12-03-2018, 11:36 AM
[THE FOLLOWING WAS TAPED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE]
Our scene rises up to a studio audience applauding politely, as studio audiences often do, to cheesy talk show music. We can see Cookie Dreams in her own balcony area managing something and jumping, jumping happily to the beat of the music, mesmerizing you. Manvel stands near her, operating the music and oiling himself to a state of being untouchable with a certifiable layer of oil on his body. And then there is Man Mountain himself, Derek Adonis, the SCW Champion of Television, standing center stage with his belt wrapped somehow around his waist, and a microphone worn upon his head like a 90’s boy band member.
“Ladies and gents, you’re here because you were in the mall doing your Christmas shopping, was offered a $25 gift card to attend a special live event and, like a prudent person, said yes! Congratulations and thank you for your trust. You’ll get your gift cards at the conclusion of this presentation, but in the meantime, enjoy the presentation. You’ll see “Applause” signs light up when the vivacious and curvaceous Cookie or the manly Manvel flip their switches. You’re encouraged to applaud when they are lit up. And… uh… yeah! We have quite the presentation for you today. For those of you who have never seen me before, you must have been living under a rock! My name is Derek Adonis and this…”
Derek pats the Championship around his waist, worn proudly with extenders to mitigate the risks of the belt popping off mid-presentation. See? For a man whose most intelligent moments involve the ladies, Adonis can be pretty crafty.
“This is the Supreme Championship Wrestling Championship!... of Television. I am the SCW Champion of Television! And to say that I don’t belong in the position I am in today is kind of mean. I mean, what kind of person would so haphazardly assume they know anything about me just because of how I look? Don’t be rude, audience, because if you’re rude, you miss out. And if you miss out, then you don’t get to say that you were on the ground floor of the movement that is sweeping the nation: KABLAMamania, Brother!”
The Applause signs light up, and the crowd indulges! Derek beams at this revelation: His vision had truly started to come to life.
“Thank you! Thank you! I know what you’re thinking. You’re looking at me and wondering how I even became a professional wrestler. Well, my beloved audience, that is a good question, and one I don’t mind answering. Now, you may not know it just looking at me, but I used to be less than successful. I was what industry insiders refer to as a “jobber”. I know, try to reconcile that reality with the physical specimen you see before you… the KABLAMopotamus! But, alas, it’s true. There was a time where I wasn’t very good inside the ring. My job was to go to the ring and try, try valiantly, but I always fell short. My mind was not in the right place. So, what did I do?”
The Applause light comes on again, leaving the crowd muttering in confusion.
“Sorry… we only have the Applause sign.”
There’s a smattering of applause from people who didn’t realize that fact, but those who got the hint give a collective gasp.
“What I did was change my mindset. I came (KABLAM!) to understand who I am. I learned how to work around my weaknesses as a performer and play to my strengths. At the tender age of redacted, I started meeting my potential.”
The Applause light fires up, and the crowd applauds this time since it seemed like a very good time to applaud.
“I turned my body into a finely-tuned work of art that Michelangelo would be PROUD to eat pizza with, much to the chagrin of Raphael, who was always kind of a hard-ass even though Leonardo was the leader. Donatello did machines. And Derek Adonis does KABLAM, which is more than just a word. It’s a way of life. It’s reading your KABLAMasutra. It’s doing your KABLAMaerobics… let me tell you, THAT program changed everything for me, turning me from a frump into someone who could run across the ring without getting winded. I am proof that with a little hard (KABLAM!) work, you can rise (KABLAM!) to the top.”
Derek pauses, laughing a bit.
“Get it? I say “KABLAM” when I make something that could be sexual.”
He laughs some more, with members of the audience joining in nervously.
“You get it. But there’s more to getting to the top than just GETTING to the top… wait. Hold on. Don’t applause that. I messed it up. There’s more to BEING on top than just GETTING to the top. Does that make sense? Once you get to the top, you have people coming left, right, and centre… all over the place… because they want what you have, and they won’t be happy unless they can get it AND take you down when they do. That’s what being Champion is like. For instance, just a week from now, I’m going to have FOUR guys trying to figure out what order they’ll get to challenge me in, and that’s only if I can get past a “Goddess” who’s coming after me on the same night!”
