeping Ulysses, and gets to the door. He peers through the peephole, seeing Chastity on the other side. He opens the door…
Adonis: “And where have you been, young lady?”
Rose: “Relax. You’re not MY father.”
She walks into Derek’s place, seeing the chair where Ulysses had fallen asleep, and her heart melts a little.
Rose: “Was he good tonight?”
Adonis: “Well, he ate. He pooped. So, a pretty good night for a small fry.”
Derek struggles with the small talk, but tries.
Adonis: “How was your date? Any good?”
Rose: “Another loser. I just seem to keep attracting them.”
Derek shrugs his shoulders.
Adonis: “Maybe you’re just looking in the wrong places.”
She laughs.
Rose: “I’m a single mother in Las Vegas. There are no “good places” to find… No.”
Derek smiles wide, which is something Chastity picks up on.
Rose: “No, I’m not getting that app!”
Adonis: “Come on! Show your support. KABLAMinder is revolutionary!”
Rose: “How is it not just a slightly-rebranded Tinder?”
Adonis: “Because… this uses… um… algorithms… and…”
Rose: “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
Adonis: “All I know is it got me some MAJOR hits, if y-…”
Rose: “I know what you mean.”
Derek has to cope with having his line cut off again, without being able to finish it. After all, what good is finishing a line when it’s properly completed?
Rose: “Why do you even use it when you’re married, anyway?”
Adonis: “Cookie and I have an understanding.”
Rose: “You keep saying that… what does that even mean?”
Adonis: “Well, we’re going to need something before I explain it… take a seat.”
The scene shifts away, depriving you, dear viewer, of an audience for Derek’s life secrets and such… sorry.
LEGEND
SPOKEN DIALOGUE
OFF-CAMERA SCENES NOT AVAILABLE FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION
ON-CAMERA SCENES AVAILABLE FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION
A FEW WEEKS AGO
The closing moments of Derek Adonis’ last RP
A pair of women’s feet can be seen protruding out from the end of some bedsheets. They’re folded together, almost as if the arch of one foot was being used to warm the top of the other, and they switch places semi-frequently. We move up from the feet because we’re not foot fetishists, moving up the feminine shape of the body under the covers. As we reach higher on the bed, we can see a slender arm out of the bed resting on the body. We move even higher still and see the shoulder, the neck and, finally, the sleeping face of September Mills. There’s no indication of clothing on her body as she begins to shift in place. As she moves, her eyes open and she rolls onto her back, rubbing her eyes.
Mills: “Ugh…”
Groaning, she looks around, seeing the walls where photos of scantily clad women hang on the walls… signed photos. This piques her attention and she rises from the bed, taking the sheet with her, wrapping it around her body as she goes. She walks over to the pictures…
Mills: “Why would someone keep these pictures in their bedroom?”
Looking at the pictures, she recognizes a picture… the nursing student that appeared on KABLAMASUTRA: The TV Series. Her eyes widen.
Mills: “No…”
She turns back to the bed and her eyes widen in horror as she sees the sleeping body of Derek Adonis. The horrifying realization sweeps over her as she begins to recall everything.
Derek explaining his confidence and persistence.
The move from the meeting room to a nearby restaurant for dinner. She ordered a salad. He ordered a steak. Medium-rare, she remembered. They had drinks… she drank wine, he drank whiskey sours.
They left the restaurant. Derek tried to get her a cab, but she didn’t want to go home alone. Derek offered her the couch. She accepted.
They went back to his place. Cookie was out, likely with Manvel. She and Derek talked… and talking led them to… no… led her to.
Mills: “What did I do?”
Derek rolls in his place, opening his eyes and seeing September standing in place, wrapped in his sheet.
Mills: “What did we do?”
Adonis: “Let me explain it to you.”
She nearly becomes sick. Derek, spotting this potential inevitability, rushes to her side, a bucket in hand, as he sits next to her. September, spotting the bucket, attempts to slide away from Derek, but is overwhelmed by the sense of what happened, vomiting into the bucket, her head coming too close for comfort to his crotch area.
Adonis: “Do you… do you need a minute?”
September, with her head still hunched over the bucket, nods. Derek looks around whistling the intro to “Wanna B Ur Lovr” – his entrance theme – which only prompts more vomit to come forth from the geyser that is her stomach.
Adonis: “Is that the wine or…?”
Mills: “I’M FUCKING REPULSED RIGHT NOW!”
