Chase Upshaw vs. Crystal Zdunich

[Konrad Raab]

2 RP Limit for singles

3500 Word Limit Per RP

Deadline: 11:59:59 pm ET Wednesday January 1, 2025

[Braddock]

Crystal? HEY CRYSTAL! Are you paying a goddamn bit of attention? Huh?! Well are ya?! Listen up, bitch; shut your mouth and open your map, you brain-dead buffoon! I didn’t leave the noble halls of academia just to wrestle morons who can’t even point out the Gulf of Mexico on a damn map! I am Chase Upshaw, the undisputed lord of latitude and the sultan of longitude, and I’m here to educate this cesspool of ignorance, one sorry excuse for a fucking flesh bag at a time!

I’ve got a special lesson planned for you, Crystal Zdunich! Yeah, cutesy little Crystal with her flashy outfits and stupidly smug little smile, acting like you’ve got it all figured out. But let me ask you something, Zdunich, do you even know where Uzbekistan is? Huh?! Or do you thinks it’s a new brand of yoga pants?!

I see through the likes of you, Crystal! You use this platform to dumb down the population…as if they could possibly get any dumber. But me, I am here to elevate and educate the masses about GEOGRAPHY! And you…you’re nothing but a fraudulent fluke, prancing around like you’ve got a clue about global positioning! But here’s a newsflash for you: UZBEKISTAN IS IN CENTRAL ASIA! YOU PROBABLY THINK ITS IN AFRICA!

Tonight, when I’m done teaching you the hard way about physical geography, you’re gonna be begging me for a geography quiz just to stop the pain! You think you’re tough? You’re not tougher than the Rocky Mountains! You think you’re fast? You’re not faster than the Gulf Stream! And you sure as hell aren’t ready to face the storm that is Chase Upshaw!

By the time I am finished with you, you WILL know where the hell Uzbekistan is! You WILL know where the hell Central Asia is! I will make you POINT IT OUT ON A FUCKING MAP! And then I will make you tap! Because I am Chase Upshaw and you have FAILED this pop quiz!