The Applause light goes on, testing the crowd. The crowd applauds, passing the test.
“Good… good, I like this. Anyway, this “GODDESS” is going to get to be the envy of ladies everywhere because she is going to get to put her hands all… over… this…!”
Derek disgustingly rubs his hands over his body in a suggestive manner. Really, it’s like a manatee trying to be sexy.
“Katie… Katie… KA-TIE! Katie Steward – one of the most decorated “rasslers”. A GODDESS with her own following of lovely ladies. Katie is going to get to live the DWEEM IF YOU WHEEEEELL! Because while you know that four others are going to be posturing for a crack at my shiny Championship of Television, Katie is going to have the closest shot at it and to get there, all she has to do is overcome aaaaaaaall of this! She is going to have to climb the mountain step by step… and that mountain is treacherous. It’s no ordinary mountain! It’s a BIG mountain! And walking isn’t enough to get up to the top. You have to get down and get your hands DIRTY as you climb. And to beat me, Katie is going to have to climb farther than she thought she would have to. She is going to have to reach the top… the very TIP of Man Mountain… she is going to have to rise to the occasion and get to the summit! KABLAM!”
The Applause light goes up again and the audience, though partially mortified, lightly applauds. The light then flashes repeatedly, prompting those hesitant to applaud. Derek, meanwhile, has a big grin on his face.
“So, I ask you, Goddess… no, no… I BEG of you…”
Derek gets down on his knees in front of the camera, clasping his hands together as he looks earnestly into the camera.
“Give it to me! Get your hands DIRTY! Really DIG into me. Because this is a NEW Derek Adonis! This is a NEW Man Mountain! This isn’t the Derek Adonis that everyone had their way with. This is the Derek Adonis that is fuelled by KABLAMaerobics! That is INSPIRED by the KABLAMasutra. And that is the SCW Champion of Television! I’m here to stay! I’m here to stay! So, help me Goddess, I am here to stay! KABLAM!”
With that, the Applause light fires up one more time, with Cookie jumping up and down to encourage people to stand, if even to watch her, and Manvel’s arm movements sends oil cascading down to the audience below. Derek remains on his knees basking in the commotion of lust over his wife and trying to get away from the raining oil. Derek grins cheekily and the scene fades to black.
----------
And then the morning comes…
Derek Adonis awakens from his slumber alone. Cookie hadn’t returned from her night out with Manvel, which Derek basically expected given their… *ahem*… “understanding”. Chastity had taken young Ulysses Superman home after a brief but frank conversation during which Derek explained said “understanding”, probably offered her a round two, only to be shot down. After calling a few contacts for KABLAMasutra: The TV Series season two, he got some sleep an that was that.
Until there was a knock on the door.
Derek hobbled out of bed clumsily, making his way towards his front door. Stepping to the peep hole, he spots two officers outside the door. Looking down, he hastily closes his housecoat, desperate not to show his pride to the male officers, before opening up.
Adonis: “Y’ello?”
Officer 1: “Are you Derek Marchetti?”
Adonis nods, confirming this.
Adonis: “Yeah… but most people call me…”
Officer 2: “It’s not important what most people call you.”
Officer 1: “My colleague is correct, Mr. Marchetti. You were listed as the emergency contact for a Mr. … “Jeff-rey”?
Adonis: “Jeff-rey! Yeah… hell of a guy. He used to work for me apparently. I thought he still did until he called me a few weeks ago and told me he quit last year. Boy was I embarrassed.”
Derek begins to laugh, but looks to the officers, who have stone-faces.
Adonis: “What’s up?”
Officer 1: “We’ve been investigating Mr. Jeff-rey for the last 18 months. We believe he’s involved in some high-level criminal enterprises.”
The news sends shockwaves through Adonis. Jeff-rey? HIS Jeff-rey? It didn’t seem possible.
Adonis: “That’s not possible.”
Officer 2: “We need to ask you a few questions… may we come in?”
Derek nods his head, stepping back from the door as the officers enter. They step through the door, looking around the area for any clues… anything that may be of service to them. Meanwhile, Derek continues to stare ahead blankly, not sure what to make of everything. Jeff-rey? HIS Jeff-rey? He had always seemed to be so loyal and competent. Could he really be a hardened criminal? That’s the question that the officers were coming for… but now Derek wanted answers to. The scene fades out.