Adonis: “Oh.”
That was all he could really say. It wasn’t like he hadn’t heard that before from a lady… he heard it enough times – usually after the woman sobered up and came to regret their time with Man Mountain. September especially so, as the night they had came after their meeting where she essentially decried everything Derek Adonis – the self-styled “KABLAMperor” – believed in. Still, despite the insult, he pulls her hair back out of her face, ensuring she doesn’t get sick into it.
Mills: “You have a lot of explaining to do, so get talking.”
Adonis: “Not much TO explain, really. We had dinner. You drank too much. You didn’t want to go home alone, so I offered you the couch. We chatted. There was a spark. And then…”
He grins, but seeing the mortified expression on the ill woman’s face, decides to withhold his customary “KABLAM!” … who says Man Mountain can’t be a gentleman?
Mills: “You mean I instigated… this?”
September sits up, appearing to be utterly repulsed, but starting to come to the realization that she was responsible for her own fate. Meanwhile, Derek nods with enthusiasm… enthusiasm that slowed as he nodded.
Mills: “God… now I have to kill myself.”
Adonis: “You don’t have to kill yourself.”
Mills: “Are you kidding me? Are you seriously FUCKING kidding me right now!? We… I… FUCK!”
She throws her face into her hands, shaking her head as she sits there.
Mills: “If this ever gets out, my career could be fucking OVER!”
Adonis: “I’m very discreet.”
September rolls her eyes.
Mills: “Right… like I would fucking believe THAT.”
Adonis: “Then tell me who else I’ve slept with.”
He sits back, challenging September.
Mills: “Cookie.”
Adonis: “Well we’re married so that doesn’t count.”
Mills: “What about what’s-her-name? Destiny?”
Adonis: “Chastity… how did you hear about that?”
Mills: “Professional wrestler ends up in court? It’s going to be a fucking story.”
Adonis: “KA-…”
Mills: “Don’t.”
Adonis doesn’t.
Adonis: “Okay. Who else?”
He smirks while September struggles to think of anyone else.
Mills: “Esperanza?”
Adonis: “…”
Mills: “Oh my God… REALLY!? I saw those pictures on the internet and just guessed there was something more there.”
Adonis: “I’m not confirming or denying anything.”
Mills: “So you DID!”
September begins to laugh, the first show of life she’s had since waking up and realizing how she spent her night… this was almost becoming a game.
Adonis: “MY POINT IS… you can’t be TOO sure about anyone who’s reached the summit of Man Mountain because I keep the identities of my partners private to protect them. There are a lot of women who are curious about the KABLAMperor, and they would descend on my partners like they were in a Hitchcock… heh heh heh…”
Derek laughs at the name “Hitchcock” because inside, he has the sense of humour of a 12-year-old boy. September snaps her fingers in his face.
Mills: “Focus.”
Adonis snaps out of his juvenile laughter.
Adonis: “…movie. I do it for your safety.”
September, grudgingly, cannot argue Adonis’ point. Public knowledge of his specific trysts is surprisingly limited, prompting some non-believers to act as though there is nothing there.
Adonis: “Of course, there’s also this…”
Derek reaches beside himself, pulling out a cloth bag with #KABLAM scrawled across it. He hands it to September.
Mills: “THIS is supposed to be discreet?”
Adonis: “Why not? I sell it alongside the KABLAMasutra, KABLAMaerobics gift packs, copies of the movie and TV series on DVD and Blu-Ray…”
Mills: “I… I get it.”
She looks through the gift bag that Derek apparently juts had handy for her following the tryst.
Mills: “The book… a catalogue… Plan B?”
Adonis: “Unless you’re craving having a little Adonis all your own…”
Derek didn’t even have to finish his sentence before September had ripped the Plan B open and tossed it into her mouth, swallowing in a single gulp. She turns back towards Derek, handing him back the gift bag.
Mills: “I’m not going to need any of this other stuff.”
Derek shrugs as he takes the bag back.
Adonis: “Suit yourself. Some good shit in here… like this…”
Derek pulls out a small photo frame with the word “KABLAM” carved into it. September nearly gets sick again.
Adonis: “A lot in here to commemorate our time together.”
Mills: “I want to forget that tonight EVER happened. I want to forget that I even knew you.”
Adonis: “Well that’s kind of rude…”
Mills: “And if you ever tell ANYONE about this… if word about tonight gets out to anyone worth listening to, I’ll sue you for so much defamation that your precious wedding chapel will end up a parking lot in Vegas!”
