Sal Darius vs. Religious Wright

[Braddock]

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Greetings, brothers and sisters! I am Brother Douglas serving as your holy guide and narrator as we go along watching the events in the life of our prophet from above, his worshipful masterfulness Religious Wright! As you can see we are just outside of the Wright Compound. Wait, I apologize, he doesn’t like me using the term Compound, “makes us sound like the Branch Davidians” or the Jonestown nutcases. We definitely do not ask our congregation to drink blue kool-aid. Our kool-aid is green, which is obviously much safer! But we do not support the Green New Deal or the Green Party. The Sword of Joshua Full Gospel Pentecostal Temple of Joy Holiness by way of Mt. Judea, Arknasas does NOT endorse political candidates unless they first endorse us with a massively obese check made out to Religious Wright!

As you can see The Wright Compound is magnificently decorated on the outside, just like the kinda place you’d expect to see that orange guy staying in, don’t ya think? There’s even a golf course out back, an olympic size swimming pool, and a bowling alley! But now as we move inside we can see the carpet is a fine gorgeous wine red color and the halls are decorated with fine artwork from famous painters…definitely NOT paid for by congregation money…well, maybe. The golf course was definitely paid for with our money.

“Calm down sweetie…”

“Don’t tell me to calm down Johnny! Not this time!”

And that shouting is our beloved pastor himself Religious Wright arguing with his wife Lizzy! As we move on into the bedroom we can see pastor Wright ducking a vase being thrown at him by Lizzy! Nice moves! See, that kind of agility is why pastor Wright is going to defeat Sal Darius on Breakdown and eventually go on to become SCW World Champion!

Lizzy Wright: What is that fool doing here with the camera, Johnny?!

Religious Wright: Its all part of my promotional gig! He is documenting the life and times of the great prophet Religious Wright!

Lizzy Wright: Who the hell told you that was a good idea?

Religious Wright: It worked for Ozzy!

Lizzy Wright: Well good, maybe the world should know what kind of cheating bastard you are!

Religious Wright: Cheater?! Whatever do you mean?!

Lizzy Wright: You’re cheating on me with that whore!

Ah, lovely Lizzy Wright is such a doll, even when she calls my sister a whore. I mean, I assume she’s referring to my sister. Pastor Wright is having an affair with my sister.

Lizzy Wright: I am NOT talking about your sister, you idiot! I’m talking about that redhead he was giving the oogly eyes at on SCW!

Religious Wright: Deanna Frost? Look, I may have looked but I didn’t touch! I swear it! Besides, a good scandal is healthy for a movement such as ours! Look at Pat Robertson…Rush Limbaugh…

Lizzy Wright: Yes, that’s why I said it was OK to have an affair because it would bring in more money. But I never said you could have another damn affair! You should not be cheating on Brother Douglas’s sister like that!

See? Pastor Wright’s wife is such a wonderful woman with brilliant logic and…

Religious Wright: Shut up and keep narrating!

That’s what I’m doing.

Religious Wright: Oh, right…just trust my judgment babe! I have things under control! Everything is completely under control! Look, I won’t pursue the Frost lady. But maybe I can cause another scandal? You know, maybe Brother Douglas here can get involved with somebody in the SCW locker room.

That’s why I love pastor Wright. He is always looking out for others instead of himself. He’s willing to let me get all the glory and spotlight while he does the heavy lifting and legwork to make this church grow! Lucky for Religious Wright, this kind of generosity seems to be working on his lovely wife. Lizzy’s anger is melting away. She seems to be returning to her happy go lucky self.

Lizzy Wright: Shut up!

Sorry.

Religious Wright: Trust me, everything is going according to plan.

Lizzy Wright: Oh yeah? How did that James Evans Monster Truck work out for you?

Religious Wright: I can’t help Brother Douglas is an idiot who can’t tell the difference between JAMES Evans and CHAD Evans! But at least we had The James Evans Golf Cart…

Lizzy Wright: Which was promptly stolen.

Religious Wright: And will be recovered! I promise you that! The Power of the LAWD is on my side, Lizzy! The LAWD does not tolerate thieves! THOU SHALT NOT STEAL FROM THY HOLY ONE, FROM RELIGIOUS WRIGHT! And when one does steal there shall be punishment!

Pastor Wright in his holy, infinite wisdom punches the wall with his fist. Instantly he draws back in pain.

Religious Wright: Ouch! God Damn it…I mean, James Evans Damn It! That hurt!

You really shouldn’t punch the wall like that, pastor Wright.

Religious Wright: Look, I am the good shepherd and you are the bumbling fool who does my bidding. Are we clear on the arrangement here?

Crystal.

Religious Wright: Excellent. Now focus that camera on me because I have a thing or two to say to Sal Darius! See, he may not like religion but religion will eviscerate him on Breakdown. You like that word usage, Sal? Eviscerate. Those kinds of BIG words may be difficult for someone of your tiny, puny, insignificant intelligence quotient to understand, but trust me when I say that on Breakdown the WRATH OF THE LAWD will rain down upon you! And just for good measure, THE WRATH OF JAMES EVANS will rain down upon you! Because I am Religious Wright and HIS WILL SHALL BE DONE!