Our scene rises up to a studio audience applauding politely, as studio audiences often do, to cheesy talk show music. We can see Cookie Dreams in her own balcony area managing something and jumping, jumping happily to the beat of the music, mesmerizing you. Manvel stands near her, operating the music and oiling himself to a state of being untouchable with a certifiable layer of oil on his body. And then there is Man Mountain himself, Derek Adonis, the SCW Champion of Television, standing center stage with his belt wrapped somehow around his waist, and a microphone worn upon his head like a 90’s boy band member.
“Ladies and gents, you’re here because you were in the mall doing your Christmas shopping, was offered a $25 gift card to attend a special live event and, like a prudent person, said yes! Congratulations and thank you for your trust. You’ll get your gift cards at the conclusion of this presentation, but in the meantime, enjoy the presentation. You’ll see “Applause” signs light up when the vivacious and curvaceous Cookie or the manly Manvel flip their switches. You’re encouraged to applaud when they are lit up. And… uh… yeah! We have quite the presentation for you today. For those of you who have never seen me before, you must have been living under a rock! My name is Derek Adonis and this…”
Derek pats the Championship around his waist, worn proudly with extenders to mitigate the risks of the belt popping off mid-presentation. See? For a man whose most intelligent moments involve the ladies, Adonis can be pretty crafty.
“This is the Supreme Championship Wrestling Championship!... of Television. I am the SCW Champion of Television! And to say that I don’t belong in the position I am in today is kind of mean. I mean, what kind of person would so haphazardly assume they know anything about me just because of how I look? Don’t be rude, audience, because if you’re rude, you miss out. And if you miss out, then you don’t get to say that you were on the ground floor of the movement that is sweeping the nation: KABLAMamania, Brother!”
The Applause signs light up, and the crowd indulges! Derek beams at this revelation: His vision had truly started to come to life.
“Thank you! Thank you! I know what you’re thinking. You’re looking at me and wondering how I even became a professional wrestler. Well, my beloved audience, that is a good question, and one I don’t mind answering. Now, you may not know it just looking at me, but I used to be less than successful. I was what industry insiders refer to as a “jobber”. I know, try to reconcile that reality with the physical specimen you see before you… the KABLAMopotamus! But, alas, it’s true. There was a time where I wasn’t very good inside the ring. My job was to go to the ring and try, try valiantly, but I always fell short. My mind was not in the right place. So, what did I do?”
The Applause light comes on again, leaving the crowd muttering in confusion.
“Sorry… we only have the Applause sign.”
There’s a smattering of applause from people who didn’t realize that fact, but those who got the hint give a collective gasp.
“What I did was change my mindset. I came (KABLAM!) to understand who I am. I learned how to work around my weaknesses as a performer and play to my strengths. At the tender age of redacted, I started meeting my potential.”
The Applause light fires up, and the crowd applauds this time since it seemed like a very good time to applaud.
“I turned my body into a finely-tuned work of art that Michelangelo would be PROUD to eat pizza with, much to the chagrin of Raphael, who was always kind of a hard-ass even though Leonardo was the leader. Donatello did machines. And Derek Adonis does KABLAM, which is more than just a word. It’s a way of life. It’s reading your KABLAMasutra. It’s doing your KABLAMaerobics… let me tell you, THAT program changed everything for me, turning me from a frump into someone who could run across the ring without getting winded. I am proof that with a little hard (KABLAM!) work, you can rise (KABLAM!) to the top.”
Derek pauses, laughing a bit.
“Get it? I say “KABLAM” when I make something that could be sexual.”
He laughs some more, with members of the audience joining in nervously.
“You get it. But there’s more to getting to the top than just GETTING to the top… wait. Hold on. Don’t applause that. I messed it up. There’s more to BEING on top than just GETTING to the top. Does that make sense? Once you get to the top, you have people coming left, right, and centre… all over the place… because they want what you have, and they won’t be happy unless they can get it AND take you down when they do. That’s what being Champion is like. For instance, just a week from now, I’m going to have FOUR guys trying to figure out what order they’ll get to challenge me in, and that’s only if I can get past a “Goddess” who’s coming after me on the same night!”
The Applause light goes on, testing the crowd. The crowd applauds, passing the test.