Adonis: “Ouch.”
She stands up, adjusting the clothing she has on and taking her purse.
Mills: “I mean it, Derek. Don’t fuck with me…”
She turns and looks for the exit, heading towards it as Derek mutters under his breath.
Adonis: “… KABLAM!”
Mills: “I heard that!”
The scene fades.
----------
If December of 2017 brought the most shocking moment in the lineage of the SCW Television Championship… the night where Derek Adonis claimed the gold… then the night of February 14, 2018, would go down in the annals of history as the second-most shocking moment in said lineage. On that night, in front of a deluge of fans in the O2 Arena in London, England, Derek Adonis would defeat Konrad Raab to claim the Championship for the second time in his career! The moment was accentuated with more than mere shock and surprise. There was a sense of delight in the fans in London – acceptance of the re-rise of Man Mountain as a fan favourite.
NOVEMBER 14, 2018
The O2 Arena
London, England
Shortly after winning the Championship, Derek and Cookie emerged through the curtain into the backstage area. Derek had the Championship belt pressed to his chest so tightly that an imprint of the belt might have reasonably been pressed in with it. With Cookie, his somehow-wife, hanging onto his as he walked, the most unlikely of couples were approached by a reporter from an unknown network. Dressed in a baby-blue suit completed with a Union Jack tie, the reporter had a flip book with him to take notes. This wasn’t a typical interviewer. This wasn’t going to be a typical interviewer.
Reporter: “Derek Adonis… congratulations on becoming the SCW Television Champion…”
Derek holds his hand up, immediately cutting the reporter off.
Adonis: “That’s CHAMPION of TELEVISION!”
The Reporter laughs, scribbling onto his notepad to correct his notes later.
Reporter: “Yes, of course. How silly of me.”
Adonis: “That’s okay, old bean. You didn’t know any better, so I can forgive your transgression.”
Reporter: “That’s most kind of you. How does it feel now that you’re a two-time Champion of Television?”
Adonis breathes heavily, wiping some of the sweat from his brow as he smiles.
Adonis: “It’s amazing, Chap! This is going to open up so many more opportunities for me! Another season of KABLAMasutra: The TV Series! We might even be able to launch the KABLAM Home Shopping Network, where you will be ordering all of your KABLAM merchandise like the book, KABLAMaerobics, Manvel’s Personal Body Oil… But before we can do any of that, Cookie and I have to go out to celebrate tonight. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!”
Adonis winks obnoxiously as Cookie begins to jump up and down excitedly, bringing the attention of the reporter exactly where you think it would go.
Reporter: “That’s certainly not unexpected for a man of your voracious appetite.”
Adonis: “Great word! “Voracious”! I’ll be sure to look that up later.”
Reporter: “Anyway, I wouldn’t want to keep you from your celebrations. But before you go, I wanted to reach out to you as the new Television… er… Champion of Television…”
Derek nods, satisfied.
Reporter: “And invite the two of you to come in and spend some time on the BBC.”
Derek’s smile suddenly freezes, replaced by confusion. Cookie appears to be ecstatic by the offer.
Adonis: “On the what now?”
Reporter: “You know the BBC… it’s kind of a big deal.”
Adonis: “That’s definitely what I heard. What kind of game are you trying to play with me here?”
Reporter: “I’m not sure I follow. You’re becoming quite the big deal yourself, and between you and the BBC there could be something truly memorable.”
Adonis: “I don’t doubt it would be memorable.”
Reporter: “And I could tell you that the BBC would LOVE you!”
Derek again nods, understanding the point even if he isn’t entirely on board.
Adonis: “Of course they would. I’m freakin’ ADORABLE! But… how can I say this without hurting the BBC’s feelings?”
Cookie: “Tell them the rules?”
Derek nods.
Adonis: “Great idea, baby!”
Cookie beams as Derek clears his throat.
Adonis: “Look, I’m flattered. In my younger days, I might have even been a little bit curious. But I have a reputation to maintain and, because of that, there are two rules I live by. The first one, which doesn’t really apply here, is that “Daddy Don’t Diddle”. I have a strict… strict… policy to make sure anyone who wants to ride Man Mountain is absolutely of the age of consent, because nothing would be worse for my KABLAMpire than to be caught with someone underage and thrown behind bars because of it. I don’t know if you can tell from my rough exterior, but I would NOT do well in prison.”
