Religious Wright vs. The One Kirsten Scott

[Braddock]

“JESUS! FUCK YEAH!
JESUS! FUCK YEAH!
GONNA KICK SCOTT’S ASS!
FUCK YEAH!
JESUS! FUCK YEAH!
FOR THE GLORY OF HIS NAME!
FUCK YEAH!
JAMES EVANS! FUCK YEAH!”

And on and on, the official trademarked song of The Sword of Joshua Full Gospel Pentecostal Temple of Joy Holiness by way of Mt. Judea, Arknasas is being played at full bore. Brother Douglas, the praise band leader, is on the stage with the flashing disco ball and LED lights going off at a rapid fire pace, enough to send even your average person into an epileptic seizure. And don’t tell anyone, but that’s actually the point. If these poor saps in attendance are sent into an epileptic fit, then the church leader, Religious Wright, can claim it was the power of the LAWD that sent them into a fit. Brother Douglas thus far has avoided such fits. He just plays his electric guitar on the stage, watching and waiting patiently for the arrival of the pastor.

“JESUS! FUCK YEAH!
JESUS! FUCK YEAH!
THESE FLASHY LIGHTS WILL GIVE YOU A SEIZURE!
FUCK YEAH!
JESUS! FUCK YEAH!
KIRSTEN SCOTT CHANGED HER NAME!
FUCK YEAH!
JAMES EVANS! FUCK YEAH!”

Just then Religious Wright comes dancing down the aisle…yes, dancing down the aisle. None of that highfalutin liturgical nonsense. Why bother with that boring crap anyway? It isn’t fun. Why do that when you can have a dancing preacher and a worship leader playing heavy metal? Religious Wright throws holy water on some of the attendees as he makes his way down the aisle, causing them to fall over unconscious. Wright then approaches the stage where he leaps up onto it in one great leap. He approaches the microphone and holds his arms up high into the air as if to reach James Evans…God…whatever…

“JESUS! FUCK YEAH!
JESUS! FUCK YEAH!
GONNA WIN THE TELEVISION TITLE!
FUCK YEAH!
JESUS! FUCK YEAH!
FOR THE GLORY OF HIS NAME!
FUCK YEAH!
GONNA RENAME IT THE JAMES EVANS TITLE!
FUCK YEAH!”

Wright motions with his hand for Brother Douglas to stop playing. Brother Douglas slowly brings his music to a halt. Wright pauses momentarily, because those awesome pauses are great at getting people’s attention, aren’t they? Eventually Religious Wright begins to speak.

“My children, may I direct your attention to today’s scripture passage, found in Second Opinions Chapter 69 verse 420..AND BEHOLD, THE MESSENGER OF THE LAWD, THE PROPHET JAMES EVANS, SAYETH THAT THE WHORE OF BABYLON FIVE, THE SHE DEVIL WITH NO NAME, SHE HATH STOLEN MY CHAMPIONSHIP! SHE HATH COMMITTED GREAT FORNICATION WITH MY CHAMPIONSHIP…WHICH GOES AGAINST TORONTO PENAL LAW CHAPTER 8 SECTION 3 SUBSECTION F ARTICLE 9…THIS GREAT PROSTITUTE OF NUMBERS SHALL BE BROUGHT DOWN FROM HER LOFTY HEIGHTS AND HUMBLED WHEN I SEND MY WARRIOR, MY DEFENDER, TO FIGHT ON MY BEHALF!” Wright bows his head. “The Word of James Evans…”

Brother Douglas plays a quick guitar riff. “FUCK YEAH!!!” Religious Wright nods his head.

“My children, I am here today to tell you that I am the chosen warrior to fight on behalf of the Prophet James Evans! I was chosen by the LAWD to defend James Evans’s honor! And when you think of James Evans you think of a man of honor, dignity, and respectability. He is a man who refuses to hide behind a number. He refuses to be lowered to the simplest common denominator…the number one…” Wright shakes his head “...if anything, our beloved prophet James Evans would be the number ninety-nine, or one thousand, anything but a puny One! But James Evans does not need to hide behind a number, unlike this woman, this Kristen Baxter…”

“Actually, that’s the character from the Tim Alan tv sitcom Last Man Standing.” Brother Douglas points out.

“I thought that was the actor who played Chachi on Happy Days.”

“That’s Scott Baio.”

“I thought that was the hottie who played Mary Jane Watson in the Toby McGuire Spider-Man flick.”

“That’s Kirsten Dunst.” Brother Douglas points out.

“I thought she played on Criminal Minds?”

“No, that’s Kirsten Vangsness.” Brother Dogulas points out. Wright rolls his eyes out of frustration.

“Then who the hell am I facing on Breakdown?!”

“The One Kirsten Scott.” Brother Douglas answers.

“I don’t care what people think, she did a great job playing Mary Jane Watson and she was a real hottie too! Toby McGuire didn’t deserve her! In fact, go rent a copy so me and your sister can watch it while…”

“Shouldn’t you finish your message, Pastor?”

“Shut up!” Wright snaps back angrily. “I know what I’m doing! Where was I? Oh yeah! Kirsten Scott, you have fornicated with that SCW Television Championship for the last time! Because we are approaching a special time of year…no, not Rise To Greatness season, this is something even more special. This is RISE TO JAMES EVANS! And in honor of our beloved prophet, I shall destroy you, I shall force you to bend the knee before the great Religious Wright!”

“Kinda like how my sister bends the knee before you?”

“NO!” Wright shakes her head angrily. “Not like that you sick freak!” He sighs as he tries to compose himself. “Now then, where was I?”

“You were threatening The One.”

“Oh yeah! Kirsten Scott, you will be defeated and dethroned! I will take that SCW Television Championship away from you and henceforth it shall be given a new name…it shall be called the SCW JAMES EVANS CHAMPIONSHIP!” He holds his hands up in the air. “PRAISE THE LAWD!” Wright gives Brother Douglas a signal and then Brother Douglas begins to play his guitar again.

“JESUS! FUCK YEAH!
JESUS! FUCK YEAH!
GONNA KICK SCOTT’S ASS!
FUCK YEAH!
JESUS! FUCK YEAH!
FOR THE GLORY OF HIS NAME!
FUCK YEAH!
JAMES EVANS! FUCK YEAH!”