“Good… good, I like this. Anyway, this “GODDESS” is going to get to be the envy of ladies everywhere because she is going to get to put her hands all… over… this…!”
Derek disgustingly rubs his hands over his body in a suggestive manner. Really, it’s like a manatee trying to be sexy.
“Katie… Katie… KA-TIE! Katie Steward – one of the most decorated “rasslers”. A GODDESS with her own following of lovely ladies. Katie is going to get to live the DWEEM IF YOU WHEEEEELL! Because while you know that four others are going to be posturing for a crack at my shiny Championship of Television, Katie is going to have the closest shot at it and to get there, all she has to do is overcome aaaaaaaall of this! She is going to have to climb the mountain step by step… and that mountain is treacherous. It’s no ordinary mountain! It’s a BIG mountain! And walking isn’t enough to get up to the top. You have to get down and get your hands DIRTY as you climb. And to beat me, Katie is going to have to climb farther than she thought she would have to. She is going to have to reach the top… the very TIP of Man Mountain… she is going to have to rise to the occasion and get to the summit! KABLAM!”
The Applause light goes up again and the audience, though partially mortified, lightly applauds. The light then flashes repeatedly, prompting those hesitant to applaud. Derek, meanwhile, has a big grin on his face.
“So, I ask you, Goddess… no, no… I BEG of you…”
Derek gets down on his knees in front of the camera, clasping his hands together as he looks earnestly into the camera.
“Give it to me! Get your hands DIRTY! Really DIG into me. Because this is a NEW Derek Adonis! This is a NEW Man Mountain! This isn’t the Derek Adonis that everyone had their way with. This is the Derek Adonis that is fuelled by KABLAMaerobics! That is INSPIRED by the KABLAMasutra. And that is the SCW Champion of Television! I’m here to stay! I’m here to stay! So, help me Goddess, I am here to stay! KABLAM!”
With that, the Applause light fires up one more time, with Cookie jumping up and down to encourage people to stand, if even to watch her, and Manvel’s arm movements sends oil cascading down to the audience below. Derek remains on his knees basking in the commotion of lust over his wife and trying to get away from the raining oil. Derek grins cheekily and the scene fades to black.
----------
And then the morning comes…
Derek Adonis awakens from his slumber alone. Cookie hadn’t returned from her night out with Manvel, which Derek basically expected given their… *ahem*… “understanding”. Chastity had taken young Ulysses Superman home after a brief but frank conversation during which Derek explained said “understanding”, probably offered her a round two, only to be shot down. After calling a few contacts for KABLAMasutra: The TV Series season two, he got some sleep an that was that.
Until there was a knock on the door.
Derek hobbled out of bed clumsily, making his way towards his front door. Stepping to the peep hole, he spots two officers outside the door. Looking down, he hastily closes his housecoat, desperate not to show his pride to the male officers, before opening up.
Adonis: “Y’ello?”
Officer 1: “Are you Derek Marchetti?”
Adonis nods, confirming this.
Adonis: “Yeah… but most people call me…”
Officer 2: “It’s not important what most people call you.”
Officer 1: “My colleague is correct, Mr. Marchetti. You were listed as the emergency contact for a Mr. … “Jeff-rey”?
Adonis: “Jeff-rey! Yeah… hell of a guy. He used to work for me apparently. I thought he still did until he called me a few weeks ago and told me he quit last year. Boy was I embarrassed.”
Derek begins to laugh, but looks to the officers, who have stone-faces.
Adonis: “What’s up?”
Officer 1: “We’ve been investigating Mr. Jeff-rey for the last 18 months. We believe he’s involved in some high-level criminal enterprises.”
The news sends shockwaves through Adonis. Jeff-rey? HIS Jeff-rey? It didn’t seem possible.
Adonis: “That’s not possible.”
Officer 2: “We need to ask you a few questions… may we come in?”
Derek nods his head, stepping back from the door as the officers enter. They step through the door, looking around the area for any clues… anything that may be of service to them. Meanwhile, Derek continues to stare ahead blankly, not sure what to make of everything. Jeff-rey? HIS Jeff-rey? He had always seemed to be so loyal and competent. Could he really be a hardened criminal? That’s the question that the officers were coming for… but now Derek wanted answers to. The scene fades out.