Reporter: “Oh, I think…”
Adonis: “I know… you think I’m not giving myself enough credit, and I thank you for that confidence in me, but believe me: I wouldn’t last. The second rule, which is kind of what we’re looking at here, is that “Daddy Don’t Ding Dongs”. What that means is, no matter what kind of offer comes my way, and they come often, my eyes and the rest of Man Mountain is reserved for lady use only. So, while I appreciate the attention bestowed upon Man Mountain, and while I’m sure the BBC is friendly and all, I’m going to have to take a hard pass on that…”
Reporter: “Mr. Adonis, you don’t…”
Derek slaps himself in the face, realizing his faux pas.
Adonis: “RIGHT! Sorry… “hard pass” was probably a bad choice of words. Let me try again… I’m going to have to unfortunately decline…”
He nods, having found the right words to avoid an unfortunate visit with the BBC. The Reporter still appears befuddled by all of this.
Reporter: “I meant the British…”
Adonis: “No, no, no! Don’t go conflating the issue by making it about nationality. I don’t play that game. Why, a few nights ago in Amsterdam, let’s just say that there was a moment when I had someone screaming “Amster-DAAAAAMN!” if you know what I mean!”
Reporter: “I’m sure I do…”
Adonis: “It’s just that I believe in following my rules. And if that means missing out on some BBC’s whether British or black or what-have-you, well, I’ll learn to cope, mmkay?”
Reporter: “IT’S THE BRITISH BROADCAST COMPANY!”
Derek pauses again. He attempts to work out the math in his head, thinking about what was just blurted out. He thinks first about British, which begins with a B. He then looks to Broadcast, which also begins with a B. Finally, his mind comes to Company, which begins not with a B, but with a C. He then puts the three together, coming out with…
Adonis: “BBC! THAT’S what you meant!”
He felt like a genius for cracking the code. Adonis laughs at his mistaken initials.
Adonis: “Well that’s embarrassing! Here I thought that when you were inviting me for time ON the BBC, you were referring to the Big Black C-…”
Reporter: “I…”
He blurts out quickly, preventing Derek from finishing his sentence.
Reporter: “I know what you meant.”
But Derek wasn’t convinced, and as he was sure that the Reporter wouldn’t cut him off again, he clarifies.
Adonis: “Cock.”
The Reporter sighs heavily.
Reporter: “I figured that out.”
Adonis nods, feeling like he accomplished something.
Adonis: “Now, if you’ll excuse me, the Champion of Television COULD celebrate solo, but I really don’t want to… IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!”
Cookie: “Ooh! Ooh! I know what you mean!”
Cookie again bounces excitedly in place. Derek looks at her, almost drooling where he stands (though that could also be the sweat from his match cascading down his forehead around his mouth). He turns over to the Reporter for one final word…
Adonis: “KABLAM!”
…Before heading off towards the locker-rooms with Cookie in tow. The Reporter, still bewildered at the conversation that just took place, shakes his head. Our scene shifts away…
----------
“Ladies and gentlemen, MAN MOUNTAIN is back ON TOP (KABLAM) of the Television scene in Supreme Championship Wrestling! It was a hard (KABLAM) fought match between myself and Konrad Raab, full of near-falls and a single full-fall. I’m fortunate enough to say that the full-fall belonged to me and, because of it, I am a two-time Champion of Television. That’s how the industry seems to work. The people who get full-falls are declared the winners, and those who only get near-falls don’t win until that near-fall becomes full.
Look at me giving you lessons in the “business”. I’m such a humanitarian!
Where was I? Oh right! A TWO-TIME Champion of Television! And like I said before, with being the Champion comes opportunity. What does that mean for you, the loyal KABLAM following? It means that you may soon see NEW innovations from KABLAM Enterprises! Yes, KABLAMinder is a runaway success despite the fact that there were a few early kinks that had all the ladies match with yours truly, but I made a few wonderful friends because of that IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! But the rise of my Empire or “KABLAMpire” doesn’t stop there. I’ve already floated the possibility of having my own channel… the KABLAM Home Shopping Channel… where you could get everything you need to spice up your life, including the Spice Girls song “Spice Up Your Life”. I tell ya, if they came a-knockin’, it wouldn’t end with my door. I once had a dream where they all wanted to go their separate ways and it was up to me to convince them to stick together and show them they were a lot better with each other and BOY DID I SUCCEED THERE! KABLAM!
But that has nothing to do with KHSC. I’m also working on a SECOND book… not a sequel, but more of a memoir. I’m not going to spill my dirty secrets and tell you the ladies I’ve shared time with, but I am going to give you a motivational memoir so you, too, can live your best life! And maybe that will get turned into a movie which I can promise you would be the SAUCIEST MOVIE EVER MADE! Fifty Shades of Grey? Puh-LEASE! That might as well be BAMBI when compared to what I can deliver!
THE POINT I’m trying to make here is that none of this would have been possible without being the Champion of Television for a second time! I know Konrad Raab was disappointed in losing the Championship. He fought for a long time to get there and, in two weeks, it was callously taken away from him by the Stud of Studs. But that’s the way the cookie crumbles… not MY Cookie, mind you. She doesn’t crumble… she more melts if anything IF YOU KNOW… you know what I mean. WINK!!”
----------
Since winning the SCW Championship of Television, Derek Adonis had been on a bit of a whirlwind tour. He defended his Championship against his best friend Manvel in the first ever KABLAMARAMA Endurance Challenge, narrowly eking out a victory to retain his Championship. Bound By Blood came and went, with Derek and Cookie unable to persuade United States and then-Tag Team champion Bree Lancaster to become a spokesperson for the KABLAMpire. Something about being “repulsive” or something like that. It’s tough to say. But the KABLAMperor was undeterred, sending feelers (KABLAM!) out to the likes of Bianca Evans and Mikeala Street, both of which returned with very polite and cordial rejections. Since the narration says it’s polite, that must mean it was true, right?
Right?
Anyway, Derek decided to take a few days before returning to the SCW Tour to return home to Las Vegas, to his chapel, and to the child he only recently discovered he had. Sure, the mother – Chastity Rose – was largely embarrassed by even having her encounter with Man Mountain revealed, a complete 180 from her experience as it was going on (wink-wink), but the child was innocent. The child was pure. The child was somehow instantly corruptible. So as Chastity went out on a blind date with some goofus, Derek had his first bit of alone time with his kid.
What could possibly go wrong?
Adonis: “Hello, 911?”
Oh…
911 Operator: “What seems to be your emergency?”
Adonis: “Yeah, I have this kid who won’t stop crying and I don’t know what to do!”
911 Operator: “Okay… is the child in physical distress?”
Adonis: “Listen!”
He points the phone towards the child, who is screaming.
Adonis: “That’s not the normal sound I get from children. Kids love me! I remind them of Santa Claus playing Hugh Hefner! Kids love that shit!”
911 Operator: “Kids love Hugh Hefner?”
Adonis: “No… kids love Santa Claus. Work with me here! The kid keeps screaming! He won’t eat his chicken nuggets! He won’t dance along with the Elmo! He’s just slouching there like he’s had too much to drink.”
911 Operator: “When was the last time he ate?”
Adonis: “Well, his mother breastfeeds and she’s on a blind date right now, so…”
911 Operator: “Wait… you said the child breastfeeds?”
Adonis: “Yeah, the lucky bastard. Oh… I can say that because his mom and I aren’t together or anything.”
911 Operator: “Sir, I’m going to need you to focus. How old is your son?”
Adonis: “Um… 8 months or so?”
911 Operator: “Do you have any bottles?”
Adonis: “Yeah, what kind of host do you take me for? An unprepared one?”
911 Operator: “Kind of.”
Adonis: “That’s fair.”
911 Operator: “Sir, children at that age don’t eat chicken nuggets, especially full. You’ll have to feed him some jarred pureed vegetables and, for the love of God, give him a bottle!”
Adonis: “Will that make him stop crying?”
911 Operator: “Ideally, if he’s hungry, that will do the trick.”
Adonis: “Okay… okay thank you.”
Derek hangs up on his unnecessary 911 call. Moving to the fridge, he pulls out a bottle marked for that day and takes it to the child, young Ulysses Superman. Tantalizing the child with the tip of the nipple at his lips, the child accepts, opening his mouth and latching on, drinking. Derek sighs with relief.
Adonis: “New product: KABLAMdoms…. I’ll need to work on the name.”
Exhausted, he sits back in the chair as his son downs the entire bottle in relatively short order. However, it’s not long before…
911 Operator: “911. What seems to be your emergency?”
Adonis: “Hi! The kid won’t stop crying again! I don’t know what happened! I fed him, just like you said, and he was happier than a pig in…”
911 Operator: “Sir, please settle down.”
But Derek is undeterred from his previous description, having to finish what he was saying despite being rudely cut off.
Adonis: “…shit.”
911 Operator: “Right.”
Adonis: “And then he just started crying again! I really don’t know what to do this time! He isn’t hungry anymore, and this time his tears smell AWFUL!”
911 Operator: “Sir, are you sure those are his tears smelling awful? He could be defecating himself.”
Adonis: “I don’t know… he doesn’t seem to be losing any air.”
911 Operator: “No, not deflating. Defecating. Having a bowel movement. Pooping…”
Adonis: “Oh! Of course. I knew that.”
He didn’t.
Adonis: “So what do I do?”
911 Operator: “You’ll have to change your diaper.”
Adonis: “Right. Yeah. I knew that. Thanks.”
911 Operator: “You’re welcome, sir. But please, unless it’s an actual emergency, don’t call here again.”
The operator hangs up. Derek holds the phone away from his face.
Adonis: “Huh… rude.”
He shakes his head as he tosses the phone aside. Moving to his son, he lifts him out of the high chair, finally getting a full force of the smell.
Adonis: “Whoa! You are certainly ripe, aren’t you?”
Adonis carries the kid under his arm, rooting through the diaper bag provided by his mother to find a diaper and some wipes. He carries the child over to the washroom and sets him out on a mat inside the bathtub. Seems Derek has some instincts down…
Adonis: “The mat is there to clean up after sex.”
… or he’ll address the narrator directly and explain that to the world. After all, he wouldn’t possibly want his child to know that, would he? Well, knowing Derek Adonis, probably. He opens the diaper and immediately gets sprayed in the face. He shields himself with the diaper, causing some of the contents to flow out onto the child’s leg.
Adonis: “Son of a… sorry, I’m sure you love your mother very much.”
He turns on the tap of the bathtub and precariously shifts the child under it, leg first to wash away what had come on there, before turning him around to use the flowing water like a bidet. Using the wipe, he dries his son before laying him back down.
Adonis: “That’s why we use a mat. Easy to clean.”
He lifts the child’s legs up and slides the new diaper underneath. From there, it’s rather self-explanatory. He folds the front up, undoes the taped sides and applies them to the front, keeping the diaper firmly in place. Derek admires his job well done.
Adonis: “That wasn’t so bad…”
Derek smiles at his job well done. As the night passes, there are fewer 911 calls, and Ulysses passes out rather early. Derek decides to leave his child where he fell asleep, deciding that moving him would undoubtedly result in more tears. And the child would scream, too. Derek’s own maturation as an adult would be rather impressive, if we didn’t know any better.
Late at night, there was a knock at Derek’s door, stirring him awake. Groggily, he moves from where he had situated himself on the sofa near the sleeping Ulysses, and gets to the door. He peers through the peephole, seeing Chastity on the other side. He opens the door…
Adonis: “And where have you been, young lady?”
Rose: “Relax. You’re not MY father.”
She walks into Derek’s place, seeing the chair where Ulysses had fallen asleep, and her heart melts a little.
Rose: “Was he good tonight?”
Adonis: “Well, he ate. He pooped. So, a pretty good night for a small fry.”
Derek struggles with the small talk, but tries.
Adonis: “How was your date? Any good?”
Rose: “Another loser. I just seem to keep attracting them.”
Derek shrugs his shoulders.
Adonis: “Maybe you’re just looking in the wrong places.”
She laughs.
Rose: “I’m a single mother in Las Vegas. There are no “good places” to find… No.”
Derek smiles wide, which is something Chastity picks up on.
Rose: “No, I’m not getting that app!”
Adonis: “Come on! Show your support. KABLAMinder is revolutionary!”
Rose: “How is it not just a slightly-rebranded Tinder?”
Adonis: “Because… this uses… um… algorithms… and…”
Rose: “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
Adonis: “All I know is it got me some MAJOR hits, if y-…”
Rose: “I know what you mean.”
Derek has to cope with having his line cut off again, without being able to finish it. After all, what good is finishing a line when it’s properly completed?
Rose: “Why do you even use it when you’re married, anyway?”
Adonis: “Cookie and I have an understanding.”
Rose: “You keep saying that… what does that even mean?”
Adonis: “Well, we’re going to need something before I explain it… take a seat.”
The scene shifts away, depriving you, dear viewer, of an audience for Derek’s life secrets and such… sorry.